Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Waterfall Tears

When it hits, it comes like a waterfall.

Well, I haven't had this deep of a cry for awhile now, so I guess it was warranted. And as I write this, yes the tears are still falling so hopefully this makes sense. Today was a reality check on my new life. I went to a meeting for my second job today, my teaching job. First off, it was VERY awkward because no one really talked to me at all. That hurts more than saying the wrong thing. I would rather be asked how I am doing, or nice to see you, or miss you. I got it from 2, but I was like the black sheep in the room to all the others. So I guess this was a trial run for I am going to endure when stepping back into the hospital this weekend when going back to work for the first time.

I have more anxiety of people not talking to me or not having a chance to talk about the baby I DID have. I look forward to the conversations about Nolan and his story with co-workers, but I will say it's easier to get in that conversation when they already know that Nolan is in Heaven.

I am not looking forward to the... How's the baby, wow you look great, where have you been questions from those who don't know. The last time they saw me I had an obvious pregnant bump, so me walking in bumpless they are going to wonder, plus I have been gone 3 months. How do I tell them my baby died and went to heaven?...I'm sure 75% of people know at work, but it's the ones that don't.... ahhhh

Back to the meeting, 4 months ago I had all intentions of teaching my students throughout my maternity leave from the hospital. I looked forward to it because I figured it would be a nice day a week to get out of the house and do what I love, teach respiratory students in the clinical setting. Plus, I would be visiting my hospital and would see my co-workers while there so I would be able to talk all about my new baby and show off pictures, I couldn't wait!

But with the new circumstances, I have been debating on taking a semester off. I just felt as if I can't give the students my 100%. Especially with this being such an important semester for their development. Plus, clinicals start at the same time I go back to work AND it's during my 2 hardest months to get through to begin with... I made the decision while at the meeting to take the semester off. I was still undecided up until they asked me this last time. This sucks, my life is so different now. In the mean time, everyone elses lives keep going and great and wonderful things are happening and I am sitting here trying to comprehend why mine took such a tragic turn.

This wasn't suppose to happen. I feel like people think I am suppose to be healed and be "happy" only 2 months after loosing my son. I had a baby, he was the most perfect little boy, small, but perfect. He cried when he came out, he took his own breaths and his little heart was beating. He made it to the NICU and gave a hard fight for 3 days. He defeated all odds and gave us hope that I would be walking out of the hospital with my son. But instead the funeral home left the hospital with my son. I lost my baby! It's just not right. I was the Mom in the wheelchair in the drive around with flowers, a shrinking belly, but NO infant carrier. Let me tell you, it's the worst feeling ever!

So in summary, I wasn't ready for today's awkwardness. I just wasn't prepared for it. I got a reality check when I had to make the very hard decision to take a semester off. I know it's for the good, BUT it reminds me that my life is so different now. I SHOULD be 36 weeks pregnant and finishing up last minute things for his arrival. I even bet we would still be fighting over names. Now I am struggling with emotions I never thought I would face. I am rearranging my normal life for a "new normal" and it's NO FUN.

I miss my Nolan and I think this month is going to be my hardest month. It's just getting too real. I just want to be the one sharing happy news.


cmatsukes said...

OH Ashley I dont know what to say I know in the future you will have those happy times again and also have those sweet precious memories of Nolan he is your butterfly kisses. I hope you win the contest your story is the best and most precious.

Rachel H. said...

I can't imagine how you are feeling and what you are going through and the pain that you must feel. I am thinking about you and praying for you, and I agree that taking the semester off was for the best. It'll definitely be good for you!

wendells said...

I'm sorry Ash :( I think about you guys everyday and I hate that you're going through this. I'm glad that Nolan is bringing you the butterfly and I hope that you win your cruise contest ((hugs))