Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Grieving Heart and a Growing Belly: Guest blog

I have a best friend, we came together because of our unfortunate circumstances.

Our babies.

Over the past year, we have shared our deepest thoughts, cried to each other over the phone numerous times (more than I can count) and prayed for each other. I could not imagine going through this journey without her, she has been a  rock to me.

She has NEVER ever held any of my feelings against me, because out of all people…. she just GOT IT. And 99.9% of the time, she felt the same way.

So when I was talking to her the other night about my fears & irrational thoughts it dawned on me. She is 4 months further along in this process and from our convo she had many of the same feelings. So I asked her to write it out, I explained it’s therapy and that I would to post it on my blog.

So here we are, a guest blog of sorts from a women who doesn’t have a blog, but who has the words, feelings and thoughts to share.

I love you Amy and I couldn’t have done this past year without you.


I am Kalli's mom.

Nolan and Kalli went to heaven almost a month a part and our circumstances were really close....I mean scary close. To read about my journey, just reread Ashley's blog because she wrote down exactly what I did in my journal to my daughter. That journey still continues like Ashley's does.

It has almost been a year since I have kissed my angel and that kills me, can you imagine not being able to kiss your baby for a year and beyond. That is what we deal with daily…

But this isn't about that, it is about what is going on in my belly. I’m once again pregnant, and it is growing and I still fear having to tell people. I wasn't ready, I wanted to hide until I for sure had a healthy baby in my arms. The thought of people saying congratulations made me want to throw up. I know what happened to Kalli  and I know it wasn't my fault, but the though of losing another child......... was more then I could handle!

I grew up healthy, loving life and never thinking  or expecting that my body would betray me. I am an athlete and could always push my body to it’s limits and it never let me down, except that one time when my legs gave out at a track meet and I practically crawled across the finish line, but that has happened to everyone, right? My body has it's own agenda and for some reason bounced right back to where I was with Kalli. It was pretty obvious as soon as I got pregnant.

FEAR is my middle name right now, I have been waiting for the bottom of the barrel to fall out. I am literally a ticking time bomb.....just waiting for something bad to happen. I know that isn't a way to live. Everyone tells me to think positive, I did and look where it got me. I have to think realistically so that I don't get bulldozed again.

“I will let you be positive for me...I have to stay real to body is the one going through this.”

I know that I am pregnant, but it still hurts when people tell me that they are. I am not here to judge, but I don't take being pregnant lightly anymore! I did it the right way and I still can't figure out what I did to deserve this. I know it is the devil testing me and my faith, but he back off!

From day to day and even hour to hour or minute by minute my feelings change. I am excited about the possibility of new life. I am terrified that my body is going to fail, I know that it will, but when? I can't even dream of having a 4 lb. baby, just let it be a healthy 2 lbs - if that is even possible.

I don't get think like “normal” people do and my friends and family respect that. They love me for me and the ones that haven't been around or don't like what I have to say, have found other people to talk to. That is fine with me and you will have to understand that I can't be that person for you.

I am in a selfish battle right now for my baby and my life. I don't have to tell you how high risk this pregnancy is for me.

No one is worth getting me upset, I have to be in sound body and mind. I have to find a good place in my life for me to try and figure this out. So that I can live with the fact that I am a broken mommy trying to figure out my nitch in this world and how to handle a new baby coming into my arms knowing that it isn't my sweet Kalli. I can't imagine loving a baby more, but any mom that has had 2 or more kids tells me about how your heart grows to hold another. I am really looking forward to that. As the Dr. Appointments become a weekly tradition, the shots come everyday, and the blood pressure cuff comes more often then my meals do..... all just to give us a fighting chance.

I do want to thank all of my friends and family out there that do read this blog and know how to handle the new me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! They have never been afraid to ask me a question or talk through things and have never hated me for the honest answers that I give now. I have grown into a different person and will continue to grow through this. I can't tell you for sure if I have grown for the better or for the worse, I wonder that a lot.

In the end I know that it will be for the better, I just don't know when the end one does.


Saffy said...

Amy, I'm sorry about Kalli. Really sorry. In my next breath, here I am saying congratulations :) I get the fear. I didn't want to tell anyone until we hit (hopefully!) the 26ish week mark and I'd seen growth and arterial scans saying all was ok. Of course it's hard to hide it that long, but it still felt awkward. You'll love your new baby - maybe double what you would perhaps have if you weren't where you were. I'm sure you have a world of hopes and dreams to share, and Kalli will be watching on, pleased to see her mommy with her sibling in her arms. Hugs and all the very, very best.

Jessica said...

Amy, *huge hugs* here. I lost my son at 18 weeks last year and now am pregnant again about 14.5 weeks and just waiting for something to go wrong. My husband doesn't understand why I can't be positive. Its not that I don't want to be its that I am afraid to be. I am afraid that as soon as I get excited or let myself be excited, my body will disappoint me and I will loose this baby. Praying for a successful pregnancy for you. Thank you for sharing your feelings today.

*Laura Angel said...

Hugs to Amy! I wish she would start a blog...although i wish everyone would!

Cecilia said...

Another excellent post! I can relate to so many of those feelings. Thank you for sharing.

Sarah (Fat Little Legs) said...

Thanks for sharing all of your feelings. I'm so sorry about Kalli. I hope so much for the little one you are carrying now to be born healthy.

And to Ashley - thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm from the HELLP email group, and have been following your story since you posted about your blog on the group. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Holly said...

Thanks for the post Amy. I'm sorry to hear about your sweet Kalli.

Antoinette said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. i am not expecting a rainbow, but I feel like THAT is what I will feel like when I do...I wont want the "jinx" of a congratulations...and yet if I dont hear it i will wonder if they think the worst a BLM we will never truly be "normal" in another pregnancy and that just plain sucks...You are a good friend ahd im glad she has you to be there with her during this time...God bless your rainbows...I wish you all the best in the future!!

Jenn said...

amy, God bless your heart. though i've never been where you have been, i do feel for you and your hurt. i agree with those that say be positive, but i also understand you saying you need to be realistic. this is what i would add to all of that...just do your best in trusting God and knowing that He is in control. i know you are doing your best at that...keep it up friend! you have been a source of strength for many people. it's amazing all that you do, and you are to be commended for going to school every single day to teach kids what they need to know. that inner strength only comes from God. you know that tho'. thankful to know you and thanks for sharing your thoughts and heart.

Betty said...

Thank you for sharing with us Amy. I am sorry for you loss. And congrats on the pregnancy. (((Hugs)))

elena said...

*hug* to you Amy, I am sorry to hear about your sweet Kalli. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

love and prayers