Monday, October 5, 2009

October


We just got back from Vegas for my best friend's wedding. The wedding was beautiful and Noelle made the most beautiful bride EVER. We enjoyed every second of the trip and can't wait to post some more pictures of the newlyweds.

Is it already October? I mean I won't complain but has it almost been 4 months since my baby was born? He would have been four months in 2 days.
You know what is driving me insane right now? Halloween costumes in the store, I was so excited to dress up a newborn for halloween this year. I don't even have a desire to have trick or treaters this year. I am NEVER like that, but it looks like this year might be a year for my outside lights to stay off Oct 31st. Bummer. Hopefully next year will be a better halloween.

That lil stinker gave us so many signs when we were in Vegas for Noelle's wedding. From the first 30 seconds we stepped foot in the hotel casino, his song comes on. That song hasn't played on the radio, my ipod or TV in awhile now. I have been avoiding it to tell you the truth because it just makes me cry uncontrollably. It was just so ironic that we were just discussing how we should be lugging a stroller and diaper bag around instead of yard sized margaritas.

I kid you not, the same thing happened the day of the rehearsal. We were walking around Mandalay Bay to the restaurant and I noticed it was on again. I nudged Chris to tell him and he said he was JUST thinking about Nolan because a baby boy just strolled by with his parents. Ironic!

THEN, we go to The Bellagio to see the fountains and look what our precious Nolan sent us...
I just wish Nolan was there with us, it was the plan the entire pregnancy (well at least until he was born early). So we decided to make a wish in the Bellagio Fountain, and I am sure you can guess what that wish was...
And I am sure you are wondering how I am "really doing" .....
It's hard, I am not going to lie. They said time heals, but it honestly hasn't. All time has done is not made it feel as raw as it did back in the summer. I still avoid all babies that would be around Nolan's size/age. I feel as they are in my face when I least expect it. Such as sitting in the direct seat in front of me on the plane, being sat next to one at dinner last night, ect ect. It's painful to think that I should be in that Mom's spot just like they are.

I haven't had as many breakdowns as I used to and I smile more. My friends and family are my support and most of all Chris, Amy and Johanna because they know this pain unfortunately. I did have one breakdown in Vegas. We were walking back from a night out and while walking through the casino to our room... Nolan's song came on again, AGAIN. I just had enough. I know it was a "sign" but it made me want Nolan 1,000 times more. All I could think about was his perfect little ultrasound that I put music to and it was THAT song. I'm sure the few cocktails didn't help the emotions either. I just wished he were with us for Noelle's wedding, it would have meant he made it as a full term healthy baby boy.

I try to focus on the positive that we can try again and at least we know we CAN get pregnant and hope that we get to bring a baby home next time. Then focus my energy on sharing our baby's special big brother to him/her. But that all sounds so easy. I'm terrified, seriously... we want so badly to have our family on earth feel complete. I have to have faith it will happen, but thinking of the actual process is exhausting. It's will never be a normal 9 months, it will be fulled with anxiety and worry. BUT, I will count on my faith and Nolan to give us that special baby one day. I am hoping and praying that 2010 brings us some much needed good news.

6 comments:

Rachel H. said...

Thinking of you!! I can't imagine how tough it must be!

u_talk2much said...

Reading your blog has touched me. I was telling my mother about it. She lost my older brother Jimmy before I was even a twinkle in my mothers eye. She always shared with me that I had an older brother. She told me a story the other day about me when I shared your story. She told me when I was about 4 years old we were walking away from the fair and I had a balloon that got away. I looked up and her and said its ok mom as if to console her and told her as we watched it go up to heaven. Jimmy has a balloon now since he never got to have one. Big hugs! Your new little one that you will have one day will hold that memory dear. I love my big brother that I will get to meet one day and your little one that you will have will hold those memories dear.

jamie said...

Being around babies that age is VERY hard. My random pet peeve is people complaining to you about normal pregnancy issues - like lack of sleep in the 9th month. Really?!? I would kill for lack of sleep right now.

So many precious signs from Nolan. What a beautiful rainbow :)

cmatsukes said...

Well I can tell you jamie jealousy does no good being happy for another persons treasures children is best thing you do for yourself being happy for others will always make you happy too. We all have things in ours lives we dont like I know I do I lost my husband and mother in just 2 years but I have had happiness too. So being happy for one another will be good towards your well being happiness will come your way as well when God feels it is right for you. He has the plans for all of us.

jamie said...

I am sorry - I did not mean to come across as jealous AT ALL. I am very happy for my friends and family who have babies now - all I said is it is hard being around the ones that are the same age as Vincent would have been.

Miche said...

You are doing great. It's hard I know but keep it up or as Nemo says "Just Keep Swimming".

Take care!