New Friends

Tonight we went to our good friends house for some homemade chicken pot pie and we got to see this lil guy Adrian. Who was fascinated with my belly after we told him it's a baby. He kept trying to look in my belly button, it was absolutely hysterical. Adrain gave the baby a lot of kisses and showed him ALL his cars and when we asked Adrian to give the baby a 'high 5' he smacked my belly. It was hilarious!

Admire my brand new stretch marks and my Lovenox battle wounds from 6 months of nightly shots. I think I am the only girl who jumped up and down at the sight of my first stretch mark. Some may think I am crazy and some may dread the suckers, but to me, it's a blessing and reminds me how big this boy is growing. I'll take them all if it means a big ole healthy chunker come December.

Fast forward through week 25

I'm scared. What if I am getting my hopes and dreams up for nothing. What if it's all going to be ripped away from us again? I hate that I am not in control! Here I am, laying here with a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me, but I cant help but wonder if my body will fail him. Will he end up in NICU? Am I ready for that type of roller coaster again? NO, I'm not... I know the bad side, I know how common it really is. I know the horror stories, not just me, but of many friends.

I'm terrified. This week is just extra hard on me. It's the last week Nolan survived in my tummy before my body decided to give up. In all honestly, when the nurses ask if I am allergic to anything, I say pregnancy (with sarcasm in my voice). They shake their head at me and console me, but it's how I feel. My body just isn't a fan of it.

I guess what I am saying is, I am attempting to prepare I myself for the worst even though I have been quite positive for the best. I think the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. I think it's the week weighing on me right now. I'm scared. It feels too good to be true that we could have a baby in December, we could have a normal experience, our dreams come true.

I am just living week to week, I will be SO happy if we get to Halloween and I get to dress my belly up, and I know it's so close yet so far. I am one week away from the day I delivered Nolan and I am just praying this week goes smoothly. 26 weeks +1 day is SO close I can taste it. We will actually order his crib and bedding and go buy his dresser and even go register (gasp), a task that I have been dreading the whole pregnancy. But when your best friend and Mom are planning the 'shower of the century', I guess I have to do that minor task to many but emotionally draining task to me. I just hope it doesn't end up haunting me like last time.

So pray for this week to go smoothly, pray I am still pregnant and healthy come Sunday when I am more pregnant than I have ever been before. I just want to taste what motherhood feels like here on Earth so bad.

Hospital Bag

Let's get realistic, I'm sure this past week won't be my first admission in the next 12 weeks. So, I guess I need to pack a bag. I'm not talking for baby, I'm thinking for me. I look at it as I am warding away evil spirits.

I'll have a bag ready for those "Ya, I want you to come in and get checked, see you in triage" moments.

On Tues, Chris and I laid in bed ALL day and were just getting ready to go grocery shopping when my headache wasn't going away. So after taking my BP and having a high reading, I decided maybe it was a fluke and I would re-check it at Publix. Well there we were in Publix calling my OB in the last minutes of the office day to tell her 2 different machines, same reading. By time we got the go ahead to come in, I had NOTHING ready. I figured it wouldn't hurt to pack some pajamas and necessities.. Which ended up being a huge help since they did keep me. But now I need a bag that is ready to go, a "no thought" type of grab and go.

So this weekend I plan on getting this all together, stick it in my closet and hope I don't drag it out for a few weeks. SO what, a few pairs of pajama pants, tank tops, a hoodie, underwear, bras, toiletries, some snacks and OMG GLEE Season 1 DVD! And most importantly, a framed picture of Nolan. Simple enough. I think I am a pretty easy going patient as long as I have cute pajamas, my laptop and my own pillows. I'm good.

Now I am hoping pre-packing this will ward away the evil spirits. Am I forgetting anything? Any suggestions?.... Things you found you couldn't live without while on hospital bed rest?

Home Sweet Home

I'm going home! ALL my labs look great and my 24 hour is pending and I am safe to go home. SAFE?! I am walking out the doors today still pregnant! That is an achievement for me!! Can you tell I am a little over excited?

I have nothing but good things to say about this visit, even given all the emotions that came with it. My nurses were above amazing and really made me feel like I was normal for my feelings. Maybe that's because they are the same nurses that had me with Nolan and they remember too. But that means so much to me that they even remember our Nolan. I told them I am sure they will see me in and out of here but I refuse to deliver until December, a girl can wish, right?

So I am to rest this weekend, watch my BP's and I have new headache medicine that I can take if my BP's are normal. I plan on doing NOTHING, I'm actually pretty good at that, ask my husband, he'll vouch for that. HA! We're not really too sure what the high BP's were all about, but since everything looks so good, we'll say a little bit of underlying anxiety can't help the situation. And that's okay and perfectly normal considering what we faced last time at this part of the pregnancy. If anything, this admission eased A LOT of fear I had.

I am just so excited I am 8 days away from my next goal. 26 weeks and 1 day, when I got sick with HELLP syndrome. I can do this!!!

I'll leave with with the all mighty sexy mirror picture taken this week. I'm looking big and I love it!24 weeks and 4 days

Home away from home?

I'm back at the hospital, but this time I was admitted overnight for observation. My BP was high once again (146/96), headaches were back so they told me to come back to OB triage. This time they kept me since my BP's are all over the place. I almost felt like I was replaying the night I was admitted with Nolan. I was in OB triage same time of day, same monitoring, same floor, same meds started, at least my nurse admitted me to the opposite hallway so my room wasn't identical.
I was waiting for the ball to drop at 2am like it did last time, but my BP went lower! A miracle!

I look forward to seeing my Dr this morning to see what she thinks. She mentioned on the phone yesterday that it might be time to back off work, so as much as I am not ready for that, I will do whatever it takes to make it past 32 weeks, a pre-e Mommy's dream.

It's been a long night but I know I am in good hands. Baby's heartbeat has been 140's all night when he isn't being stubborn and swimming away from the monitor and I have had no contractions. I started Labetalol and my BP's came down to 125/73 & 103/72. My headaches are still there for whatever reason and they can leave at anytime. So we're just waiting on my lab results from this AM and my OB to come visit before her scheduled c-sections. Speaking of, I can't wait to be a scheduled c-section. I WILL make it to 36 weeks, I WILL have a normal delivery experience even if my pregnancy is far from uneventful. I WILL take this baby home! It just has to happen.

But seriously, how do women do it? Have normal, uneventful pregnancies? It just doesn't seem normal to me anymore. Given my situation, I have been more normal than we ever expected this pregnancy to go. But holy hell, how do women go all 9 months with nothing? Even my Mom asks how she went through 4 with no issues, and she now realizes what a blessing that truly is.

First OB Triage visit

I thought maybe I could make it longer than 24 weeks and 2 days, but I was wrong. This baby had other plans. I am sure this will be my first visit of many, but when you have best friends as OB nurses who make you feel normal and encourage me to be safe vs sorry, I bit the bullet and came in. Plus the Dr that was on call suggested I do the same.

I woke up Sat morning with a splitting headache, but since I woke up out of my sleep when Chris got home, I chalked it up to sleeping funny. I had another hour and a half to sleep before I had to go to work, so I went back to bed. But when I woke up, and my headache was still there, I reached for my BP cuff first thing.

125/93

Instant panic. Why? Especially when I was resting.

The diastolic was above 90. So I took a Tylenol, laid on my left side for 15 mins, called work saying Ill probably be late and text my friend asking her thoughts on coming in. My BP came down slightly but my headache wasn't budging. I started to get ready for work, and I took my BP again and it was back to 90's diastolic.

So with my Dr aware and OB triage waiting for me, I made my first trip in. I think I was around 24 weeks with Nolan when I made my first trip, so add that to the anxiety and I felt like I was starting the chain of events all over again.

Long story short, my BP was elevated. PIH labs were drawn, baby was monitored and I spent 3 hours in OB triage. My BPs slowly came down along with my headache but went back up with excursion, so I was sent home to rest since my PIH labs all came back normal.

I know I did the right thing, I would rather be safe than sorry. I have good Dr's and great friends who also keep an eye out for me. I'm sure it won't be the last visit to OB triage I have in the coming weeks.

I still have the killer headaches that get worse when I move, but Tylenol is all I can take since we don't want to mask "the headache" that accompanies Pre-e. I'm just happy I checked out normal, once again.

Viability Anxiety

Here I am, 24 weeks and entering a stage of viability. But what does it mean for me? It means I have a chance, there is a sliver of hope that if preeclampsia decides to show it's ugly rear, we have a chance in the NICU. I am so thankful to be 24 weeks, it really makes this feel like a possibility. But the next few weeks I am going to be an anxious mess, bless those who are around me.

I'm sure I will pay more attention to my BP, constantly checking for swelling, heartburns will scare me and god forbid I get a headache. (My poor OB office and OB triage)

It was 24 weeks when it all started last time. Little did we know what was ahead of us, but looking back all the signs were there. My face swelled up, Nolan stopped moving as frequently, ankles turned to cankles and the "heartburn attacks" started up. I was on a downward coaster and had no idea. I remember laying in the bathroom at my friends birthday party trying to get Nolan to move. I poked, shook and pushed on Nolan in hopes he would liven up, but nothing. I will always remember that moment. If I only knew the things I know now.

I pray, hope, plead and wish that these next 2 weeks fly by with no problems, I want to pass 26 weeks and be more pregnant than I have ever been before. I want nothing more than to keep this baby in until December, no matter how uncomfortable I may be, how funny I look when I walk or how bad my back hurts. I want to make it to our 36 week goal, so so so bad. But then reality sinks in and I remember the possibility of this baby making an appearance in just a few weeks.

Easiest way to put it, I live week to week, just as Amy had guest blogged here just 11 days later Kooper was born.

FEAR is my middle name right now, I have been waiting for the bottom of the barrel to fall out. I am literally a ticking time bomb.....just waiting for something bad to happen. I know that isn't a way to live.

Everyone tells me to think positive, I did and look where it got me. I have to think realistically so that I don't get bulldozed again.“I will let you be positive for me...I have to stay real to myself...my body is the one going through this.”

I know that I am pregnant, but it still hurts when people tell me that they are. I am not here to judge, but I don't take being pregnant lightly anymore! I did it the right way and I still can't figure out what I did to deserve this. I know it is the devil testing me and my faith, but he failed....so back off!

From day to day and even hour to hour or minute by minute my feelings change. I am excited about the possibility of new life. I am terrified that my body is going to fail, I know that it will, but when? I can't even dream of having a 4 lb. baby, just let it be a healthy 2 lbs - if that is even possible.

I don't get think like “normal” people do and my friends and family respect that. They love me for me and the ones that haven't been around or don't like what I have to say, have found other people to talk to. That is fine with me and you will have to understand that I can't be that person for you.

I am in a selfish battle right now for my baby and my life. I don't have to tell you how high risk this pregnancy is for me.

I just want to get through the next few weeks calmly with no roadblocks or complications. I say my prayers every night. I wear my St Gerard medal every hour of every single day, given to me by Ashley, my close friend and happens to also be the OB nurse who will deliver this baby, granted I make it to my scheduled C-section. I watch my body like a hawk and I embrace every single moment. Even if it's just laying on my couch and watching my stomach move back and forth and bounce up and down, because to me, that's a new moment we never experienced before.

Charlie is up there working his miracles close to God and I know he is fighting for Chris and I to take this baby home and holding my baby up there close to him. I just have to have trust, but it doesn't mean that fear is absent.

Me... Normal?!

I've noticed I haven't blogged that much but I think it's because I am working a normal person shift with normal person hours and on my days off, I am awake enough to get things done.

Excuse enough? I think it's good for now.

But I am alive, I am chugging along and singing the tune...

"I think I can, I think I can"

This week has been amazing. I turned 23 weeks, 1 week away from viability. We had 2 different ultrasounds and a fetal echo. And ready for this?...

The MFM today sat there and said

"Everything looks perfect, good heart, happy baby and I'm looking good"

Holy Cow I am NORMAL! Well, as normal as a high risk pregnancy can be. He doesn't even want to see me for 4 weeks, that's a change from the original every 2 weeks. (I still see my OB & have an u/s every 2 weeks)

So here's the stats.

At 23 weeks this baby is

• 1 lb 4 oz and 11.5 inches!!!!!!!!
• He has HUGE feet (Vicki our u/s tech said they are skis not feet), we watched him yawn and bring his hands to his face, all in real time looking down at him. It was the coolest ultrasound moment we have had. Trust me, we have had A LOT of time banked in Vicki's office, even she thought it was an amazing capture.
• He flipped sometime in the past week. Last weeks scan he was still breech and this weeks scan he flipped. I know it has no significance now, but it's exciting to feel his kicks higher up. The lower hits are now punches and the higher ones are definitely some strong kicks. It's amazing.
• The placenta looks good, and by good I mean, no accreta (placenta growing through the c-section scar) yet and it isn't showing signs that it will be. This is a BLESSING!
• NO uterine artery notching!! (had that showing by now last pregnancy)
• His heartbeat was 150, and has a beautiful little heart
• BP was 124/74
• No protein.
• We wont go into the weight issue, let's just say this baby loves SUGAR. Honestly, I have gained less than last time, so I really am healthy. And I'll gain whatever I have to if it means a HEALTHY outcome!
• My first gestational diabetes screen was NORMAL. (Thank you sweet baby Jesus)
• I look healthy, baby looks healthy, my Dr's are happy and I am getting excited things are working out.

And I guess I should mention, I gave in to my Mom and Valorie and will be having a BABY SHOWER.

OMG, am I seriously letting them do this?! I said I never would, it's something I am afraid to have and jinx the pregnancy. BUT, I don't want to look back and say, "Man, I wish I would have let myself experience that"

Plus Valorie is the PARTY planner of the decade and if it's anything like my Bachelorette Party, then be ready to be amazed by her brilliance people. Maybe I am taking a risk, but I will be 33 weeks when this shower is set for and I am praying and pleading with God that I will still be pregnant.

College Football started this week, and I am SO dang happy! We are HUGE Florida State fans and in the past few years became OSU fans since my sisters go to Ohio State. I just love college football and I am so excited this time of year is happy for us this year. Last year was so disheartening because it was hard to enjoy the season for what it was considering Nolan should have been born or graduate form the NICU during football season and should have still been with us.

My sisters and I after #1 u/s this week, I'm in my scrubs since I went strait to work. But at least I was sporting my "Future Buckeye"shirt for the first game day!

Good things seem to be happening people. I think I need to pinch myself because it doesn't feel real.