Bittersweet realism

I have to say, next to my fear of an early delivery and CC coming too early. My next biggest fear is when this all finally happens, I will be in so much shock it won't feel real. The past week or so, I have laid in bed at night and I day dream in my head what I believe will happen on December 10th if we make it.

I pre-play getting ready in the morning, doing my hair and getting last minute details together because I realize the next time we walk through those doors together, we will be a family of 4. I play in my head all the emotions and details of pre-op and getting ready to finally meet our 2nd born. I wonder what we will be feeling in those minutes of delivery. What will Dr Fish and I talk about this time and what will fly out of my mouth under the influence of drugs. I know I was a hoot last time and that was under terrifying circumstances. I think about how CC's Godmother Ashley is the OB nurse who will catch CC from Dr Fish and take care of him, and I imagine her bringing him over to Chris and I for the first time. Will I cry? Will Chris even shed a tear? Will I hold him right away? Will we get that amazing family picture in the OR? It's going to be one happy OR when this happens. And I can't forget, we will finally figure out what the heck will we "name" him?! We know what few ideas, but decided to wait until we meet him to see what fits. Christopher, Trey, Charlie???

Ahhhhh! It's so close, so real, yet still feels like a complete dream that this might be happening. I won't lie, I am scared of what I will feel in those first hours. I'm sure I will see Nolan in the little guy and I will be overwhelmed with happiness yet bittersweet sadness. I know this probably makes no sense, but to a Mother who held her first baby with no heartbeat, what will it feel like holding a baby full of life? What will it feel like when I realize my brother won't be walking in begging to hold him? You have no idea, Charlie was OBSESSED with visiting Nolan in the NICU. He went everyday and he loved him so much. Will it finally hit me that he is really gone?

What will it be like to see Chris hold him? I think about the first time my family and best friends meet him. I have a small group I want at the hospital that morning, knowing that the next few days, he may just possibly be the most visited baby of the week. That poor 4th floor. But I am SO okay with that, I will want to show him to the world, just like I did his little brother. We even have a photographer coming to take pictures the day before we are discharged to capture all the hospital moments. I want to savor the details that are so easily forgotten after leaving the hospital. The moments that we never got with Nolan, the visitors, the swaddled baby, Chris and I holding him, the bassinet. To some it may be overkill, but this is the next biggest day since our wedding and Nolan and I don't want to forget it.

I got the idea after coming across this photographer's blog, and a local photographer is going to make this very same type of session happen. It was funny, when I emailed her inquiring about the strange request, I found out she has been one of my blog readers for awhile. Ironic? Naw, just means it was meant to be. She has read our struggle, our ups and downs and fully understands with out re-explaining how important this is for us. I am just so darn excited for this!

All these thoughts are just making it more real, more concrete and it's like a dream is really happening. Nolan is going to have a little brother.

This Sunday is the baby shower, the very same baby shower I swore up, down, left and right I would NEVER have. I just didn't want the hype just to be let down again. But as this pregnancy progressed, I promised myself I would try to let myself enjoy what all pregnant women are entitled to. My best best best friends, Val & Erin and my parents have planned one huge party.

I am shocked at the amount of people wanting to come celebrate, it seriously warms my heart and reminds me how much our story impacted my friends and family last year. But really, I could care less about the presents and games, no lie. I am just so excited to see all my friends, family and co-workers that I haven't seen in awhile. I'm dying to show off this party that Valorie has put her heart and soul into planning the past 2 months (Valorie is party planner of the century) and more than anything, I am overjoyed to celebrate the fact that this pregnancy is so far healthy. Despite hospital admissions, numerous Dr appointments, ultrasounds, nightly Lovenox injections for 8 months, many 24 hour marriages to the orange jug, fear, anxiety and days where hope seemed absent... We will be 32 weeks, one of my biggest goals other than making it to our C-section date. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate.

This is real.

It kind of feels like in those emotional songs where the band is having an instrumental solo part of the song building up to the big chorus. That's exactly how it feels, we are in that instrumental build up. The chorus is so close!

5 weeks and 2 days. Only 37 days left until we meet this little guy.