Monday, September 21, 2009

Dear Nolan

I'm as close as I can get to you baby, I am flying high in the sky thinking of you. Yup, they have Internet on the airplane and I keep looking out the window looking out at the sky wondering how close I am to Heaven. I miss you so much and have thought quite a bit about you this week.

I know you kept an eye on Grandpa this week, I am convinced that every little obstacle that turned to be a blessing was you looking out for him. I am so heartbroken that he never got to meet you. I was so excited that he was flying in that next morning to see you. I KNOW for a fact you would have made one big teddy bear cry.

I was hoping to write you a letter sooner, but you know how distracted I was with Grandpa. I sure wasn't expecting that to happen. I know I prayed for some distractions to get me through these next few months, but gosh darn son... not that!

I was able to take your aunts to college this week, that was eventful with in itself. It's insane to think that I am getting that old. It feels like just yesterday that your Dad and I were enjoying our college days. But now I am a graduated, married and a Mom. Your Aunts hung pictures of you all over their rooms and I am sure they won't stop talking about you. They absolutely adore you and miss you SO much!

Well Munchkin, I know you are giving me the strength to get through this month. If you were still here, I bet you would be home with your Mommy & Daddy. We would be loving on you like crazy and enjoying every minute we got with you. I just wish you were here, in my arms and making sweet faces at us. I love you with every ounce of my being Nolan. It's so weird to think that as of last week, you would have been officially born if my body never failed I hate that! I want nothing more than to have you back.

Next week will be hard, we are going to Las Vegas for Noelle's wedding. Sounds like fun, but you were suppose to be there with us. We had all intentions to bring you with us and have Aunt Trisha come be your Nanny. Obviously this was all before you were born too early. But I was so excited to bring you with us and have you meet all our friends. So I should be coming back early in Vegas and not going out, but I promise you I will enjoy myself.

I hope you and Kalli are enjoying Heaven. I look forward to the day I get to hold you once again. Please hold onto Kalli tight, her Mommy is one of my dearest friends. I really think you two brought us together knowing we NEEDED each other more than anything.

So as I look out on the sky, I am thinking of you and wondering what you are doing right now. And wondering what life would be like if you were still here. The days are getting easier with less tears, but the pain is still as sharp as it was 3 months ago. Keep an eye out for that perfect little baby brother or sister that you are going to send us hopefully. I will consider him/her hand picked from you. I love you Nolan and sweet dreams in Heaven.

Love,
Your Mommy

8 comments:

Rachel H. said...

Beautiful letter to your wonderful son! :)

Bree said...

What a beautiful letter. That is so sweet of your sisters to hang pictures of Nolan in their rooms.

Beth said...

<3

AKat said...

Beautiful. Still in my prayers. Hang in there!

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

What a touching letter.....your family is in my thoughts & prayers & try to keep your chin up!!

Kimberly said...

This beautiful letter gave me the chills. I think about you and Nolan daily. (((hugs)))

cmatsukes said...

Oh Ashley you make me cry that was beautiful I think you should put all these letters and print them and put together in a book I think it would sell. Well just think about it. I think about Nolan all the time. He was my first great nephew or niece so he will always be special to me I take Anut hood seriously. Love you Aunt Chris.

Bluebird said...

Beautiful. You paint beautiful images with your words.

I'll be thinking of you at the wedding. I had one myself to get through; I understand how hard it will be when he was supposed to be here, when you had the sitter all lined up. . . I'm sorry he's not here.