Admit #2

I would give my right arm and left leg and look like a hobble if it meant we could go full term until CC arrives. I get so irritated when people whine and beg before 37 weeks for their baby to make their grand appearance just because they are uncomfortable and bored with pregnancy. Are these people crazy? There are pregnancies out there DYING to get that far. Such as myself.

So here we are, admitted back at the hospital in hopes of getting this monster to full term. I had felt off all week, I know it was a pretty busy week with the baby shower and surprise guests. But that landed me in triage early Wednesday morning with increased BP’s and headaches. Most everything checked out okay, but he had a significant decel and that bought a BPP ultrasound. He checked out fine, he took some practice breaths, moved a little bit, had lower than normal fluid and heart rate was acceptable. I was sent home and had a follow-up BPP and appointment yesterday.

I knew he had been sluggish in movement all week, my OB knows that too. I wasn’t expecting him to not pass yesterday but it doesn't surprise me with the motherly gut instinct that something hasn’t been right all week. I’ve just felt off and I am pretty good at listening to my body.

So he didn’t pass the movement and tone part of his BPP yesterday with his normal ultrasound sonographer who I trust with my life, so he got an unscheduled NST. Which my kid is lazy and decided to not move during that leaving the test un-reactive and buying me a nice flat bed on 2 South with bad TV but constant monitoring. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

I was 1,000% content with this decision, plus my OB knows me better than I do, she knows I would have ended up back in her hands this weekend if she dared sent me home with a follow-up BPP in triage next morning. God I love her.

So last night, CC decided to have some decels that were enough to call my OB at 2am. Thankfully he perked up a little after but he still has been sluggish all night and even this morning. Something just feels off. I had my follow-up BPP this morning which was my ticket out of here if he passed, but he didn’t. Again, my kid is being a lazy. I started contracting a tiny bit this morning but nothing to write home about and the tech mentioned my placenta looking a little too mature. (not good) considering Nolan’s super aged and unhealthy placenta.

Well Thank You lady, because you just made my anxiety go up to the sky. Bless my poor OBs heart when she came in to discuss the plans and I broke out in Niagara Falls. I was terrified of her wanting to send me home, when how can I think about going home?! I have no desire to, I am terrified that something will happen, like worst case scenerio. I will feel his last kick, he will get wrapped up in his cord, his placenta will fail, something… something can happen. Sure, I know WAY too much, but I was adopted into this baby loss community where some of my closest support the past year has lost their babies in similar ways. I am so blessed to have the OB I do, she feels confident that CC is doing okay, his decels were normal last night since his strip looked reactive.

When I say, I just have this gut feeling something isn’t right despite the good monitor numbers. I am so glad she has no problem watching me longer until he starts to perk up to his usual self. I don’t think that he will be born early, nor do I want that. AT ALL. I am avoiding the NICU mess at all chance, but I am so scared of something happening in utero.

SO when I say this to her, she isn’t shocked and understands and was going to keep me anyways BUT that’s because she has been through this journey with us. She stood there and gave us the bad news of Nolan at 18 weeks about his growth, it was my first time ever seeing her at the practice. She sat on my bed with an ultrasound the morning of June 8th and told me how sick I was and how NOW was the time. She left her appointments the morning of June 11th and came and wrapped her arms around me and cried with me after we lost Nolan. She was excited for this new pregnancy, she has fought to get me to every milestone. Given me every test under the book, scanned me more times than I can count. She took me in first thing the morning after Charlie’s accident just to check me out and give me a peace of mind. She was there the week my Grandpa died. She knows everything we have been through. So when I say, how can I feel confident when we have so much misfortune, she can honestly say, I can’t argue with you.

So since my test was not the best this morning and even though my monitor looks decent with everything it should show, she is being an angel and keeping me 1-2 more days. She’s doing it because she rocks, she knows my fears and if there was ONE thing we want this year is to make it to December 10th. I have been given the steroid shots just in case, and switched to Heparin a week early just incase CC changes his plans. I am in good hands and have amazing nurses who all remember Nolan and what we went through and I can’t thank my lucky stars enough.

Again, I will do anything for this monster baby to wake up, be himself and give me the confidence to say I can make it the next 3 weeks and 6 days. It’s just so hard when our family attracts the worst luck and you have a gut feeling. I think my cozy room on the 2nd floor is home until CC decides that he is wide awake and ready for action again. Then I will go home with confidence to countdown the last 27 days.

I can’t forget this lil guy on my bedside table, I know he was closely watching his little brother that I so desperately want to bring home.