Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Grief revisited

It been real hard to blog lately given the recent events in our lives. I have had a lot to share but grief of my nephew holds too much. The loss of Brice has brought many old feelings and rehashed old triggers, ones that I knew were bound to pop back up at any expected time, just not like this.

I know I am holding Trisha's hand through some of these first few weeks because I remember that stabbing pain that haunts you every day when you wake up, every minute you live and your mode is to survive to the next minute. I am not sure if one could call it "strength" because when your living the moment, it feels more like survival. If they saw the insides of me when we lost Nolan they would see how broken I was, how fragile my emotions were and strength had nothing to do with it. It was a daily battle to chose to live. Yes, I will be the first to admit that those thoughts run through your mind of what would be easier. But in the long run, I knew that was not the answer, but sometime in those weak moments, it felt like it.

I remember sitting in my bed and living the nightmare over and over and over again, thinking to myself "did this really happen" Did we really lose our son? And every single time... that pain came stabbing just as sharp as it did those first few minutes.

The triggers were the worst and you couldn't hide from them. It was no ones fault necessarily, it's just how the brain and a broken mothers heart copes. I couldn't stand Facebook status' about babies or pregnancies, my friends faults, NO. But at the time, it felt like a dagger. Going to the store and seeing the soon to pop Mom waddling through Publix grocery whining about how uncomfortable she is would get me fuming. The unexpected diaper samples that would show up in your mail uninvited, those were a bitch. And thank you bump.com for sending my email "Your baby is 1 month old today... Your baby is 3 months old today..." NO, NO, NO! No he isn't and I have tried canceling your stupid subscription and no matter what your stupid email finds my way into my innocent inbox and rips my heart apart all over again. These baby websites need a reject button, one that is "no questions asked just take me off the list" kind of deal.

I remember the words of wisdom we received from others and their justifications on why we lost Nolan. In all honesty, I don't care that he is Gods best angel or he was too precious for this earth because at the time, I didn't care to hear those things. No- I did not want to hear how sick he could have been and how much of a better life he has in heaven because quite frankly, I would have taken Nolan how ever he was, he was my son and I loved him. Plus I had read so many success stories on IUGR & micro preemies, so I knew there was hope! Yes, I know he is pain free and loving heaven, BUT in those first few months even year after we lost him, those words hurt more than they comforted.

You want to know what I remember helping the most? Talking about my Nolan, asking questions about his life, getting things with his name on them, acknowledging he was alive and he happened and he was our child. And we know it's awkward when you run into us, but a hug and "there's no words" go a lot further than some of the "words of wisdom" some people try to give. I didn't want the Hallmark saying, just a simple "I love you and there are no words"

I guess this blog is just a tangent of things that I remember going through after losing Nolan. If it was up to me, I would have locked myself in my bedroom and slept for the next year. But I had to wake up, get out of bed and make a day for myself. I chose to live for Nolan, I chose to do things he never go to. We went out on new trips, new adventures and found new hobbies. We always did it in Nolan's memory. That and the faith that we would have a family one day is what got me to December 5th, 2010.

After we lost Nolan, I felt like our life was over. I craved a family on earth and jealousy tore me apart and stomped all over me. I wanted what my friends had, I wanted what the girl at Applebees had, I wanted the stroller and baby that the family at the mall had, I wanted to have the clothes picked out at Kohl's like that Mom is carrying. I wanted so badly what we were so excited for. In all honesty, after Nolan, I convinced myself it would never happen for us and I fell into a deep depression, lost many of friends who I thought were close friends and ended up meeting new friends who came into my life and saved me. I started reading stories of hope and focused on my faith that one day...Nolan would have a little brother or sister.

I'm not sure why I was chosen to walk this journey, nor why anyone else is. But I am glad I chose to share it because if it helps just one person out there, just one person walk the dark path into new light. Then I accomplished more than I ever set out to do.



17 comments:

Abigail said...

Hugs to you & your entire family for both losses of Nolan & Brice. I don't have any words but I appreciate you sharing your story & as well as Brice's. It has helped me better understand and help other friends who have gone through what you have been through.

krousehouse said...

Oh I feel this post.

*Laura Angel said...

Great post :)

Whittney said...

Hello, I came across your blog a couple of months ago, and just want to tell you how comforting it is. I also want to tell you how sorry I am about your nephew. Our nephew also passed away, about 3 months after we lost our son. I really resonate with this post.

Anyhow, I just recently found out I am pregnant with our rainbow, so I just wanted to say thank you for blogging about your feelings and sharing your happiness. It really does help people!

Maribeth said...

You know, I asked myself the same question. Why I was chosen to walk this path. In the years that have passed since Katie's death, I have come across so many who have lost their children. They needed my help, my council and my love. That is why.

LauraJane said...

Such a beautiful post. I'm so glad you chose to share your experiences, good and bad. What a fantastic way to honour your son.

About Us said...

Definitely have helped us along our way!

Kalialani said...

Thank you for this post. I can relate 100% to this. (((HUGS)))

Betsy said...

Oh my gosh Ashley, I could have written every word of this post. You absolutely hit the nail on the head with everty single thing you wrote. Amazing post. I haven't had another close family member lose a baby yet (isn't it awful that I just assume it will happen now? ugh, this baby loss stuff changes your view on everything)... but I can only imagine how much it will rip open the wound. I am so sorry about your nephew. Please pass my prayers along to your family, I am so sorry that this happened again.

Jill said...

I couldn't have said it any better, it explains it all Ashley. And just reading it all, I had a pit in my stomach the whole time and got images of me just sreaming in pain, crying, and staying in my bed, day after day and waking up in tears.

I am so terribly sorry again for the loss of your sweet nephew Brice.

I always said, to others, I would rather a hug or "I am sorry" than the other crap they would say to "try and make me feel better" yet it came out worse.

<3 Nolan & Brice <3 oxo Ashley

rabrown74 said...

AMEN Ashely! Can relate in every way! Love, Rebecca

rabrown74 said...

AMEN Ashley, can relate in every way! Love, Rebecca Brown

Melissa said...

Great post, thank you.

Lori said...

You are such a special person, Ashley. Thank you for your heartfelt words and for being Trisha and Connel's sister-in-law. You have helped them tremendously and I am so grateful they had you and Chris to turn to to help them through their loss. Brice was such a beautiful baby. He will be in my heart forever!

Lisette said...

Such a beautiful post. Your family has endured so much, I am so sorry. Praying for you guys all the time ((HUGS))

Christine's Ramblings said...

I feel this post too.......I remember those diapers coming-just about crushed me! and the 'your baby is now one month' etc.......anyway I relate 1000 percent.

bhavna said...

Bathing is an enjoyable time between you and your baby. Your new born baby during the first six weeks does not necessarily need a full bath every day. A soft wash cloth or cotton wool and some warm water will do to clean him up.Baby bathing is fun