These make me smile!

Another great video made by Valorie. It's our 1st day of our wedding cruise, the trip to Ft Lauderdale to Port Everglades and our sail away party as the Ruby Princess is leaving port. I love it! (Sorry they are blurry..not sure why they are)



One more.... later that night (last night as a bachelorette & bachelor)

Waterfall Tears

When it hits, it comes like a waterfall.

Well, I haven't had this deep of a cry for awhile now, so I guess it was warranted. And as I write this, yes the tears are still falling so hopefully this makes sense. Today was a reality check on my new life. I went to a meeting for my second job today, my teaching job. First off, it was VERY awkward because no one really talked to me at all. That hurts more than saying the wrong thing. I would rather be asked how I am doing, or nice to see you, or miss you. I got it from 2, but I was like the black sheep in the room to all the others. So I guess this was a trial run for I am going to endure when stepping back into the hospital this weekend when going back to work for the first time.

I have more anxiety of people not talking to me or not having a chance to talk about the baby I DID have. I look forward to the conversations about Nolan and his story with co-workers, but I will say it's easier to get in that conversation when they already know that Nolan is in Heaven.

I am not looking forward to the... How's the baby, wow you look great, where have you been questions from those who don't know. The last time they saw me I had an obvious pregnant bump, so me walking in bumpless they are going to wonder, plus I have been gone 3 months. How do I tell them my baby died and went to heaven?...I'm sure 75% of people know at work, but it's the ones that don't.... ahhhh

Back to the meeting, 4 months ago I had all intentions of teaching my students throughout my maternity leave from the hospital. I looked forward to it because I figured it would be a nice day a week to get out of the house and do what I love, teach respiratory students in the clinical setting. Plus, I would be visiting my hospital and would see my co-workers while there so I would be able to talk all about my new baby and show off pictures, I couldn't wait!

But with the new circumstances, I have been debating on taking a semester off. I just felt as if I can't give the students my 100%. Especially with this being such an important semester for their development. Plus, clinicals start at the same time I go back to work AND it's during my 2 hardest months to get through to begin with... I made the decision while at the meeting to take the semester off. I was still undecided up until they asked me this last time. This sucks, my life is so different now. In the mean time, everyone elses lives keep going and great and wonderful things are happening and I am sitting here trying to comprehend why mine took such a tragic turn.

This wasn't suppose to happen. I feel like people think I am suppose to be healed and be "happy" only 2 months after loosing my son. I had a baby, he was the most perfect little boy, small, but perfect. He cried when he came out, he took his own breaths and his little heart was beating. He made it to the NICU and gave a hard fight for 3 days. He defeated all odds and gave us hope that I would be walking out of the hospital with my son. But instead the funeral home left the hospital with my son. I lost my baby! It's just not right. I was the Mom in the wheelchair in the drive around with flowers, a shrinking belly, but NO infant carrier. Let me tell you, it's the worst feeling ever!

So in summary, I wasn't ready for today's awkwardness. I just wasn't prepared for it. I got a reality check when I had to make the very hard decision to take a semester off. I know it's for the good, BUT it reminds me that my life is so different now. I SHOULD be 36 weeks pregnant and finishing up last minute things for his arrival. I even bet we would still be fighting over names. Now I am struggling with emotions I never thought I would face. I am rearranging my normal life for a "new normal" and it's NO FUN.

I miss my Nolan and I think this month is going to be my hardest month. It's just getting too real. I just want to be the one sharing happy news.

Wish us luck

I entered our story into a Princess Cruise Romance contest. They did this last year and so I figured it wouldn't hurt to try. Princess Cruises really has been a HUGE part of our life and milestones we have gone through.

Our first vacation with our families
Grand Princess
Our engagement cruise
Caribbean Princess
Our wedding/honeymoon/RUBY BABY
Ruby Princess

So I entered "our story" and if we win, we get a free cruise. I'm crossing my fingers that this could be the PERFECT sign from Nolan :)

Cross your fingers!
Here's the link... to my entry
http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1039552

On another note, today is August 11th.
2 months ago today was the beginning of the rest of our lives. I still can't believe he's been gone 2 months, I miss him so much I can't even put it into words. I am slowly learning my new normal and it's been a journey so far. I can't help but wonder what life would be like for us right now if he was still here with us. How much would he weigh now? Would he be in an open NICU crib yet? Would he recognize us? Ahhhh, I wish we could have experienced these things.

Quite honestly, I am still in shock. with MANY friends having their babies right now, it puts it into perspective how real this really is. They say this will be the WORST thing we will ever go through, and I hope they are right. I NEVER expected this to happen, nor feel the feelings I am feeling to be so real. You can't even begin to imagine what this is like unless you have gone through this yourself.

I work in a hospital and have seen kids come and go, sad cases and some good. The sad ones suck, and you always get a little emotional over it, but I never really let it affect me. Probably because,
#1 I wasn't yet a parent myself
#2 Never experienced this level of a loss

Now it's a whole new ball game, new emotions, new compassion and I hope Nolan is there right with me giving me my new strength.

I love you little guy and I miss you so much. I just want you back her in my arms. I hate having a broken heart and an empty crib. Butterfly kisses to you up there in Heaven.

Picture worth a thousand words...

Well I got a picture of that darn yellow butterfly! He's a fast sucker! We had just gotten back from a 14 mile bike ride that we take to go see Nolan at the church. It's 14 miles round trip, but the halfway mark is bittersweet, my baby's resting spot. So anyways, those 14 miles give you A LOT of time to think, and today was one of those rides where all my thoughts were about Nolan. Every little thing, I replayed the morning he was born in my head all the way to the day we buried him. SO, what greeted us when we pulled into the driveway? You bettcha!

The best part, the butterfly was flying with a dragonfly. My new friend who has gone through a NICU loss 2 years ago said her sign that Eli gives her is dragonflies. So I just figure that Nolan and Eli are playing up there in heaven.


Here's a picture of that paper yellow butterfly that my cousin sent me 2 weeks ago. It was sent from her Moms kindergarten class that prayed for Nolan since May. I thought it was super sweet and VERY ironic now that these yellow butterflies keep visiting. I didn't even put the 2 together until days after.
Anyways, 2 months ago today was my last full day of Nolan. I remember nagging my mom to hurry up and get to the hospital that morning because I wanted to take a shower and I needed her to blow dry my hair since I couldn't bend over with my c-section. So she arrived, I was FINALLY able to shower and get all dressed up and visit my baby. I wish I stayed up there in the NICU all day. That night was the night a lot of our friends came up to the hospital to hang out with us. A few of them even got to meet our little man that night. I was talking to Chris's good friend Kyle the other night, and he said this...

"I have never ever seen you more happy than you were that night I came to visit you guys and you came down from the NICU with the biggest smile, because you got to change his diaper. In the 7 years I have known you and Chris, I have never seen the 2 of you more happy that night ever"

And it's the truth, I had all my friends there with us and I got to come down and say... I FINALLY FEEL LIKE A MOM. And I went back to my hospital room and spit this blog out...
http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/2009/06/becoming-mom.html

Little did I know, hours later would change the rest of our lives forever.

Reality

I guess its just one of those days. I wake up and I feel "okay" but moments later, reality hits and I realize the nightmare is still very real. It gets more and more real with friends babies coming any day now, thankfully healthy. But it makes me miss Nolan so much. I wish so much that things could be different for us, I can't help but think it's not fair.

2 months ago today, I was being admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Little did I know that Nolan would have to come that very next morning. I forgot this picture was even taken until going through my pictures last night. This was taken that very day in triage, I didn't even know I was being admitted yet at that point. I look awful and my face was huge...thanks to the preeclampsia. I just thought it was pregnant chunky face. Little did I know.I miss that exciting feeling. I miss Nolan kicking my bladder so hard it would make me jump. I just miss my pregnancy and everything that comes with it. The excitement, hope and love you feel when your pregnant.

So no more than 12 hours after that last picture was taken, I was being prepped for the OR to have a C-section. It goes to show you that things can change in a second and you can't take things for granted. I never saw this outcome coming. I knew he was small and my amniotic fluid was low but I was determined to get him to at least 32 weeks so he had more of a fighting chance. But then this happened. Wow. I really thought I was in the clear after my 1st trimester and little did I know of the night mare that was waiting ahead for me.

My life is SO different now. Things that I thought were coming this fall are now absent. I was looking forward to bringing him to Vegas for my best friends wedding. I couldn't wait for our first FSU football party and dressing him up in a jersey onsie. I was looking forward to dressing him up for Halloween. And I was really looking forward to his first cruise we wanted to go on when he was 6 months. But now instead of all that, we are going to Vegas babyless, probably working Halloween night and instead of going on a first family cruise, we are going on a cruise in his memory. This just sucks.

I just wish Nolan was still here. I wish I could be spending my lonely Friday night hanging out in the NICU instead of sitting here playing FarmTown and drowning in my sorrows. I was going to go visit Nolan, but of course...it's raining again (gotta love Florida weather) But Chris and I have plans on taking a bike ride to see Nolan tomorrow so hopefully I don't give up at the halfway point. I am determined to make it- it's his 2 month birthday!

I still struggle with the feelings of not feeling like a Mom, but then it hit me. I have realized what type of Mom I am when talking to another Mama who lost her baby just 3 weeks ago...we don't talk about diapers, teething and milestones. We talk about our few memories, flowers for graves and signs from our little ones such as downpours, rainbows & butterflies. I miss you Nolan but I know your holding hands & playing with Kalli up there in Heaven. Miss you lil guy!

And an update on that yellow butterfly: Here was my Facebook status, it explains it.

"So after an in depth convo with a new friend about our angels, I leave to go to the store and what follows me to the car???... a yellow butterfly. And what greets me as I open the car door when I got back to the house...that same yellow butterfly. Bizzare"

Yellow Butterflies

They are my new favorite thing. In the past week we have had a few run ins with a yellow butterfly. It has happened to both Trisha, Elaine and Chris & me. This yellow butterfly follows you around and it's happened at our house, the memorial garden and my Mother in Laws house. I think it's a bittersweet sign from Nolan. I never saw yellow butterflies in Florida before Nolan.

So then I was thinking... I got a nice card from AJ(cousin) 2 weeks ago and she included a cutout construction paper butterfly with Nolan's name on it that was used in her Mom's kindergarten class. Her kindergarten class was praying for Nolan in their butterfly garden when we first found out he was sick. I thought it was super sweet and very moving that strangers in Canada were praying for our unborn baby. So anyways, since Nolan going to Heaven, her Mom sent her the butterfly cutout to send to me and..... this butterfly just happens to be YELLOW.

Gosh I miss you Nolan. I was never a huge fan of butterflies before, but this all has a new meaning now.

Talking

Talking helps me. I LOVE to talk about Nolan and his story. I find myself talking to complete strangers about it even. But the people that really make me feel like they care, are the ones who are curious about his story and not afraid to ask or talk about him. As sad as our story may seem, I do have a son as a result of all this. He may not be in my arms or here on this earth, but he is MY SON. I do have stories I don't mind sharing or have I have answers to questions I don't mind answering. He may only have lived 3 days, but he lived in my heart for 6 months before he was ever born and from now on WILL always be in my heart.

The worst feeling is feeling like someone has turned the other way and decided to not say anything at all in fear of saying the wrong thing. There are not many wrong things you can say, unless your going to tell me how to grieve my son. I understand it's awkward to be the other person, but in all reality...I look forward to the conversations I get to talk about my son. I love him, I am proud of him and I will never forget his fight.

Aug 16th

Well that's the day I go back to work. I went for a visit last night and it was really nice seeing everyone. Am I excited to go back? Yes and No, it can't be any worse than what I have already been through, so I guess I'll just hope it goes well. I need the distraction to get me through these coming months, but gosh darn it, why does my job have to be so closely related to Nolan?

On another note. I'm just real sad today. I'm finding friends being upset with me because they feel like I am not happy for their coming baby. Really, seriously? I am so so so so happy my friends are having babies and healthy ones at that. I pray no one ever has to go through what we went through, it's a nightmare. Is it hard to show the excitement right now? Yes, of course, I JUST lost my baby and his emptiness consumes my thoughts. Is it hard to see girls complain about their pregnancy right now? Yup, sure is...because I want to shake them and say I would take ALL their pain times 10 just to have Nolan here and healthy. Is this to make them feel guilty, no not at all. I know that IF I was still pregnant I would have the same complaints and not think twice about them. But now being on the other side of things gives me a whole new perspective on things. It doesn't mean I don't think a pregnant women should NOT complain, heck pregnancy is uncomfortable. I'm just stuck in a really bad place. Close friends having babies that I wish mine was still here, it's hard and I think only a mother in my place could understand.

I'm now a Mom, but a Mom that really can't be in the same spot as other Moms. I can't talk like I have a child or share stories, because I only have 3 days of my son laying in an isolette. He never had "milestones" so to say. But there is ONE thing he did do, he fought. He fought one hard fight. It's just like I can't be a part of the club they all get to be a part of...motherhood. Being excluded from it, justifies my fear of not feeling nor being recognized as a Mom.

I just want my Nolan back. I want to be visiting him and encourage him. Why can't I be doing this!?

Not Like You
by Sheri Hess

I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.