Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Friend

::Steps on Soapbox::

I am happy that you got to experience a wonderful birth and had a healthy baby but step back and take a look at the big picture.

Your baby was in the
NICU for observation and sure I bet it sucks not having your baby in the room with you and that it is a HUGE pain in the butt to have to nurse in the NICU. But step back, stop your whining and remember your baby is here, HEALTHY and your baby is going HOME with you in a few short days.

I would have done ANYTHING to have 3 simple days in the
NICU with a guarantee to bring Nolan home. The petty whining about latching and being inconvenienced with the nurses because you cant do what you want and couldn't go home 'on time' was **a VIRTUAL SLAP to all those who have been through those doors. Many of us are indeed grateful for medical staff that do their best to give those babies a fighting chance**

I didn't expect this from you considering you watched our struggle and thought that would knock you back into perspective, but I guess not.

I would take all those pety inconveniences if it meant bringing Nolan home. Think about all those mothers who are sitting in there day after day after day. What do you think they would say to you if you whined to them in the waiting room?! Sure you made a shout out to them, but your whining about the stupid stuff (not being discharged when you wanted) kind of feels like you shoved it in their face.

I am sorry you spent your first night at home without your baby and with empty arms. I agree, I bet it sucked but again remember those that never will get that night or remember those that live months in the NICU like that wondering every single day if they will get to bring their baby home.

I think you sounded very selfish this week and ungrateful. Because I bet Noelle would have died to be in your spot this week. Instead she is delivering a severely IUGR baby tomorrow morning at 32 weeks. The baby is less than 2 lbs and will be a NICU baby. They are praying and hoping and holding on to every strand of hope they have that Baby B will make it. She has been on hospital bed rest for weeks fighting for her and wondering every single day if she would see the next. Because she was told what I was told in the early weeks about Nolan that she wouldn't make it. At 26 weeks, Nolan and Baby B were pretty much the same size. Since being in the hospital Baby B has grown to over twice her size and even made it to 32 weeks. A goal I was DYING to get to.

Bless her heart. She has a long road ahead of her. Think of people like her and my friend Amy who are on the true roller coaster. I don't see them whining about feeding schedules and privacy issues. They are just thankful for the people who are and will be caring for their babies. I believe every Mom & Dad are going to have frustrations when it comes to NICU's. You have to fight nurse personalities, Dr's conflicting diagnosis and the struggle of not caring for your baby on your own. It sucks. Any NICU trip can be scary regardless of the reason they are in there, I am NOT trying to down play your experience, just your constant whining.

But I wanted to shake you this week and make you step back and take a look at the big picture. Your baby is thriving, healthy and beautiful. You had a fever that landed her a 2-3 day stay in the NICU for observation and antibiotics. But in the end, you put her in her car seat and walked out of the hospital with her. That in itself is a blessing and I think you need to stop AWing yourself and remember us who never experienced that.
Because I am SO sooooorrrry that (insert sarcasm)

"The NICU was a huge pain for us"

::stepping of my soapbox::
Ashley

Now that I feel better, I want you all to go visit Noelle and send her some warm wishes and prayers for tomorrow. She has been through so much and has been such a trooper for Baby B. I wish her all the best tomorrow and can't wait to see little Baby B fight her way through her NICU stay

**Disclaimer: I struggled with writing this but decided to since it bothered me all week. I think every and all NICU experiences no matter how severe or minor can be a scary situation, hands down. But I have never thought a Mother would 'shake her fist' at the NICU and point out every minor inconvenience. That's what felt like a slap in the face.


41 comments:

Betty said...

You took the words out of my mouth.

krousehouse said...

I totally understand - it's so hard to know what to say to people who simply can't put things into perspective.

Fanny said...

Ashley,
I know where this post is coming from, and I can't say that I know how you feel. But I also happen to know the 'Friend' and I just feel I need to respond..
I don't think that this was a malicious thought when she wrote it. You know hospitals can be a frustrating scary experience.
I don't think she was thinking about babies less fortunate then her's - she just wanted her baby at home.
I know the pain you experienced has lead you to lose some friendships for this very reason - but I can't imagine you would want everyone to walk on eggshells all the time.
This was not a 'slap' but rather a simple comment.
I know that I sometimes selfishly complain about things that others (even in my life) can never take for granted. It happens sometimes. Not against those other people - just as a simple vent.
What I am trying to say in this VERY long reply is that I don't think this was directed at anyone in particular, or with anyone in particular in mind.
I think that she just needed to vent - you can see from the rest of her posts and photos how thankful and gracious of a mommy she already is.
*Stepping off my soap box, and sending you hugs*

zookeeperjess said...

I am so sad by your story and so incredibly sad that you have so much anger built up in you.

It needs to be said that because YOU went through this people should NOT have to hide their frustrations. YES your baby died. Yes it was horrible. I cried so so hard reading your story. BUT you also need to remember that your FRIENDS have feelings to and just because they voice their frustrations DOESN'T make them a bad person or that they were out to hurt their feelings. It's NORMAL to feel frustrated in the situation she's in and your bet your behind if you were in her situation WIHTOUT losing Nolan (I wish so hard that you had not lost him) that YOU would be frustrated and complaining too.

I'm sorry to say but your are being mean and selfish in this post. I don't mean to anger you or hurt your feelings because I can NEVER imagine the pain you're going through. EVER. To even think about it hurts me. But you have no right to be this way to her. It's incredibly sad.

Maggie said...

Amen sister! I don't think or expect people to walk on eggshells around me. HOWEVER, those people were there trying to take care of her baby. Babies in the past have died due to those issues and with those deaths the doctors learned to keep an extra eye on babies.

Her being inconvenienced with a NICU stay was way bigger of a deal then her baby coming home healthy.

The only place that our sons lived was in the NICU. The staff became family because they were taking care of our most valuable possessions.

It just baffles me that people justify her childish venting when the NICU staff was making sure she would have a healthy baby to take home.

I love you Ashley!

belle said...

((((hugs))))

devoleigh said...

I 100% agree with Fanny & Zookeeper. While your situation was absolutely tragic and horrible in comparison to many other situations, that should not mean that others don't have a right to vent their feelings. You talk about your friend being selfish and ungrateful, but your post sounds just as selfish.
I used to get so mad when I would complain about common pregnancy problems and have someone throw in my face "at least you have a baby." Which yes is true...BUT does that make my feelings that much less valid???
Stop thinking that everything people bitch about is about you because there are others so are allowed to vent about "petty" things without being beat up about it. It's not all about you!!!!
After all this, I just want to say that I hope you continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy.Just try to remember that for those of us who haven't experienced this, it doesn't make our "petty" feelings that less stressful. Good luck!

Krystle said...

All I have to say is UGH! I don't even know what I want to type in regards to this. I know that it's not necessarily 'fair' to get angry when someones complaining about morning sickness when you would DIE to be pregnant. I get that. And no, it doesn't make them any less miserable, but it's all a matter of perspective. People need to KEEP perspective. Some people go through entire pregnancy & births without having a clue what could go wrong, what others experience & what others lose. I can tell you that if my friend had a baby in the NICU that didn't make it and mine went for observation, I would be eternally grateful and let them do anything and everything they could. Of course, everybody knows that birth itself makes us crazy & hearing that ANYTHING is wrong with your baby is terrifying, but what should be comforting is that it's FIXABLE.
Anyways, Ashley I'm sorry for some of the comments you received. They made me angry for you. Yes everyone has an opinion, and blah blah blah, and if you needed to get those feelings out then you did the right thing. (OBVIOUSLY, you did the right thing). OTHER People need to understand that you are still grieving, and it is a process.
Now, as for the friend, she honestly was probably being selfish and only thinking of her baby, because that's what you do, especially when you are a new mom, so you may have to try and talk it over and forgive her.
Either way, I'm not wishing people dead babies or anything but GROW THE F UP! You have NO idea what it's like, even the difference between a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, late miscarriage, infant death, it's all different. Yes the person who miscarried at 6 weeks is devastated, but don't say you can't compare that to a 40 week loss where you have to deliver or be cut open to greet your dead baby. Each situation belongs to it's own group of feelings, grief & way of healing.
Anyways, have a good weekend Ashley and keep on growing little one!

zookeeperjess said...

Krystal I CLEARLY stated that I had NO idea what losing a baby was like and I pray to GOD that I never do. Believe I AM one of those people who is paranoid about everything. My kids get a cough or get sick and I instantly fear the worst. I'm so paranoid about losing my kids that it sometimes affects my daily living. I have such anxiety. Stories like Ashley's makes me realize that things are NOT always normal. Some women don't get to take their beautiful little babies home alive. And it BREAKS MY HEART!!!! It truly does. I know that if I am ever pregnant again, I will NEVER rest easy the entire pregnancy worried that something, anything could happen at anytime.

HOWEVER, everyone has feelings. EVERYONE. Whether you lost your baby or not, it's normal to feel frustrated that your baby is in the NICU and you can't take them home. You can't compare this woman to a woman who has lost her baby. They lead totally separate lives and to write a blog post about her and talk about how horrible it is for her to voice her frustrations is down right wrong and if anyone is being selfish it's Ashley in this post.

I read your blog Ashley and will continue to do so. I know you're hurting. I can't ever pretend to know what you're feeling. EVER. And I pray that I don't. I wish so hard that you had Nolan in your arms and I continue to pray for a smooth pregnancy and delivery for your new little baby but you aren't taking your friends feelings into consideration with this post. You aren't taking anyone's feelings into consideration aside from people who lost a baby. I hope that someday you do.

Praying.

Ashley D said...

Fanny,
#1 I love you

#2 I know it wasn't malicious, she has never had that in her body. I know she wanted her baby at home, wouldn't we all. Any extra stay SUCKS for ANY reason and it's not how anyone invisions everything working out. I was upset when I went to go read her updates because I was excited for her and when I read them I saw the comments she made and they kinda hurt. I don't expect her to walk on egg shells because of me, bc I never thought she would be thinking of ME as she was typing. I just wanted to shake her and remind her SOME of the things she was saying sounded very minor to the big situation. I would 150% agree if the complaints were about the place being scary or being worried about her health. But they seemed all cosmetic and super inconvientent.
I know she is absolutely head over heels for her baby and is so so so so happy to have her home. I was happy to see her being her home. I know she has one loving mother. I never denied that or wrote she wasn't. I KNOW she is.

Lori said...

Here's what I'm having a hard time with--with respect to your post and the comments to it.

It's YOUR BLOG! Just like your friend had every right to whine and complain (and of course those things were petty--she obviously has no other life experiences, thank GOD that allow her to see them as otherwise, and as you said, you are glad for her in that!)....

YOU CAN COMPLAIN AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AND PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.

And surely, they don't have to respond to it and tell you that you are selfish or misguided in your FEELINGS.

THEY ARE YOURS. And you are entitled to them. And just because you put them on a blog where others CAN read them, you are not REQUIRING to read them, nor are you asking them for their retort.

I am SO angered (as evidenced, I guess by all my caps) that WE are required to extend SO much grace to others---knowing that most of the time, insensitive comments were more than likely NOT mal-intended and we just have to bite our tongues when someone says something stupid to us because we have to remember that they just don't have (again, thank GOD!) any real way of knowing how *THIS* feels....

But GOD FORBID you actually take the opportunity to vent yourself...to let your hurt and your feelings---the very things that DO color your perspective and life (just as others who DON'T have those experiences DON'T have that perspective) be written--WRITTEN, mind you...not spoken to the friend...without being told you are selfish.

You are NOT being mean, NOR are you being selfish. Those calling you mean and selfish are defending your friend's right to do EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING...venting...feeling frustrated...feeling hurt...wishing it was different.

Why aren't YOU allowed to do that (on your OWN BLOG, no less) just because your child died?

I'm really sorry...I saw your post as words I've often thought and written myself...and not meant to be mean or bitter but simply your side of the coin. No mal-intent meant on your part either and yet you were not given the common courtesy as you are expected to give your friend.

For the record, this blog is YOURS. It is about YOU. And as such, the things that happen in YOUR LIFE (including your friends actions/words/happenings) will affect YOU...therefore absolutely making it about YOU. Writing about YOUR reactions to things on YOUR blog is YOUR right...people who don't like it and feel you 'beat' others up about it need to just stop reading YOUR THOUGHTS if it bothers them so darned much.

Seriously. I am really, really sorry people feel the need to chastise you in your own space.

I don't agree with everything I read on every blog I read, but I sure as heck understand that it's not my place to agree or disagree...and I can just MOVE ON if I don't like it. Who the heck am *I* to tell YOU how to feel or NOT feel?

NO ONE.

Thanks for sharing your words and your story.

zookeeperjess said...

Lori - it's also entirely possible to vent your feelings without talking about someone personally.
I completely understand Ashley's hurt. WHO WOULDN'T. But to write a blog post about a specific person saying all the things she did is really sad and not good at all.

Lisette said...

Hello, people this is Ashley's personal space so BACK OFF....

I am sorry that they are fighting with you on this post. I understand you and not only because I lost a child. Julian my son(1st born) spent 5 days in NICU and NEVER once did I complain. I was so greatful for everything the staff did for him. Yes, I was sad he didn't get to come on time but you know what it was for his own good. We were so EXCITED the day we brought him home that we even bought the NICU staff the biggest basket from Mrs. Fields cookies. To this day I am so grateful for anyone who works in NICU. I am totally off here but my point is that even before I knew anything about this babyloss world, I only had respect for anything NICU because they made it possible to bring my son home.
Don't let them get to you, they don't understand and probably never will and that is ok. No one should feel what you feel on a day to day basis. Don't feel that you need to be careful on what you write here. This is your space, they don't like it then don't read it. It is that simple. ((HUGS))

Brie said...

You can remind that friend that I would have done ANYTHING to have a chance at my child even being born alive to the hands of NICU nurses..I didn't even get that chance. I am sure it felt inconvinient to her, but guess what? NOT bringing a baby home is more inconvenient than putting up with NICU schedules and nurses who are doing their darndest to get your baby out of there alive and healthy. I hope your friend reads this and realizes what a blessing she has.

Brie said...

p.s. I have something I want to send your way..I've been holding onto it for a couple months..I think you will love it ( not baby related)..email me with your mailing address

briezentil@gmail.com

Izzy said...

I have to agree with Ashley, the NICU is a place that SAVES LIVES. My mom is a NICU nurse, and I'm sure she doesn't try to be annoying or inconvenient. She tries to make sure that EVERY baby gets to go home, whether its after 3 days or 3 months. And while some don't, it's a happy event to all the NICU staff when they do, even after a short stay.
It would have been different if the friend was talking about being scared or worried, but not annoyed.

urban chaos said...

As someone who worked in a NICU and cared for sick babies, experienced loss myself at 19 weeks (and 5 days) and is now a parent to three healthy children I feel previous comments articulated so much of what I'd say.

1) perspective- it's both a gift and a curse..
2) A blog is akin to a modern day 'diary' it is a venue to post one's stream of consciousness- so if it's offensive to read delete off your list and move on...


Real tragedy unfolds each and every single day in the delivery room and in the NICU.
IF life were fair, pregnancy would be a wonderful, glorious experience- a miracle. But, so many people take for granted the ease at which some can GET pregnant, stay pregnant and bring home a healthy baby. It's just not on their radar to think otherwise until they are sometimes touched (whether directly or indirectly) by tragedy. Those that have been, again ideally, should be compassionate to others' struggle..

The idea that tubes are an inconvenience or obtrusive may feel true- but they are there to keep a baby healthy. And, the staff may be busy to discharge one child simply because they are dealing with priority cases.

Parenting isn't a contest- we don't earn points by having children naturally, bearing tears and scars, breastfeeding, and professing our love- but it should be a lesson in grace and consideration for each other as women and mothers.


The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.
George Bernard Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple" (1901), act II

So, while some may not see the the whole picture- the idea of indifference to what unfolds before your eyes can be heartbreaking and disturbing for those who have been at the other end of the spectrum..it's easy to see the negative but it only takes one simple twist of fate to appreciate all that is wonderful.

*hugs* Ashely!

urban chaos said...

@zookeeperjess- seriously> mean? wrong? and selfish? Those are an awful lot of stones you are throwing out there when you yourself have said above that you have NO CLUE what Ash's experience has been.

So, while you can disagree with her post content all you want please DO NOT dispute the fact that her feelings are valid from her perspective.

You own YOURS so let ASHLEY OWN HERS! After all, this is HER BLOG- her inner most thoughts and feelings. Right or wrong as someone who prays and is christian (I'm guessing here) why are you adding to the negativity by tossing around YOUR judgment of her?

Jayme said...

Having a feeder & grower in the NICU was so very different than having a 1 lb 1 oz 25 weeker... it was like night and day. Both suck, of course, but one wasn't filled with fear and tension and worry. It was like the difference between my miscarriage and my stillbirth- neither are fun but it's apples and oranges.

KAM said...

Maybe it’s just because I’m only 3 months out and the grief is still really fresh, but here’s what I would say if I was Ashley…

For all of you out there who’ve had the perfect pregnancy, the perfect birth and the perfect kid, good for you. But for those of us who haven’t, don’t tell us how to feel. YOU DON’T KNOW. It hurts. It’s hell on earth. In fact, hell can’t be any worse.

If you want to talk about your kids, great, I don’t mind to hear it, but what I don’t want to hear is how tired you are, what an inconvenience it is that you had to get up in the middle of the night, how your kid won’t stop crying. I don’t want to hear that and if that’s selfish and mean, then I guess I’m selfish and mean. But until you’re putting flowers on your child’s grave, yeah, you should be a little more considerate of those that have experienced loss.

Morgan said...

Well, I'm the 'friend' that was featured in today's blog post. Ashley's perspective on my NICU experience comes from reading a few posts on a message board and possibly my facebook status. All she saw was a frustrated, over tired, new mom who was venting to people she trusts.

Had she asked me about my experience before blogging about it I would have had a chance to tell her several things that she didn't know when she wrote this.

For example, my nurses in the NICU were amazing. Antoinette greeted us at 4:00am and had made my baby a special hat with a bow. She put my mind at ease and was 110% supportive of my desire to come back in 2 hours to breast feed,

Then there were Sue and Linda on the day shift who explained every step of her care process and sat with me twice when we were trying to get her to latch. They listened to my concerns and treated us with so much respect.

Had Ashley asked me I could have shared with her that I told Nolan's story to several nurses when we were discussing how THANKFUL we are that our baby was only in for observation and not because she was sick or pre-term.

I could have told her about the other mothers I met and how much I respect them and pray for their babies to be able to go home soon.

I could have told her that my frustration was with the hospital's apparent lack of consideration for mothers who aren't able to room in with the baby. Like the fact that in order to eat I had to leave the NICU for hours at a time because if I wasn't in my room for the food delivery they wouldn't leave the food and it would take another hour to redeliver, and I would have shared the frustration from never having a point of contact who could tell us what was going on.

I would have told her that when I posted about leaving the hospital with empty arms I was thinking about all of the mothers whose arms are forever empty, especially Ashley. But I didn't want to make my status about other people's losses when I haven't lost anything.

I would have told her many things and maybe that would have impacted her decision about what to put in this blog. Quoting me completely out of context and hanging me out to dry in front of a blog audience that includes many mutual friends was not something I expected. This post could have been just as expressive without making it about ME.

Ash, I respect you and your loss, you know I do. But My experience was MY experience and I'm entitled to it. I know how fortunate I am to have this baby in my arms. This is your space to vent but if your problem is with me specifically, I'd appreciate an email or something.

Take care of yourself and the little one.

Morgan said...

Well, I'm the 'friend' that was featured in today's blog post. Ashley's perspective on my NICU experience comes from reading a few posts on a message board and possibly my facebook status. All she saw was a frustrated, over tired, new mom who was venting to people she trusts.

Had she asked me about my experience before blogging about it I would have had a chance to tell her several things that she didn't know when she wrote this.

For example, my nurses in the NICU were amazing. Antoinette greeted us at 4:00am and had made my baby a special hat with a bow. She put my mind at ease and was 110% supportive of my desire to come back in 2 hours to breast feed,

Then there were Sue and Linda on the day shift who explained every step of her care process and sat with me twice when we were trying to get her to latch. They listened to my concerns and treated us with so much respect.

Had Ashley asked me I could have shared with her that I told Nolan's story to several nurses when we were discussing how THANKFUL we are that our baby was only in for observation and not because she was sick or pre-term.

I could have told her about the other mothers I met and how much I respect them and pray for their babies to be able to go home soon.

I could have told her that my frustration was with the hospital's apparent lack of consideration for mothers who aren't able to room in with the baby. Like the fact that in order to eat I had to leave the NICU for hours at a time because if I wasn't in my room for the food delivery they wouldn't leave the food and it would take another hour to redeliver, and I would have shared the frustration from never having a point of contact who could tell us what was going on.

I would have told her that when I posted about leaving the hospital with empty arms I was thinking about all of the mothers whose arms are forever empty, especially Ashley. But I didn't want to make my status about other people's losses when I haven't lost anything.

I would have told her many things and maybe that would have impacted her decision about what to put in this blog. Quoting me completely out of context and hanging me out to dry in front of a blog audience that includes many mutual friends was not something I expected. This post could have been just as expressive without making it about ME.

Ash, I respect you and your loss, you know I do. But My experience was MY experience and I'm entitled to it. I know how fortunate I am to have this baby in my arms. This is your space to vent but if your problem is with me specifically, I'd appreciate an email or something.

Take care of yourself and the little one.

Morgan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Morgan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Morgan said...

whoops! Sorry for the multiple posts, it kept saying it wouldn;t post and now won't let me delete the duplicates.

cmatsukes said...

Why are you all in a competion of losses I have had alot of losses in my life that you can never imagine. Not just the loss but the sorrow and heartache before the losses. Yes losing a baby is a great lose but so is any life. I lost my mom just last year to 12 years of fighting Cancer to keep her and My Husband of 19 years my first true love in 2007. So everyone has there own losses and it is not a competition and let me tell I have alot of anger with the loss of my husband I wanted to say I was married 25 yrs 50 yrs etc but will never get that chance and my Mom I wanted to spend some quality time with her but for 12 years was not able to with Cancer in the scene. So all of you be thankful for what you had and what your future holds, and stop trying to out do the other. You all had loss and some did not that does not mean you are jealous for the other one this is life and that is how life is ups downs loses, wins and family to be there with you and for you. Anger and jealous feelings only harbors and creates more. From an older adult grow up.

parker's mom said...

I love your blog, and I think of you often and pray for your little one to keep growing big and strong. I spent almost 4 months in the NICU with my son. I wanted to punch the parents who were sobbing because their baby had to stay a day or two. But after awhile, I felt sincerely sorry for them, too. I was just jealous, anyway. The NICU is a terribly scary place and no mother wants to spend even one minute there. Because that's not the way it's supposed to be. My baby was in a warm bubble, then ripped into this cold world and stuck with a thousand needles. It took months for him to let us touch him without him flinching, wondering what torture he was in for next. I loved the nurses and doctors who took care of him, but I was simultaneously still angry that he had to be there when he should have been home with me. Thanks for posting your frustrations. It's theraputic for all us grieving mothers. :)

devoleigh said...

Amen Morgan! Glad you and your LO are home and healthy. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for venting "petty" frustrations. It is our God given right after all.

B said...

Wow, looks like I'm late to the party over here... ;-)

Ashley, I want to say that I completely understand your feelings and need to vent. I've done the exact same thing on my blog. It's NOT that we're not overjoyed for our friends, and NOT that we wish them anything but the best. But we can't ignore the sting. (And it doesn't have to be intentional to sting—heck, perfect strangers make me cry half the time!)

For me, I use my blog to vent things that I know are my very personal (sometimes OVER)reaction to something, that I DON'T want to let my friends know about. Why? Because I am trying to be nice, and protect them, and just vent to myself. And because I know that they didn't intend to hurt me. And, as evidenced by some reactions to this post, our 100% honest, raw reactions are not always "acceptable" to those who haven't been there. I'm sorry your friend read this post and felt "sold out," but I view personal blogs as just that—personal. If we can't vent here, where else?

Hugs to you, and I hope things continue to go well for you and your friend.

Lori said...

ZookeeperJess--another thing that is entirely possible is that people keep their mouths shut and not be so judgmental in responding to someone's obvious grief and pain and PERSONAL feelings in PERSONAL space.

She didn't say anything to her friend--maybe because she KNEW that she had a different perspective that she wouldn't wish on anyone and that her friend truly (and again, THANKFULLY) just may not understand how her words may come across. More than that, Ashley never claimed that her friend's words and thoughts and sentiments were directed at her or meant to be mean...No, maybe Ashley realized that because of her perspective, her feelings may be a bit more intense and sensitive, and as such, rather than engage in something not worth losing a friendship over with a new mom, she decided she'd write about it--never naming a name--in her own personal space.

And for that she's judged? For that she's mean and selfish? For that she's accused of being b*tchy?

It's a blog. They're her thoughts. About her life. And the things in her life. And I don't know too many people who write blogs about imaginary people or situations.

As for who wouldn't understand Ashley's hurt???????? Someone who's never lost a child, that's who. And as someone who HAS, I (and I imagine no other mother who's lost a child) would NEVER DREAM of wishing that perspective on my worst, worst enemy. Thank God this world has people who are so blessed that their biggest worries about pregnancies are so minor in the big scheme of things...it would be a very dark and discouraging world in which no one could encourage anyone else.

So, forgive me if you've lost a baby and have even an inkling of how hard the road that entails is...but if you haven't, please don't insult those of us who walk these horrible shoes every day in saying you understand the hurt. You don't. And I am so, so, SO glad you don't.

Life is all about the choices we make. She knew in writing this post that it may be taken in a way that is not necessarily what she wanted, and she put that disclaimer out there. Yet, her feelings about the topic warranted her the need to have a release.

Please don't judge her or anyone else for her feelings and the way in which she chooses to share them.

If you don't agree with what she did, move on and stick with the blogs with which you can agree. There's no need to make her feel worse than she already does.




Lori - it's also entirely possible to vent your feelings without talking about someone personally.
I completely understand Ashley's hurt. WHO WOULDN'T. But to write a blog post about a specific person saying all the things she did is really sad and not good at all.

佳皓佳皓 said...

Quality is better than quantity.............................................................

Kel said...

I've been following this blog for a long time, and I've been amazed by Ashley's incredible journey.

But, I did find the tone of the post rather harsh. Especially the last few sentences. I think it could have been written in a different tone--conveying the same message without being hurtful to friends.

*Laura Angel said...

Holy moly! Ill make this short and to the point...its YOUR blog...write what YOU want...HUGS to you!

Angie said...

Have you read that article/essay about "weeds" in your life? There are a few comments/people on this entry that I would "weed" out of my life. No one should be judging you for your feelings on your blog!

Anyone who tells you you are being mean and selfish is a crappy friend that you don't need in your life! I can't even believe that I read that for this entry, which was 100% correct. I mean, I'm still in awe that someone could be such a jerk (not you, the person who said that) and so clueless. That person must have a very perfect life to be so judgmental.

Angie said...

Here's the weeding your garden article (Thanks Laura Angel!)

http://www.rowantreefoundation.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=151&Itemid=2

I hate when people tell me what to do/how to feel, etc. so I'm trying to avoid that, but I can't help but notice that you seem to have some weeds growing, my friend. You should have never felt like you needed to apologize or explain yourself. That's crap.

ryansmom said...

Trying to figure out how to live with the "new normal" you is difficult. Half the time I don't know who I am anymore or should I say which one of me is going to show up in any given situation. It's hard to know when to be assertive and protect ourselves from unintentional hurtful comments. I think you're doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt. This is your blog and the great thing about it is how you write from the heart. Sure things could have been said differently but no one is perfect. I hope you and your friend can make amends.

zookeeperjess said...

Anyone who knows me knows I'm FAR from judgemental and harsh. As the same could be said for Ashley, I'm sure. So be immature and call me whatever you want. We're adults here.

BUT this blog does make her look like that. MY point in responding to this blog was for ASHlEY to realize that she didn't have to be that way.

Me a jerk? No. Ashley, I'm sorry if I offended you. I tried to explain my reasoning for posting but apparently it did not come through.

As for moving on and stop reading, NO. I like Ashley, I like Ashley's blog. I PRAY for her, I PRAY for her peace and comfort. I PRAY she doesn't feel this pain. I can imagine it will never go away. Just because I have FEELINGS and feel bad for the person she wrote about does NOT make me a bad person. God forbid we should stick up for people who are being talked about and didn't even know it.

Lauren said...

The bottom line is this is YOUR blog and you have the right to voice YOUR opinions anytime and anyway you want.

Love you and lots of hugs!
Lauren

Shelley said...

wOw, unbelievable.

You all should be ashamed of yourselves. This is a blog where Ashley shares how she feels about Nolan, pregnancy, babies, birth, NICU, pre-e and anything else related. This is therapeutic for her! This is NOT a freaking discussion board, this is NOT ND or TK and the comments are for support! The ignorance displayed here by you dip shits amazes me. Agree or disagree, don't come to her blog and give HER shit for relaying what she is STILL going through. This is Ashley's journey. Back the F off.

and Zookeeper? right. Funny choice in name for an animal who needs to be caged.

erika said...

Ashley,
I can't say I know where you are coming from but I think your post was well put indeed. As a former NICU RN and a current PICU RN I see parents like you and the one you posted about and have had several friends who whine about being pregnant "still" at 36 weeks. I remind them to be GLAD to be pregnant at 36 weeks and that it is a blessing. Nothing in life is guaranteed and every moment with your child is precious. You have every right to feel the way you do!!! Good post.

I enjoy reading your blog and keep thinking about you and praying for your health and your pregnancy too.
Erika

Jessica said...

I'll shake her for you!!