I know I am holding Trisha's hand through some of these first few weeks because I remember that stabbing pain that haunts you every day when you wake up, every minute you live and your mode is to survive to the next minute. I am not sure if one could call it "strength" because when your living the moment, it feels more like survival. If they saw the insides of me when we lost Nolan they would see how broken I was, how fragile my emotions were and strength had nothing to do with it. It was a daily battle to chose to live. Yes, I will be the first to admit that those thoughts run through your mind of what would be easier. But in the long run, I knew that was not the answer, but sometime in those weak moments, it felt like it.
I remember sitting in my bed and living the nightmare over and over and over again, thinking to myself "did this really happen" Did we really lose our son? And every single time... that pain came stabbing just as sharp as it did those first few minutes.
The triggers were the worst and you couldn't hide from them. It was no ones fault necessarily, it's just how the brain and a broken mothers heart copes. I couldn't stand Facebook status' about babies or pregnancies, my friends faults, NO. But at the time, it felt like a dagger. Going to the store and seeing the soon to pop Mom waddling through Publix grocery whining about how uncomfortable she is would get me fuming. The unexpected diaper samples that would show up in your mail uninvited, those were a bitch. And thank you bump.com for sending my email "Your baby is 1 month old today... Your baby is 3 months old today..." NO, NO, NO! No he isn't and I have tried canceling your stupid subscription and no matter what your stupid email finds my way into my innocent inbox and rips my heart apart all over again. These baby websites need a reject button, one that is "no questions asked just take me off the list" kind of deal.
I remember the words of wisdom we received from others and their justifications on why we lost Nolan. In all honesty, I don't care that he is Gods best angel or he was too precious for this earth because at the time, I didn't care to hear those things. No- I did not want to hear how sick he could have been and how much of a better life he has in heaven because quite frankly, I would have taken Nolan how ever he was, he was my son and I loved him. Plus I had read so many success stories on IUGR & micro preemies, so I knew there was hope! Yes, I know he is pain free and loving heaven, BUT in those first few months even year after we lost him, those words hurt more than they comforted.
You want to know what I remember helping the most? Talking about my Nolan, asking questions about his life, getting things with his name on them, acknowledging he was alive and he happened and he was our child. And we know it's awkward when you run into us, but a hug and "there's no words" go a lot further than some of the "words of wisdom" some people try to give. I didn't want the Hallmark saying, just a simple "I love you and there are no words"
I guess this blog is just a tangent of things that I remember going through after losing Nolan. If it was up to me, I would have locked myself in my bedroom and slept for the next year. But I had to wake up, get out of bed and make a day for myself. I chose to live for Nolan, I chose to do things he never go to. We went out on new trips, new adventures and found new hobbies. We always did it in Nolan's memory. That and the faith that we would have a family one day is what got me to December 5th, 2010.
After we lost Nolan, I felt like our life was over. I craved a family on earth and jealousy tore me apart and stomped all over me. I wanted what my friends had, I wanted what the girl at Applebees had, I wanted the stroller and baby that the family at the mall had, I wanted to have the clothes picked out at Kohl's like that Mom is carrying. I wanted so badly what we were so excited for. In all honesty, after Nolan, I convinced myself it would never happen for us and I fell into a deep depression, lost many of friends who I thought were close friends and ended up meeting new friends who came into my life and saved me. I started reading stories of hope and focused on my faith that one day...Nolan would have a little brother or sister.
I'm not sure why I was chosen to walk this journey, nor why anyone else is. But I am glad I chose to share it because if it helps just one person out there, just one person walk the dark path into new light. Then I accomplished more than I ever set out to do.