Thursday, October 8, 2009


I wish I was the old Ashley everyone remembers, but I'm not.
I wish I wasn't in this position.
I wish I didn't loose some friends in the past 4 months that I really cared about.
I wish I was holding my son instead visiting his grave.
I wish I could look at newborns, hold babies or think about them.
I wish I could photograph newborns or photograph Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. (I will one day)
I wish I never met Amy and Amy never found me... it would mean we both had our babies still with us.
I wish my Dad wasn't sick and needed open heart surgery.
I wish God wasn't testing me by giving me only what I can handle. I think I have proved myself.
I wish my best friend's (Val) son who is only 8 years old didn't need open heart surgery this month, he's such a strong little guy. I think Nolan would have been just like him!
I wish to have a family one day here on Earth.
I wish my Grandma was still alive, because she went through this 6 times, and I am sure she would have a few words of advice.
I wish I didn't feel obligated to explain this thing they call grieving. It's indescribable.
I wish people would understand I really am not trying to push them away, promised.
I wish I could write a formal TY to every single person that supported us.
I wish I could loose this baby weight, I don't have a baby on my hip to justify it in public.
I wish my parents could sell their house and be in a better spot.
I wish money grew on trees and I could burn medical bills and that would make them disappear
I obviously wish a lot of things.

I JUST WISH I had my sweet angel here with me.

Sometimes I just feel like I am being kicked when I am already down, like tonight.
.I can't wait to kiss 2009 GOOD BYE. Same with Valorie and my Mom & Dad. I think this will be the best NYE yet, let's say screw off 2009 and hope 2010 will be better. I can only wish, right?

I went to visit Nolan with Chris tonight to say happy 4 months. We went to watch his solar light come on after the sun set. He has October flowers and a orange pinwheel, it's perfect. I am going to go get him a small pumpkin next week, he needs one. So here are a few pictures how we spent our night with Nolan.

Ok, I need to do an I'm thankful list too...

I'm thankful for my life, I was close to dying.
I am thankful for the best husband and the fact we are holding strong after the worst year of our life.
I'm thankful my Dad went to the hospital when I told him to.
I'm thankful I have a good job in this economy.
I'm thankful for all the ladies that supported me and continue to do so. Even though you feel like your invisible in my world, I promise your not..I will NEVER think I am above you because I lost my baby... EVER! Nor will I think your incapable of being a good friend because you don't know how I feel.
I'm thankful for meeting Amy & Johanna.
I'm thankful they caught the HELLP when it started or Chris might not have me here right now.
I'm thankful that I know I can get pregnant, just wishful I can carry to term one day.
I'm thankful for the ones that remember my birthday and Nolan's important dates and remind me I am a good Mom.
I'm thankful for a wonderful Church.
I'm thankful for my family, mom, dad, sisters, brother, aunt, gpa and inlaws.
I'm thankful we can go on the cruise in November for Nolan because we sure do need to get away in our most favorite place.
I'm thankful for Dr. Fish who has worked her butt off to figure out what is wrong with me and is ready to fight to get us a baby.

Most of all I am thankful for God giving Chris and I the most special little boy for 3 days. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. I love you Nolan.


Jaymee said...

i wish that all your wishes come true.

Morgan said...

This made me cry! I love how you've decorated his grave and the picture of Chris so big and strong next to such a tiny thing is really powerful.


cmatsukes said...

Even though 2009 was not a good year for you not me either it did bring you Nolan. So this year will always be special for that. And even though it took my Mom this year too I know she is finally at rest with no pain or suffering anymore like she was. I wish she was still here but the Cancer was not going to let her stay and I did not want her to be so sick anymore so we had to say goodbye but not farewell because I know she is with me everyday. I know Nolan is with you guys everyday as well he tried and fought so hard to stay with you but like my mom who fought for 12 years just could not do it anymore. So now they are both with God and one day I will see them both again. I wish all your dreams come through for you in the next year. And remember I am your aunt too and I am here for you too.

Fanny said...

I send you my love & support.
You are an amazing woman.
Keep thinking of your thanks, and good things will come - you deserve them.

Rachel H. said...

Sending you love and prayers...I know that 2010 will be a much better year for you, and I love Nolan's grave site. It's beautiful! :)

The Brennan Family said...

I know that 2009 was not a good year for yall, but I am confident that 2010 is going to be great!!! I love the way you decorated Nolan's site. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of you, Chris and Nolan. Major hugs to you both.

Toi said...

you are so strong and amazing. i hope all of your wishes come true. you are always in my prayers.

Kimberly said...

You are an amazing mommy and Nolan is lucky to have you. This post brought me to tears. I love how you have his site decorated!

cmatsukes said...

My ex brother in laws brother who just lost his sister in a car accident 2 weeks ago said a comment that I will never forget and I thought about you Ashley it was losing a loved one he said alot of people hold it inside and just cry alone etc. But he said we should verbalize out loud our feelings and memories of our lost ones he said proclaim to everyone how wonderful they were and how much you loved them whether they want to hear it or not. I just thought of you how you are with Nolan it is great you talk about him all the time it is great tell all the world I tell all the world about my mother A great person to me and a great influance on my life for every.

wendells said...

2009 gave you such a strong voice Ashley...that you didn't know you had. Nolan and your family touched so many lives. The pictures of Nolan's site are so beautiful!

Bluebird said...

Crying with you. Thinking of you.

I try to be thankful that HELLP was caught when it was and they were able to save my life. It's hard when all I can think about is our babies. I have to remind myself that my husband would have been sad :) Your's would have, too. I am thankful we are both still here for our wonderful men.