Friday, October 21, 2011

My heart feels ready

I'm starting to feel ready.

Ready to conquer fears and pursue my dreams.

I know it's going to be a process and take a lot of work, but I know I can do it.

My mom always said "Don't tell Ashley she can't do anything because she will prove you wrong"

Granted, no one is telling me I can't do this- it's my broken heart that had held me back.

It's been 2.5 years and my heart is telling me to go forth. This won't be an overnight change, that's for sure but I am ready to put 100% into my dreams. Dreams that got put on hold the night Chris and I watched our Nolan code in front of our very eyes.

I'm ready to start the process of becoming a NICU RT. I've wanted this long before Nolan ever happened, and it was suppose to happen. It's actually what I went into Respiratory for, I have a lot of learning and preparation to do aside from the emotional perspective.

It took me 2 years to even step foot back into the NICU after that night, but when I did- it felt good. A bittersweet feeling I guess you could say.

So in the meantime, I am currently working on a new project involving the NICU and I know it's something I have a calling for and it's something I can do in Nolan's memory. It's also the first of may steps to prepare me to accomplish my dreams. I plan on sharing this all with you when it becomes official, hopefully very soon.

I'm putting myself on a 2 year plan. I have a lot of re-learning to do so I am as close to ready as possible. Working in the world of adults for 5.5 years leaves you pretty rusty on things in teeny tiny land. I'm putting my mind to this. I need this. I can do this.

This is what Nolan would want for me, he gave me a perspective that only a handful have and I want to use that to help others.

Ok, so there it is, no going back- it's blogged. Oh and I can't wait to share this new project so stay tuned!!


LauraJane said...

Good for you to pursue your dreams. :) I love that you can do this in Nolan's honour.

I am forever greatful for the RTs at the SickKids NICU (we called them breathey-doctors, and for some reason they didn't hate us despite this) for helping our sweet boy, and for putting him in our arms despite the fact it meant adjusting so many things. Loved them. :)

Good luck!

Betsy said...

Reading this made me cry! I think it's amazing that you're going to pursue your dream. I know Nolan is proud of you :)

Angie said...

Good luck! I know what you mean, here I am with my frickin teaching degree going back to school to be a least you are staying in the same career field!

Jill said...

This made me cry too! You will do beautiful at whatever your project is. Cant wait to hear about it Ashley! Nolan is proud of his mama! and so is CC :)

erin. said...

So excited for you!!! Good luck Ashley! <3

Abigail said...

Ashley that is amazing!!! I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors in reaching this goal. I don't know you personally but from what I read you do seem like a very motivated and determined individual. I hope the best for you in all that lays ahead

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances said...

This post made me cry. Again. I am so proud of you - what an amazing decision.

EmiLeeC said...

That is such a great goal! My sister introduced me to your blog and I love it! You are so strong and lovely. You can do it! Do it for Nolan! Do it for you!

Holly said...

That's the hardest step I think is making the decision to do it! Nolan would be proud of you!

Pam McBride said...

It was your dream in RT school when I met you... :)

Talk to Tim, he's amazing at NICU stuff and he's a wonderful mentor. Even if I am a bit biased. :) <3