Friday, August 7, 2009

Reality

I guess its just one of those days. I wake up and I feel "okay" but moments later, reality hits and I realize the nightmare is still very real. It gets more and more real with friends babies coming any day now, thankfully healthy. But it makes me miss Nolan so much. I wish so much that things could be different for us, I can't help but think it's not fair.

2 months ago today, I was being admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Little did I know that Nolan would have to come that very next morning. I forgot this picture was even taken until going through my pictures last night. This was taken that very day in triage, I didn't even know I was being admitted yet at that point. I look awful and my face was huge...thanks to the preeclampsia. I just thought it was pregnant chunky face. Little did I know.I miss that exciting feeling. I miss Nolan kicking my bladder so hard it would make me jump. I just miss my pregnancy and everything that comes with it. The excitement, hope and love you feel when your pregnant.

So no more than 12 hours after that last picture was taken, I was being prepped for the OR to have a C-section. It goes to show you that things can change in a second and you can't take things for granted. I never saw this outcome coming. I knew he was small and my amniotic fluid was low but I was determined to get him to at least 32 weeks so he had more of a fighting chance. But then this happened. Wow. I really thought I was in the clear after my 1st trimester and little did I know of the night mare that was waiting ahead for me.

My life is SO different now. Things that I thought were coming this fall are now absent. I was looking forward to bringing him to Vegas for my best friends wedding. I couldn't wait for our first FSU football party and dressing him up in a jersey onsie. I was looking forward to dressing him up for Halloween. And I was really looking forward to his first cruise we wanted to go on when he was 6 months. But now instead of all that, we are going to Vegas babyless, probably working Halloween night and instead of going on a first family cruise, we are going on a cruise in his memory. This just sucks.

I just wish Nolan was still here. I wish I could be spending my lonely Friday night hanging out in the NICU instead of sitting here playing FarmTown and drowning in my sorrows. I was going to go visit Nolan, but of course...it's raining again (gotta love Florida weather) But Chris and I have plans on taking a bike ride to see Nolan tomorrow so hopefully I don't give up at the halfway point. I am determined to make it- it's his 2 month birthday!

I still struggle with the feelings of not feeling like a Mom, but then it hit me.
I have realized what type of Mom I am when talking to another Mama who lost her baby just 3 weeks ago...we don't talk about diapers, teething and milestones. We talk about our few memories, flowers for graves and signs from our little ones such as downpours, rainbows & butterflies. I miss you Nolan but I know your holding hands & playing with Kalli up there in Heaven. Miss you lil guy!

And an update on that yellow butterfly: Here was my Facebook status, it explains it.

"So after an in depth convo with a new friend about our angels, I leave to go to the store and what follows me to the car???... a yellow butterfly. And what greets me as I open the car door when I got back to the house...that same yellow butterfly. Bizzare"


1 comment:

Lisa (Jasper's Mommy) said...

I have a similar picture from just before I was told by my doctor to go straight to Shands and go straight to maternity to be observed. Hugs!