Half Way There

I should bust out in Bon Jovi's classic, but I'll spare you my voice.

18 weeks.

Today, I am half way to our delivery date. That's about 132 more days till we meet our new little guy. Will we make it that far? We can hope, right? It's only 130 or so Lovenox shots in the belly, not too bad.

We pretty much live week by week and we have our weekly goals. Everyday is a blessing and every week this little guy grows is a victory.

Our goals

• 18 weeks- half way
• 24 weeks- viability. Dr F said we're already ahead of the game if we get this far since this baby will be bigger than our little guy
• 26 weeks- when Nolan was born
• 32 weeks- our 'safe' goal we were given last pregnancy with Nolan. I remember Dr F saying "If we can just get you to 32 weeks"
• 36 weeks- Ultimate goal & c-section (I can't go much past 36 weeks due to type of c-section I had)

It was tonight while watching Boston Med that I got all giddy about the newborn on the show. I said something along the lines of "Awwww I really want one of those" as in like a newborn baby that we get to take home.

Chris looked at me like I was crazy and said "We have one, right there in your belly"

It dawned on me that I still don't feel like this is all real at times. It feels surreal that we may just be rocking a baby in our arms in just a few months. This can really happen, I mean we're already half way there, right?

We just don't know what my body is going to do, no matter how healthy and big this baby can be. We have that little thing called pre-eclampsia & HELLP dangling over our heads and it can appear at anytime and I freaking HATE it!

So.....

Here's to another smooth sailing 18 weeks (raises water bottle)

Thankful on Thursday

Thankful for this little guy taking residence in my belly and giving me kicks to tell me he's growing like a weed.

Thankful & Excited.

And I am thankful for this video.

A must watch.

My brother's speech to his graduating respiratory class. That was given just 1 week after saying goodbye to Nolan and he even mentions our little fighter in it.

(wipes tears from face)

He was so wise for his young age. How he accomplished so much in so little time.

MFM update

Oh how I hate that place. It's where I was told Nolan would die, where he would not survive, go home and grieve and pretty much have no hope. Little did that Dr know. Even after that first appointment, every single appointment from there on out was bad, stressful, scary and hopeless.

So I don't like going there, even if it's for the extra bonus ultrasound. I get enough of those every week with the Ob & tech I actually like. And I had a small anxiety freak out when I saw that very same Dr walking around the office today. PLEASE GOD let the Dr I am suppose to see be here. I REFUSE to see that lady.

But for once, I walked out of there with a smile. Even after wanting to knock the ultrasound tech out for lecturing me about eating and how I shouldn't skip breakfast. Little does she know, I can't eat before going to that office because my nerves make me so sick- SO SICK. I think I know how to take care of myself. Your talking to the girl who force fed myself last week when I had no appetite. So shut it. Go back to scanning. Thank you. (Gosh I sound bitchy here)

Anywho.

The Dr we saw this time is newer to the practice, kinda hippy like and I REALLY like him. He actually read my chart, knew my history and was very calming while talking to us. He said everything is looking good. But he understands how we probably have the feeling of waiting for the bomb to drop. He said his main concern right now is my placenta being RIGHT over my classical c-section scar. As if having that scar wasn't risky enough, my placenta decided to attach right to it. My luck, huh?

I guess it's not an issue this early in pregnancy, but said come in a few weeks I will be going in quite often to get it checked. Hopefully as my scar stretches it doesn't affect the placenta and baby stays supplied with nutrition and we deliver at 36 weeks. But he said we need to be ready if it starts misbehaving.

He also mentioned the u/s tech seeing a heart defect (septal) so nothing too alarming. Nolan also had this. But when he took a look himself, he didn't see it. But that's another thing to keep an eye on.

But as of right now, my placenta looks healthy, with Nolan it was practically non-existent. This baby is growing perfect, Nolan was already 1-2 weeks behind in growth by now. This baby is still a boy and he has huge feet, JUST LIKE NOLAN. My amniotic fluid levels are perfect, with Nolan they were already real low.

So I am just happy that things seem to be heading in the right direction. I am happy with this new MFM Dr I saw today and feel comfortable for the first time. I'll be seeing him again in 2.5 weeks, and then will start 1-2 week appointments from there on out.

I actually feel confident in this MFM business for once. It's a good feeling. Maybe I'll actually eat next time before going in... take that u/s tech lady!

27

HaPpY BiRthDaY to Me!

Even though I don't feel 'as' happy as I should be, I am thankful I am actually pregnant for my birthday. It's amazing to look back on the past 4 birthdays and see how much has changed.

My 24th birthday I was celebrating my Golden Birthday. I think it was the biggest birthday party I have ever had.

My 25th birthday was the year I got married. One weekend was my Pirate Birthday party that I shared with one of my good friends. The next weekend was a bridal shower. I was so excited it was the age I was finally getting married! It was going to be a great year.

I swear, we were all dressed as pirates. Don't ask but the party was a BLAST!

My 26th birthday was spent grieving Nolan. I should have still been pregnant, shouldn't be able to drink wine and should be the happiest girl in the world. Instead I moped around in tears and wishing I had Nolan with me, in my belly. Since Chris had gone back to work that week, my best friend threw a very small game night at home and made me a funfetti birthday cake.

And here I am at 27. I'm stuck on how to feel. It's hard because I said I would be so happy if I made it to my birthday still pregnant. And I have made it. Vicki my u/s tech gave me the greatest gift of all and told us it was a boy and a healthy looking one at that. But then on the other hand, how can I be so happy when just a week and a half ago I lost my baby brother? I'm still grieving that- obviously.

2 Birthday's in a row that grief is so new and fresh. So when people ask what I want for my birthday, I can't help but think...

"Duh, isn't it obvious? I wan't Nolan and Charlie back here with me"

It's just not logical and I have to attempt to enjoy this day for what it is. I am 27, one year older and still alive. I have a big & so far healthy baby boy growing inside of me. I have family to surround me today. And in the big picture, Charlie wouldn't want me to be sad today, he would want me to feel happy. So that's what I am going to try to do.

Be happy. Be Thankful.

Happy News

I've needed some here, ESPECIALLY in the past week. I've had so much on my mind but no time to blog it. But THIS couldn't wait.

I am so excited to share we found out this morning that Nolan is going to have a baby BROTHER!

Last week was horrible, stressful and down right exhausting. I did my best to remain calm and keep my blood pressure where it belongs. I force fed myself every day no matter how weak my appetite was and got as much sleep as I could. This past week has been rough but this little bit of awesome news just made our day. We needed this. I promise, I have been taking care of this baby to the best of my ability. (16 weeks, 6 days)

The baby is still measuring ahead and as my Dr puts it, looks perfect so far. I am 17 weeks tomorrow and for the first time I felt a sigh of relief. A little glimmer of hope that this baby is going to be one big baby and arrive in December as planned. We can only hope, right? The little guy is measuring about 6 ounces and it's amazing to think that is almost half the size of Nolan. And in just 3-4 weeks, this baby will be measuring Nolan's size. Amazing.

My gem of a ultrasound tech spent a lot of time with us as usual and got a ton more pictures to add to our growing pile. I need a photo album for our bi-weekly ultrasounds, I'm running out of room on our fridge.We agreed I could be an u/s sonographer by the end of this pregnancy, I'm getting good at pointing stuff out. I honestly LOVE going to my Dr's office because everyone treats this baby with as much love as we already have for it. It just makes me smile.

So today I did something I told myself I wouldn't do this pregnancy. I bought something for the baby. I just couldn't help it. I had fallen in love with this diaper bag at the Coach Outlet just weeks after finding out we were pregnant. I lusted over it because it's my favorite blue and it's simple. I talked myself out of it because... well many reasons. Expensive for a freaking diaper bag, what if it's a girl, what if this baby starts measuring small... what if, what if, what if. We walked into Coach Outlet today and low and behold the bag that wasn't there just a few weeks after I saw it the first time, was hiding in the clearance section behind 3 other bags. I couldn't help myself, it's perfect even though it's more than I would want to spend.

Come on, I got a $400 diaper bag for.... freaking $100! I'm in love and I am so proud of myself for allowing myself to buy something... "baby"

Charles P. Mottram

Charles Patrick Mottram
Jan. 18th 1988- July 13th 2010

Visitation and Funeral/Mass Arrangements
....................................................

Visitation
Sunday, July 18th
5pm-9pm

Harvey-Engelhardt Chapel
1600 Colonial Blvd
Fort Myers, Fl 33907

Mass & Funeral & Burial will take place
Tuesday morning, July 20th
10am

BLESSED POPE JOHN XXIII CATHOLIC CHURCH
13060 Palomino Lane
Ft Myers, Fl 33912

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Edison State College in memory of Charles P. Mottram c/o Edison State Foundation, P.O Box 60210, Fort Myers, Fl 33906-6210

For reference...
Checks made payable to
Edison State College Foundation
Note "Charles P. Mottram Scholarship" on the check

If there was one thing Charlie was passionate about, it was the desire to learn, the quest for education and his love for respiratory therapy. We want a future student in the Respiratory Care program to be able to have that chance that Charlie was so passionate about for many years to come.

Numb

Last year, I remember in the following days after losing Nolan my Mom saying to me...

"I wish I knew what I could do as a Mother to help you, but this time I can't because I don't know what your going through."

It hurt her so bad that she didn't know how to fix this for me. She couldn't give me a kiss and throw a bandaid over it. This was something I had to figure out on my own.

Now here I am, 12 months later telling MY MOM I understand. I am the one trying to give her the bandaid. I want to protect her. All the things she is saying, all the things she is grieving are things I remember saying myself. I just kept repeating, I just want Nolan home. I probably wrote it a million times on this blog. And here my mom is saying the EXACT same thing.

How is this?

A Mother & Daughter both grieving the loss of a son. I am grieving the future and she is grieving the past. How?

JUST as our family, especially ME was starting to feel a sense of acceptance with my new normal, just as I was starting to feel 'happy' again, just as we got past June and felt like a one layer of grief was peeled off. God throws boulders of grief on us. We're drowning in this grief.

He was 22 freaking years old! He had SO MUCH he wanted to do just like ANY young guy. He wanted to be a travel therapist, he wanted to go back to school, he wanted to remodel that ugly old BMW. He was so passionate about his job, his car, his family. How can this all be taken from someone with SO much passion?

I don't get it. I'm mad, I'm heartbroken and I am trying my best to hold it together for this baby I am carrying. Today I woke up numb. It pretty much felt like it didn't happen. I started my day out feeling empty but not broken. I didn't cry, I could talk of Charlie with a smile and I almost felt guilty that I wasn't more emotional. Was this my protective instinct to keep me calm? Or was it just the shock?

It wasn't until tonight, when Chris and my Dad went to get my brothers belongings out of the car at the tow lot. My Dad walked in with his iPhone that had 20+ missed calls from Mom (after she thought she saw his car) and Charlie's stethoscope. My Dad noticed a small amount of blood on it and asked me to take care of it. So I started, it was nothing big and could even had been from a patient. It was on the metal part of the scope and that's what I chaulked it up to. I handed it to my Mom and she handed it back to me. She said if there was any person to have that stethoscope it was me.

I was the one who encouraged him to go into Respiratory, I'm the one he would secretly battle for grades. I remember him coming home bragging because he beat me out on a certain test. It was our secret game. He wouldn't want that scope to go to waste sitting in a box, for crying out loud he just paid $75 for it weeks ago. I was honored and it brought tears to my eyes. But it wasn't until she handed it back that I noticed I had missed all the blood on the black/rubber part of the stethoscope and that did me in. I stood there at the kitchen sink washing my dear brothers blood off from his brand new stethoscope. I broke down and ever since that moment, it's starting to feel more real.

Tonight we sat around as a big family going through family pictures and watching family videos with Charlie in them. It's so hard to grasp that the little blue eyed blond haired boy isn't here with us anymore. His smile is only in memories, but I can promise you he had the same exact smile at 2 years old as he did just days ago.

I miss him. I'm scared to feel what I need to feel because of this baby. I need to go through the motions but I know I need to be strong for more reasons than I can list. I am positive it won't really hit until I see him lifeless and I am terrified of it. I don't want this to feel real. I want to go to work and talk to patients that had my brother before transferring to my hospital and talk about how charming he was. Patients ALWAYS remembered him. I want to see him walk out the door for work as we make fun of his scrubs. I want to see him get all excited when Glen Beck comes on and says something that gets Charlie's mind running. I don't want to go to a funeral home tomorrow and arrange his wake. I don't want to have to find a black dress I can fit into right now. I don't want us to have to think what to dress Charlie in for the wake.. because these are all things we shouldn't be doing again.

It's just weird. Maggie, Molly and I sitting there realizing tonight, it's just us 3 left. Our only brother is gone too soon and it's just weird. Too real and makes you miss him 1,000,000 times more.

I'll leave you with a quote Charlie had on his Facebook.

"Follow your Passion, and Success will Follow You."

-A. Buddhhard

Charlie

I sit here with an incredible amount of sadness and shock. I am questioning how our family can endure so much so fast. How much can we be tested- haven't we been through enough this year? Our faith feels stretched today as I write that we lost my brother Charlie today to a horrific car accident that took place on his way to work.

My mom drove past the accident on her way home from work and immediately called me because she said the car looked so much like Charlie's. I called work wondering if there was a trauma brought in even though I was already on my way to work. I was hoping Mom was just over reacting and this would be nothing. Mom & Dad were in a panic because Charlie wasn't answering his phone and that was unlike him. I got to work, Chris was heading to the accident scene and my boss called the other hospital to see if Charlie had gotten to work yet. Then everything started coming together. It was him.

I knew before we 'knew' because too many things matched up.

Chris got on scene and found out our worst nightmare had come true. He then escorted the State Trooper to our home to see my parents.

Charlie was a young and energetic 22 year old who could charm ANYONE. He had a laugh that was contagious and charisma that people latched to. Not a day went by that he was making someone laugh by his political passion and bizarre arguments. I was so proud of him when he graduated from the same Respiratory program I did and got the same award I was given . He gave the class speech just as I did 3 years prior and and even included Nolan in it. It was just 1 week after we buried Nolan. But I was so proud of him that despite my pain I even pinned him at his graduation. It meant so much to me.

He was Nolan's Godfather and he was simply amazed by Nolan when he met him and visited him so many times in the NICU. Charlie was and always will be the best uncle. I just wish I got to see him with his future niece or nephew. He was that AWESOME with kids.

Our family is in complete and utter shock. The events that led up to this late afternoon are more than we can digest. Charlie had passion for life, plans for the future and had so much going forhim. He was just so damn brilliant. So why him?

Today I lost my only brother, the GodFather to my son and a best friend. And life as we know it was once again flipped upside down and this journey of grief that is all too known is back for a visit for our entire family and extended family and friends.

God Bless you Charlie. Your sisters and Mom & Dad adore you and miss you more than you will ever know. Take care of my Nolan up there, he has the best respiratory therapist a lil guy could ask for.

I love you Charlie, I don't think I told you that enough.