I wish someone could just reassure me that next time, we won't have to face this and we will be bringing a baby home. But there are no promises in life and I have to come to grips with that. I have to rely on my faith. It drives me insane not having Nolan still here. It hurts knowing my journey with him is no longer a journey. It's now a story, a story of Nolan.
I miss him. I sat at his stone/grave today for a long time talking to him and playing his favorite songs on my iPhone. I wish I could be driving to Healthpark to go see him right now instead. It just seems so unfair that we are going through this. We should be where all other happy soon to be Mom & Dads are. We should be packing hospital bags and finishing up last details. Instead we are grieving our son who came 14 weeks too early.
I am just so scared we will be faced with this again. I know a lot of friends say "you will have a baby one day" but that doesn't fix what we are going through because that is no guarantee. I want my baby back, no other baby will ever fix not having Nolan.
So I just have to keep telling myself..."Our time will come, and when it does...we will be the best gosh darn parents ever!"
I have to keep faith that our time will come. In the meantime, I will take each day one day at a time. Even sometimes, that seems too much and I just take it minute by minute. Our life has taken a huge reality check, not everything goes as planned. This can only make us stronger and prepare us to be the best parents in the future.
I have faith that one day, we will be bringing a baby home to their nursery. I have faith my body won't give up because we will know the signs to look for. I have faith that Nolan will look down on us and bless us with the most perfect little brother or sister. I have faith we will be one of the parents at church getting their newborns baptized on Sundays. I have faith. Faith will get me through this.