Monday, August 17, 2009


Can I just sleep through the next month until I am past my due date? I think I would feel better. Even though I know in the back of my head that Nolan probably never would have made it to his due date, it's still something that bothers me. It's also an official point where I can say I would no longer be pregnant. I never got to experience that excited feeling of his arrival. His arrival was filled with worry, anxiety and many many tears. I was told he wouldn't survive his c-section from the high risk Dr, so how do you think I felt being rolled into the OR that morning?

I kept hope that he would be okay & Dr Fish (the good optimistic OB) reminded me that he was a developed 26 weeker, even though his size was soooo much smaller. That helped ease the anxiety. When he squeaked that morning in the OR, it was the best thing I have ever heard. But it's also the only thing I heard. I never heard a cry from him at all in those 3 days because he had the ET tube in. I knew that going into it, but it doesn't mean I didn't long to hear it, and still do.

So with that, it was so hard to return to my hospital room and hear all the newborns crying next door. I wanted so badly to be that Mom that got to sooth her baby and hold him. I wanted that feeling of excitement when friends/family came to visit where they all take turns holding him and taking pictures. I never got any of that. I never got to pick out a going home outfit or have the car seat lady come talk to us. And most of all, I never carried my son in a wheel chair out to the car to go home. Go home to his perfect nautical nursery.
I never got ANY of it and now I am mourning it so hard.

Instead, I had to be picky and choosy on who got to visit Nolan because of the strict rules. And who ever got to meet him, had to wash their hands for 4 minutes. Then they never got to touch him, just stare at him through glass. That's all I know of Nolan. The only time I truly held my son was when they were compressing his chest doing CPR and after he was no longer living. The first time I held my baby close to my chest was when he was cold and no longer had a heart beat. It's the worst feeling in the world. I long for that feeling that you get to feel when they first hand you your baby right after you gave birth. I feel like our story is so backwards.
It's so real as close friends are going through it right now and I want it so badly, so so so badly. I would give my 2 legs to feel it. I want my Nolan back here. I want to feel those feelings again. I know I sound so selfish for these feelings but I can't help it. I am
jealous. There, I said it. It is probably the worst feeling I have felt besides the emptiness. I tried addressing this in counseling because I knew this week would be coming, but I was told it's something that is too big to tackle this soon in a grieving process. Well, here it is..staring me right in the face and it's hitting hard. I want to show my happiness for others, but I am overwhelmed in emptiness to actually feel or show it.

I have never ever been a negative person. I have always been a happy go lucky type of girl. I never really let things bother me, but for this one is eating at me and I am not happy about it. These feelings suck! I hate feeling like this. I sound like a grumpy, upset, bitter person and that's not me.

I just wish I could have what all the mothers get to have. A healthy baby that comes home. A baby they get to nurture and take care of. All I get to take care of is my baby's grave site. I know I am considered a mother, Nolan's mom, but it's hard feeling like one. I just wish I was having a healthy/happy story to tell. Instead, I am living my own personal hell that I feel guilty of.

Edit: So as if tonight couldn't feel any worse... I wrote this blog at Val's in home and check the mail. I open up what I thought was junk mail and it was Nolan's death certificate.... Thank you for the reminder.


Bree said...

Your post has me sobbing. I've been there. I am there. The memories of what happened during Ella's birth and my time in the hospital haunt me day and night. It was all so wrong. It didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. I know that it feels like everyone around you is pregnant, everyone else gets to bring home their babies... And, we are enduring this Hell. I'm walking right there with you. The time nearing Ella's due date was not easy for me. I tried to keep busy that week by doing little projects. I had been knitting hats to donate to the NICU, so I dropped those off at the hospital, I worked on my butterflies, ECT... Those little things helped. And, while I found the actual day bearable, the days following her due date were very difficult because I realized that I was now in the time where I should have been at home with a healthy, living baby. I hope you have some peace this week. I just read that you went back to work. That's not easy. Be gentle on yourself. Know that I'm thinking of you.

Rachel H. said...

This touches my heart, and it makes me so sad! I'm thinking of you and praying that each day is better than the last and you can get through the day and go on and know that God has a greater plan for you and your life and that one day you'll have the opportunity to have that precious baby in your arms and hear his cries. I can't relate, but I do know that this must be the hardest thing that any mother has to go through, and I'm in constant prayer for your comfort and trust in God that you can get through this.

Amy J said...

Ashley - one day - one very bright day - you and your little amazing Nolan will be reunited in the most loving, beautiful light. Jesus will bring him to you! And he will know you. Until then know that Nolan WILL SPEND the time with you you so desire. It WILL happen. That is for certain.
Until then, I pray you find strength to press on in your amazing life. God has given you the biggest heart full of love and feeling and giving. These are the same gifts that produced Nolan. Nolan is ok - he is waiting for you. Life is short compared to eternity. Hang on girl - soon, very soon. And who knows - Nolan will get to meet all of his siblings as well. God has a plan for you and for Nolan and it is good. Always praying for you hon......