Friday, September 25, 2009


"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away." -Meredith

I think I want to revisit this. It's been 3.5 months since loosing my Nolan and I am learning my new normal. I have bad days & I have 'good' days. Yes, it is still VERY hard to see pregnant women, newborns and ect. But come on, give me a break.. most the time when I see one it puts me back in a place that I should have been or should be.This should not be held against me.

Grieving & mourning Nolan is a lifelong process. Yup, people went a long on the journey with me when it happened, but shortly after life went back to normal for them. In the meantime Chris & I struggle everyday with questions on why this happened. Why aren't we rocking Nolan to sleep right now. Why don't we have a car seat in the backseat? Why is Nolan's nursery a damn memory room? Why are we making solar nightlights for our son's grave?! WHY!?

You think this is easy? You are mad because you feel 'censored' around me, we then go shove it! How do you think I feel living everyday without my son? Imagine your perfect baby being taken away from you... actually don't do that because I still don't want anyone to feel this pain. How do you think I feel having to censor myself from certain situations? Walk ONE day in my shoes and you will have a different perspective, TRUST ME.

This is one of the huge reasons I have come so close to Amy, because she understands. She understands that our bad days are just days when the pain is dull. When you are grieving sometimes you shut people out, become anti social or just plain different. People that are true friends are the ones that recognize this and stay your friend with out making you feel guilty or holding it against you. And when you are ready they are there for you when you when walk back. Does that make sense?
Some people who have not been through anything tragic in their lives expect people dealing with grief to act like they are in a Lifetime movie. Real life isn't like that. When you are in your darkest hours, you will push people away. The people who 'cut you slack' and are there when you are ready to reconnect are the ones who will always be there.

I want EVERY single person to know that I am forever THANKFUL that I have you in my life. I am thankful for all of my friends that supported me with the up most amounts of support a girl could ask for. From the kindness of your hearts you reached out at a time I wasn't sure I could get through. I have said it a millions times over and over again how much Chris and I are sincerely thankful for. I wish I had the strength to sit down and write every.single.person a personal handwritten TY card. I have the cards even since 2 weeks after Nolan passed and they are red/blue/white. Perfect colors, but this task as proven to be one of the most
insurmountable tasks for me. I have made it through one. ONE. And I hope one day, I can sit down and write to each and every person that held their hand out to us in June. Until then, I am searching for that strength. I should be writing Thank You's to baby shower gifts, not 'baby dying' support cards.

YES, I am still grieving. I am mourning my son who should have been home by now. I hope you can understand that time has not healed yet and it will be a LONG time until it does. So please, bear with me or try to understand that I am still in the process of mourning my son. Good days or not, it's on my mind every single hour, minute and second. Try living with that. Can you tell I am in a rough spot once again?

"According to Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."
-Greys Antomy


Bree said...

Amen, sister. Everything you say makes perfect sense.

Bluebird said...

Yes. Just yes.

cmatsukes said...

Yes Yes said well I know I have had alot of grieve and passing loved ones so that part I understand. Well Said and like I said you need not provide an explantion at all to anyone. And yes remember all of us that stood by you and still today do.

Lea said...

This all makes perfect, perfect sense to me. You are still so early on in your journey.... it's all so difficult. I am so sorry about your sweet Nolan. He is gorgeous.

I love those quotes from Grey's....

jamie said...

To echo the others - very well said. For me I am surprised it is the end of September. I am still stuck in the end of April when my world crashed down.

I have lost many people who expected me to "get better". The close ones had a break through when I said I was sorry for not keeping up with their lives lately - I still was living in April The good ones then realized this is a LONG road for us.

I'm glad you have a close friend who understands (though obviously it sucks she knows the pain too) - so sounds wonderful.

Natalie said...

I've always thought that time never really heals a hurt, it just makes it easier to bear. A day will come when it hurts just a little less and even though the memories of Nolan will always bring pain eventually they'll bring more happiness for the time he was here and the love he inspired. With time it will be easier to focus on the happiness and less on the pain. I wish you the best of luck in your journey through this. I know you're a strong woman who will emerge from this even stronger, even though it may not feel like it right now.