I'm afraid. When I first found out I was pregnant I was surprisingly calm. I told myself I would enjoy every second possible. When the people who knew I was pregnant asked how I was doing. I think they were expecting to hear something along the lines of scared, anxious, afraid… and oh ya my boobs hurt, no upchucks YET ect ect.
But I have this fear. I said since day one of my grief journey that I didn’t want to have a pregnancy with someone else ever again. I have lost my friendships of those kind when I lost Nolan. I am not proud of some of my feelings but they were inevitable. Jealousy is a big fat monster. I can’t help but look at their babies and relate what Nolan would have been doing how how big he would be getting. It made me crave my baby here on earth 1,000 times more.
When I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream.
I remember it like it really happened. I was SO happy playing with a friends baby and was a few weeks or months pregnant. I was getting the baby to laugh and I was playing airplane with it. It felt good, it felt like I should feel about babies. Then my friend who I was closely pregnant with Nolan walked in with her baby and came to talk to me. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t smile at her.. because I was still so hurt that Nolan wasn’t here. He should be THAT size, he should starting on THOSE solids.. blah blah blah. It was like my subconscious mind was trying to tell me that part of me was still hurting even though I am pregnant again.
Being pregnant again doesn’t fix it. I didn’t expect it to nor want it to.
So now, that I am back in the desired spot I have been happy. Thankful. Over the moon! Until someone broke the news. They are pregnant too. We are due so close to each other, within 48 hours. And as much as I am happy for them. I am TERRIFIED of being left in the dust again. Afraid of what happened last time. Losing friends. Avoiding new babies the size of what my baby would have been. Just afraid of it all. I just can’t do that again. It was one of my hardest spots in grieving.
I tend to hyper focus and this is something that is going to bother me. I can’t help it, I am not proud of it. I know just because I am pregnant doesn’t mean the world stops and I am warranted to be the ONLY one pregnant. But the fact that it is a friend, neighbor and co-worker- I can’t run from it as easily. I am broken.
And so worried of having that dirt kicked up in my face once again. So when people ask how I am doing.. I’m SCARED.