Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fear

I'm afraid. When I first found out I was pregnant I was surprisingly calm. I told myself I would enjoy every second possible. When the people who knew I was pregnant asked how I was doing. I think they were expecting to hear something along the lines of scared, anxious, afraid… and oh ya my boobs hurt, no upchucks YET ect ect.

But I have this fear. I said since day one of my grief journey that I didn’t want to have a pregnancy with someone else ever again. I have lost my friendships of those kind when I lost Nolan. I am not proud of some of my feelings but they were inevitable. Jealousy is a big fat monster. I can’t help but look at their babies and relate what Nolan would have been doing how how big he would be getting. It made me crave my baby here on earth 1,000 times more.

When I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream.

I remember it like it really happened. I was SO happy playing with a friends baby and was a few weeks or months pregnant. I was getting the baby to laugh and I was playing airplane with it. It felt good, it felt like I should feel about babies. Then my friend who I was closely pregnant with Nolan walked in with her baby and came to talk to me. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t smile at her.. because I was still so hurt that Nolan wasn’t here. He should be THAT size, he should starting on THOSE solids.. blah blah blah. It was like my subconscious mind was trying to tell me that part of me was still hurting even though I am pregnant again.

Being pregnant again doesn’t fix it. I didn’t expect it to nor want it to.

So now, that I am back in the desired spot I have been happy. Thankful. Over the moon! Until someone broke the news. They are pregnant too. We are due so close to each other, within 48 hours. And as much as I am happy for them. I am TERRIFIED of being left in the dust again. Afraid of what happened last time. Losing friends. Avoiding new babies the size of what my baby would have been. Just afraid of it all. I just can’t do that again. It was one of my hardest spots in grieving.

I tend to hyper focus and this is something that is going to bother me. I can’t help it, I am not proud of it. I know just because I am pregnant doesn’t mean the world stops and I am warranted to be the ONLY one pregnant. But the fact that it is a friend, neighbor and co-worker- I can’t run from it as easily. I am broken.

Scared.

And so worried of having that dirt kicked up in my face once again. So when people ask how I am doing.. I’m SCARED.

26 comments:

belle said...

(((hugs)))

*Laura Angel said...

I feel the same way about friends that I was pregnant with. I feel like they look at me differently now. Plus we really don't have a lot in common anymore...lets be honest. Hugs to you!

klarsen said...

I know exactly how you feel. My SIL were due 5 days apart. Now I have a nephew the age Hannah should be. This time I wanted to go it alone, too. My niece and I are 4 days apart. It scares the hell out of me for all the same reasons you listed. I know EXACTLY how you feel. xxx Lots of love and MANY prayers.

Natalie and Lee said...

I have never commented on your blog, but I have been following you... I love how honest you are about everything.. you just let it all out and that is awesome! These are all normal feelings, anyone would have! I am praying for you and your baby...

Brie said...

I love your honesty and understand that it's not easy putting it out there for the world to see, but you have the ability to put into words the way sooo many of us feel..and although I am not yet pregnant again, the feelings you describe are oh so familiar. Much love to you.

magdalina said...

I already know that's going to be a huge fear of mine. I was left in the dust behind so many people and I'm afraid it will happen again. Part of me wants to tell everyone when we'll start trying so I can be the only one in the group, but I know that will never happen.

Andrea said...

Sometimes we have to build those walls and set those boundaries to protect ourselves. All I can say is this, convey those feelings to your friend/co-worker and "if" she's a "keeper" she will understand your withdrawal from things. Often times we just have to do things our way for our own peace of mind. It's sad, but a defense mechanism of a BLM.

HUGS and so happy you connected with Lauren and had so much fun!

xo

Michelle said...

I am so sorry! But I think your feelings are normal and it is ok to feel that way. Pregnancies will never be the same for us baby loss moms. I am scared that I am going to have the same thing happen to me. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Lisette said...

Oh sweety I can totally understand your fear. You have been through so much, it's normal to feel that way. In life we are guaranteed anything, we know that first hand. I am sorry, I am not pregnant but just thinking of it makes me scared. I have a niece who is only 10 days older than Sami, it hurts to see her. I know it's not her fault but it is a constant reminder of that I don't have. I am jealous, not proud of it but that is the truth. I know if and when I do get pregnant those feelings will never go away. Sorry I am rambling on and on.. Big ((HUGS)) to you.

Jessica said...

*huge hugs* I relate to this all too well. It is so hard to tell someone who is currently pregnant that you are pregnant too. I have been so afraid to loose my baby again.

No one gets what a journey we are on after loss.

valerie said...

Ashley, I lvoe your blog and the way you put so simply in words how you feel. I feel for you...hopefully you will have a very different experience and you will find peace and not be so scared. This is all a lot to handle I am sure but try to find the good and do not be so hard on yourself..you are beautiful inside and out. Try to focus on you and your baby to be and not on the others all around you. HUGs and lots of good thoughts your way.

Sharebear said...

I have never commented before about your blog, however I can tell you that as a heart mom. I feel the same way. My son has had many struggles in the first 15 months of his life and my being pregnant again, makes me pray that everyday that this baby does not face the same challenges. I love my son and would not change anything because it makes him who he is. But who wants to go through it again.

MissingYouAlways said...

I just found out a few days ago that im pregnnt with my rainbow baby as well. I have so many fears as well. scared when I go to the doctors ill be told im not pregnant and the tests were false, afraid my pregnancy will end before it begins, afraid of losing another baby the same way i lost my jordan.

its all very scary but I wish you the best

Maddie said...

Hugs. I still find it hard to be around pregnant women even though I'm pregnant too. It just reminds me of how different things are for us - at the ultrasound the other day, they were all sitting in the waiting room laughing and smiling. I was sitting there crying and trying not to go into a total meltdown.

Thinking of you and hoping everything keeps going smoothly.

xx

Maggie said...

It is very scary & you have every right to feel that way. XO We'll be here to support you! :)

Jayme said...

YES! It's so hard to see those 'shadow' babies... babies that are around the age yours was supposed to be. Hopefully before you know it you'll have your take home baby and you'll think back to this worry, this fear, and realize it was for nothing :) But when you're in the moment, it's oh so hard! I know I cut myself off from so many friends, just because I couldn't deal.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry you will have to go through this with someone - it does seem like it would be easier to do it as the only pregnant person at the time. I used to wish I was pregnant at the same time as my friends but not anymore.

Thinking about you.

cmatsukes said...

I can understand what you are saying but sometimes facing your fears helps relieve them I have never lost a baby but have recently lost 2 people I loved so much and they both took a part of my heart with them My Mike and My Mom both recently within 3 years. I know it is hard to be happy for the others but if you can I think it will help with your current pregnancy as well. But dont take this wrong I am trying to help and I can see your point it hurts to see those babies when I see Makayla I think of Nolan too. It gives me a good feeling now though thinking his spirit is there too. I think that way of Mike and My Mom too that there spirit is always with me and when I think of that I feel better just my way. I hope you will be able to get through your feelings and get your dream baby. Take care of yourself.
Hugs Love Aunt Chris.

Saffy said...

Fear? Normal. Not nice, but a fact, dammit. Keep taking that lovenox - Christmas at your place this year is gonna ROCK :)

Megan said...

You and baby will be in my prayers til 2011! :)

Sending my love from SC to you, hubby, Nolan and Baby #2!

Angie said...

Just one day at a time. Hang in there.

Cape Girl said...

Ashley, I don't usually comment, but this struck a real cord with me. I lost my baby, Wyatt, in November at 26 weeks. At the time, one of my sisters was 13 weeks behind me, and my best friend was about 20 weeks behind me. It has been so hard for me these past six months.

I'm pregnant again and 6 weeks along. We did IVF, and the day I found out about my beta, one of my other sisters, announced she's pregnant. We're two weeks apart. I flipped out. I just can't imagine how I will handle this if something happens again!

I feel your pain. It's so scary!

Sending lots of love. XOXO

Holly said...

For the most part, I've been pretty happy and calm this pregnancy but every once in awhile the fear and worry sets in. I think it's normal with a PAL. I am praying for you.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

That exact thing you're afraid of happened to me with my 2nd pregnancy (which you may know ended because it was ectopic). A VERY close friend of mine and I were due one day apart: August 17 & 18. Well, my pregnancy ended shortly after I found out and she's planning her baby shower for next month. It freakin sucks...and I am finding it hard to be happy for her. Hard to even care how her pregnancy is going. I rarely ask. I'm a selfish, hateful, b*tch I guess...but it's how I feel. Of course being pregnant AGAIN with my fingers and toes crossed that this one makes it here alive...I'm feeling a little more at ease with pregnancy talk but thankfully I don't know anyone else pregnant right this second. You will get through it if something terrible happens, but I pray that it doesn't. I don't think anyone deserves a first loss, let alone a second...or in my case a third. Let me know if you need to talk or vent!

B's Mom said...

What you are feeling is normal. I know it doesn't make it any easier to experience. Just know you are not alone.

Busted Kate said...

I understand completely. When I had a miscarriage last year, two of my closest friends were due within weeks of when I would have been due (had I not miscarried). The rest of their pregnancy, I had to look at them and think, I would be that size, I could be in labor now, my kid would be that old. It was all a painful reminder.

I understand, I feel you. Glad we can be here to support each other, with the hope we have better outcomes for both of us this time around!