Saturday, August 1, 2009

Aug 16th

Well that's the day I go back to work. I went for a visit last night and it was really nice seeing everyone. Am I excited to go back? Yes and No, it can't be any worse than what I have already been through, so I guess I'll just hope it goes well. I need the distraction to get me through these coming months, but gosh darn it, why does my job have to be so closely related to Nolan?

On another note. I'm just real sad today. I'm finding friends being upset with me because they feel like I am not happy for their coming baby. Really, seriously? I am so so so so happy my friends are having babies and healthy ones at that. I pray no one ever has to go through what we went through, it's a nightmare. Is it hard to show the excitement right now? Yes, of course, I JUST lost my baby and his emptiness consumes my thoughts. Is it hard to see girls complain about their pregnancy right now? Yup, sure is...because I want to shake them and say I would take ALL their pain times 10 just to have Nolan here and healthy. Is this to make them feel guilty, no not at all. I know that IF I was still pregnant I would have the same complaints and not think twice about them. But now being on the other side of things gives me a whole new perspective on things. It doesn't mean I don't think a pregnant women should NOT complain, heck pregnancy is uncomfortable. I'm just stuck in a really bad place. Close friends having babies that I wish mine was still here, it's hard and I think only a mother in my place could understand.

I'm now a Mom, but a Mom that really can't be in the same spot as other Moms. I can't talk like I have a child or share stories, because I only have 3 days of my son laying in an
isolette. He never had "milestones" so to say. But there is ONE thing he did do, he fought. He fought one hard fight. It's just like I can't be a part of the club they all get to be a part of...motherhood. Being excluded from it, justifies my fear of not feeling nor being recognized as a Mom.

I just want my Nolan back. I want to be visiting him and encourage him. Why can't I be doing this!?

Not Like You
by Sheri Hess


I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.

5 comments:

cmatsukes said...

I see what you are saying but just think when you are pregnant again they will not be and you and your baby will be the center of attention, it will come again I know it will for you. And yes I can see the emptyness you feel but once again you will be expecting again and have that happness once more. Remember the saying anyone can bear a baby it takes a Mom to give uncontionally love and to raise the child that is a Mom you are a mom because you fought so hard for him and the uncondtionally love you felt for him in just 3 days you truly were a MOM all the way. I think all of this will make you the Best Mom of all because you will know how precious life is and to sustain it. Good luck with going back to work it will be good for you.

Alison said...

I hope that going back to work will go OK with you. I wish you luck.
Don't worry about making friends upset. If they can't understand why you aren't showing your happiness outwardly, then they really have no idea what you are going through. If they are your friends, then they'll understand. Noone "gets it" though like another loss mama. I am so sorry you are going through this.
On a another note, I tagged you and you can go to my blog to see what to do. I still have to do the one you tagged me in. I will do that, I promise! :)

Darleen said...

Ashley, my heart breaks for you! Don't ever question yourself as a mom. I saw first hand what a strong, determined, loving mom you are. You were so strong and determined, you gave all of us Nolan for three days when everyone told you it wouldn't happen. Nolan's story isn't over because he will be a big brother one day and you will have another child who you will share this story with. That little baby was the most couragious little man I have ever seen...You're a wonderful mom Ashley, Nolan wouldn't have had a better mom....ever!

Graves said...

Hi there! I somehow found your blog and i am so glad i did! I lost my child at 22 weeks and have gone thru the same emotions. Returning to work was by far the hardest thing i wanted to do. I ended up making a small card and mailing them out to everybody which gave the name of my daughter and on the inside a little note that said something like thankyou for being so supportive in the sad time if i ever need somebody to talk to i will let you all know.. something along that lines so i wasnt asked questions. It will be difficult but they should understand if its to overwhelming.. maybe ask to have half days at first.
I will be thinking of you on your first days back!

RoRed23 said...

I'm sorry some of your friends aren't being more understanding. I can't say that I understand what you have gone through or are going through. But, I think as a mother I can empathize with you. Hopefully your friends will "get it" more when their babies are born (hopefully healthy) and they finally get to see what you had, and didn't get to have in comparison.