Sunday, July 19, 2009


I wish someone could just reassure me that next time, we won't have to face this and we will be bringing a baby home. But there are no promises in life and I have to come to grips with that. I have to rely on my faith. It drives me insane not having Nolan still here. It hurts knowing my journey with him is no longer a journey. It's now a story, a story of Nolan.

I miss him. I sat at his stone/grave today for a long time talking to him and playing his favorite songs on my
iPhone. I wish I could be driving to Healthpark to go see him right now instead. It just seems so unfair that we are going through this. We should be where all other happy soon to be Mom & Dads are. We should be packing hospital bags and finishing up last details. Instead we are grieving our son who came 14 weeks too early.

I am just so scared we will be faced with this again. I know a lot of friends say "you will have a baby one day" but that doesn't fix what we are going through because that is no
guarantee. I want my baby back, no other baby will ever fix not having Nolan.

So I just have to keep telling myself..."Our time will come, and when it does...we will be the best gosh darn parents ever!"

I have to keep faith that our time will come. In the meantime, I will take each day one day at a time. Even
sometimes, that seems too much and I just take it minute by minute. Our life has taken a huge reality check, not everything goes as planned. This can only make us stronger and prepare us to be the best parents in the future.

I have faith that one day, we will be bringing a baby home to their nursery. I have faith my body won't give up because we will know the signs to look for. I have faith that Nolan will look down on us and bless us with the most perfect little brother or sister. I have faith we will be one of the parents at church getting their newborns baptized on Sundays. I have faith. Faith will get me through this.


cmatsukes said...

Keep the faith Ashley is will come true. At least next time you will be watched so closely that it will be a great pregency We can all only have faith I know it is scary and you should be fearful but the only way to conquer your fears is to face them and go forward. I keep you in my prayers and thoughts everyday. Keep your faith and your head held high you will be parents again soon. It will come.

Debbie said...


(I saw your bloglink on the PE forums)

Faith is what will get you through. We are 2.5 years on the "other" side of this now-- our babe was lost on her due date because of untreated PIH and placental insufficiency.

I can't promise that the pain ever goes away, but it gets easier to handle. You will have your rainbow baby one day, until then-- I hope you have peaceful days.

Alison said...

I am right there with you. Scared about another pregnancy, but also have faith that this hopefully won't happen again. It was so rare what did happen to Moira, what are the chances of it happening again? I will be watched much more closely and the doctor's won't let me go past 38 weeks either! Like Debbie, our baby's brain damage occurred more than likely from PIH as well as my small placenta. She was a big baby, but my placenta was small. I am working now with my doctor to get my BP under control for our next pregnancy. Moira has only been gone a little over two months, sometimes the pain is so overwhelming and other days I feel ok but also mad because I am not in pain. Sigh....

Christina said...

Ashley, I was catching up on your blog and just wanted to know I'm thinking of you and Chris. My cousin & his wife lost a little girl to a heart defect a few weeks after she was born and when I tell people about my cousin and his kids, I make a point to say that him and his wife have three children but their daughter is no longer with us due to heart problems. She passed away in May 2001 yet 8 years later it's still important to me that I make sure to mention her. So people aren't going to forget that Nolan was your & Chris's first child.
My mom is a nurse and I know there's times when things in her life come back to her when she's treating a patient. She has gotten to the point after almost 20 years in nursing that she can push through it but tries to take a break off of the floor to regroup after dealing with the situation. When my grandfather (my dad's dad) was in the hospital and on her floor he coded one night and she said that after that it was hard for her to work the code team because she kept thinking of him. He was no longer technically family to her (my parents are divorced) but she said she didn't want to have to see him like that if she didn't have to. Working in health care can desensitize you to certain issues but every nurse I know has a story about a patient (at least one) that touched them before they passed away. Keep your faith. You'll be telling a little one about their big brother Nolan in heaven before you know it. For good or bad, time flies. Sending tons of hugs.