Thursday, July 23, 2009

An un-happy birthday

Well tomorrow is my birthday and there is only 1 thing I want for my birthday this year. We all know what that is, and it is impossible to make happen, so I just sit here in a "rut".To make it worse, Chris works tomorrow night. Last years birthday was crazy and fun and when I thought of this years birthday, I thought..."Wow this will be the first birthday we keep it low key, maybe a nice dinner" But that was 3 months ago when I thought that. That was when Nolan was still growing in my belly and we still thought he was healthy as can be. That was when I felt no anxiety & worry. It was before I knew Nolan was measuring small. It was the happiest time of my pregnancy. It was when I still had carefree excitement, before I recieved these "new shoes" I now wear.

In the past year, I turned 25, had my bridal shower, bachelorette party, went on a cruise, got married, got pregnant, celebrated my first Mother's Day, had a son, became a Mother and buried my son. All of the good things are still good, but the one bad thing over shadows it all. I hope the ripe age of 26 brings me a happy year, I need it. The age of 26 will bring me a lot of empty milestones without Nolan. I am not looking forward to these. I have a feeling this year will be an empty year.

Little did I know, my birthday would be spent without Nolan. I NEVER ever ever thought this would happen to us, but it did. "Never say never"
So my birthday wish for this year....
Well I can't tell you or it won't happen. Sorry.


ryansmom said...

My heart breaks for you. I felt the same way on my birthday. I don't know how I made it to work that day because I was crying my eyes out. Somehow I made it through and I know you will too. When you mentioned your new shoes it reminded me of a poem I posted on my blog. You can check it out under anniversary. Thinking of you today.
With Compassion,

Alison said...

Sorry your birthday is such an unhappy one. This year is turning out to be a crappy year isn't it? I hope the coming months and the next year end up being a whole lot better for you and me too! We deserve it!

Michele said...

Ashley, I cannot imagine your pain you're going through, but I am so inspired by your strength to get through all of these trials and tribulations that have been thrown in your path. I am a lot older than you and have gone through so much in my 41 years of life, but haven't been as strong as you. As with some others, I've only met you through the Knot, (I'm a DW knottie) and although I wasn't a part of the board while you were in your planning stages, I've followed your blog from the minute I discovered it. I think of you and your family often and know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Kerri said...
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