Friday, May 21, 2010

I need that brown paper bag.

I feel like a mess. It's all starting to hit. Maybe I am hormonal or maybe it's the raw reality of what happened to us last year. The fact we lost Nolan. The fact it's coming up on a year. The fact I am scheduled to work the night, the night that marks exactly a year that Chris and I rushed to the elevator to make it to the NICU to see Nolan as they we're coding him. The exact year at 1:30 in the morning that Nolan slipped out of our hands as we stood there and watched the team back away from his isolette.

Yes I asked off the 11th, but I didn't ask for the 10th in which all reality... that is when it happened, just after it turned the 11th. What was I thinking?

Not only that.

Maybe it's the fact that since being pregnant everyone thinks I am cured and that grieving is a thing of the past. I am SO far from cured, I thought it was a life long process. How could I be, or will I ever be? HELL NO! So PLEASE stop running to me, running to shout out things that you know that I would be sensitive to before I was pregnant. I still need to be gentle on myself for awhile.

Do you think I want to know about your pregnancy, do you think it's not hard for me to hear still? IT IS! Being pregnant doesn't fix that fear, and GOD I wish it did. I want to be genuinely happy for others, but it so hard when your hurting so bad inside and wondering if you will ever make it to the desired spot. I am happy for them and I wish the best for them all, of course. I know it's impossible to be pregnant alone, but why am I a person you feel inclined to tell so soon? Would you have done that 2 months ago? Naw... you know it stings me. Damn my own pregnancy scares me. And I imagine it will be on pins and needles the whole time. Only a BLM REALLY understands this, so I may sound crazy to all the rest of you. (I promise I'm not, I am just a mother who craves to hold my son, a mother convinced this will happen to me every time. No amount of positive thinking will cure that. Just a strong amount of FAITH and HOPE can help us get through these hard months.)

Maybe it's that fact that work got baby last night. Something that EVERYONE will be talking about for the next few days. It's a traumatic event that needs to be talked through. But I could have done with out knowing (although I KNOW it's near impossible). I know everyone is glad I wasn't there and that they want to shelter me. But there will always be that one person that feels it necessary to say SOMETHING (may it be in the 'good intentions). I can't really hide from it, and I am used to that. Sure they all know it was the BEST thing I wasn't there last night, but it doesn't stop everyone from talking about it.

I'm just irritated, hurt, scared and just want to hide the next 8 months. I want to sleep through June, I don't want to feel the feelings that are coming back, it feels like June 11th JUST happened. All that crap about the hurt lessening, IT DOES... But then- it sneak attacks on you. Like now. Like when I realize I am a little over 2 weeks away from June 11th. I look at pictures of Nolan and I have to remind myself that it happened, we lost him. We really did. It started to feel like a dream, I'm not sure if they count that as 'pain fades'. But as much as I am excited to celebrate his little life, I also have to mourn what really took place 2.5 days later.

How will I survive the next month? Anyone else want to jump and come running to me about their pregnancy, or about any horror stories that happened to you? Didn't stop half the people in the fast few weeks. I need to stay on the down low to protect myself, less stress... focus on the good, right? I promise I am trying REAL hard.

I know this blog is all over the place. And that's because that's how I feel right now, my emotions are everywhere. My anxiety is sky high, I can't help it. Just SO much is going on right now. Sad baby stories at work, Nolan's anniversary approaching WAY too quickly, non-BLM running to me to tell me their news. Every new one, sends me spiraling wondering... will I lose that friend too bc I just can't seem to get over the fact that I lost 2 friends last year because they couldn't understand I was hurting. I just needed some time- some time to process what I just entered into, I wasn't ready -JUST YET- for everyone else's. In time, yes... but now.. no. Maybe if it wasn't the month of June quickly approaching it would be easier, but right now. I just want to have some space, some time to reflect and not be bombarded by, well... things that give me more anxiety.

Phew. My tears have dried up since starting this post. Thanks Val for listening to me this morning and yes, blogging made me feel better.

I love my friends, I love that good things are all happening to them. I really am. I may not show my enthusiasm right now, but in time...I will. I just need more time. I need to get through the next month. I need to get through the coming weeks in ultrasounds that tell us if this baby is on the same path as Nolan. I need some time to process what can happen to us again this year and some time to process what happened last year. And in all the joy and thankfulness of being pregnant again, I need to remember our Nolan.

Again, I think I am just in sensory overload.

Thank you for all your sweet comments in the previous posts, they remind me of things I tend to forget, remind me I have normal feelings and reassure me that I'm not alone.


magdalina said...

I love you and you aren't crazy for these feelings! I think it's 100% normal and like you said, only BLM can truly know the feelings you expressed.

Antoinette said...

WOW yes, you are perfectly feeling normal, im only in this 3 months and I would imagine feeling the SAME as you are with a rainbow..DONT come running up to me and think we share a story WE dont only our BLM know what we mean and how we feel..and i can still ONLY hear about rainbows coming or being scared with you and excited with you and SAD about Nolan with is a bittersweet thing i can imagine when rainbow comes along and i wish people still realized that YES you are pregnant but Nolan's day is quickly approaching and there is no drug in the world strong enough for that pain to be "OK" by now..xoxo...keep blogging though getting your emotions and feelings out will help keep you together...Rainbow needs momma to b calm..xoxo

Sara said...

It's so hard! It stinks! I am only 8.5 months into my journey after losing my son and 24 weeks into my rainbow pregnancy and every day is a challenge in one way or another.

Just get through each day the best you can. Great job putting your feelings out there. That's what people need from us. And be willing to ask for help.

I will leave you with something that another mommy said to me about my rainbow pregnancy...maybe it will help you too! - Don't let worry be the thing you remember about this pregnancy.

I'm praying for you!

belle said...


this post doesn't seem all over the place to me, it's seems just perfect and very normal.

always praying.... there is so much my heart wants to say but the words just don't come. i'm so sorry that this road has gotten harder.... tough days will always be there but easier days will too. hold tight my friend, you are supported and understood here, in this BL blog world, you are among friends.

Marie W said...

Vent away Ashley. I am so sorry that you even have to experience these emotions. It is tough and I wont lie and say its going to be easy. I was on pins and needles the whole time. What I can tell you though is that you have MANY praying for you. I even taught myself to say this mantra when I was worrying : "i am doing all that I can, the rest is up to God". Praying, Praying, Praying for you. {hugs}

The Blue Sparrow said...

(((HUGS))) You are so not crazy, I promise. When I found out I was expecting our rainbow I was so emotional and I went through all of these ups and downs too. I'll be praying!

the Spocks said...

I have not lost a child. I have lost a parent and grieving is a process. You are't crazy at all. Praying for you and your pregnancy.

My life said...

I think you have a lot going on and I can't imagine the toll it is taking on you to hear from other N-BLM to tell you about their pregnancy. I know how that feels all to well. I think you are brave to share how you feel, and it helps the rest of us who can't say it out loud. I lost a friend I was pregnant with at the same time I was. About 3 months after I had Nathan she would complain to me about how over being pregnant she was and what she wouldn't do to be done already I just couldn't handle hearing it because I would have been pregnant for a year if it meant keeping my son. I hope that you are able to keep all of your friends and in 8 months you are holding your sweet baby ;)

Busted Kate said...

This is an amazing post. You have literally taken the words right out of my mouth. I wonder if I will ever enjoy a pregnancy, if I will never not have a day where I wonder if this is where it all ends.

Hang in there. I understand.

Lisette said...

This post is not everywhere, it is rightly said. I am sorry that you are hurting so much, I know the next few weeks are going to be extremely difficult. I wish I could give you a big hug through this computer and sit with you to just talk about your precious Nolan. I think of the two of you all the time and now your little one too. Praying that God is gentle with your heart these days.

Holly said...

I'm sure the days leading up to a year will be hard and I hope that people will be sensitive to that fact. The feelings you have are completely normal IMO and it's definitely something other BLMs understand.

Maddie said...

Hugs. I too hate the fact that now I'm pregnant again people have starting telling me about friends of friends pregnancies. I still find it hard being around pregnant women and babies - that hasn't changed.

Sending you hugs as you approach 1 year.

Maddie x

Angie said...

Oh honey. Hang in there.

Krystle said...

I don't see how anyone can feel like you are ready to not be jealous over another's pregnancy. I think personally, I would always have jealous and angry feelings towards others. Best friends, or not. The fact that they can't put themselves in your place is entirely their issue, not yours. I know I don't always say the right thing to you, but I try to say something, so you know someone else cares about you & sweet Nolan. Losing a child isn't something you ever, "get over." They don't make replacement children and it sounds like some of your friends need a wakeup call with some harsh truths before you explode. I'm hoping for a chunker of a baby growing in your tummy.

MissingYouAlways said...

the feelings you are feeling are normal hun. My sons 1 year is coming up in july, and I too am pregnant with a rainbow baby, so all those emotions, I share with you. everything you just said is all too familiar. I cant help but be terrified out of my mind, every little bit of discomfort I stress and think ill miscarry, or something aweful, and no matter how many positive things people tell me, it doesnt ease my fear because NONE of them know what it feels like to lose your child, and none of them understand the fear. the fear of losing another

Jessica said...

*huge hugs* I totally get this. Unless they have been there they don't get it. Being pregnant no way replaces the child you have lost. In some ways it almost hurts more.