Sometimes I hate the person I have become. A lot of the times I forget what it felt like to be truely happy and have stupid things to fret over and I absolutely HATE that. I'm not perfect and this journey of grief has been far from perfect. I think I have tried my best to share my feelings raw and I open myself up like a book. But sometimes it can backfire as I learned yesterday. I fully admit I am not always right and that my new perspective shadows the normal perspective. Do you know how sick I am of trying to explain myself, my complexes and the reasons I do things one way over another to family, friends and coworkers? It can be exhausting.
In the past year I have been more judgemental and bitter than I have ever been in my life, but I have tried my hardest to deal with it with grace and dignity and A LOT of the time- I keep the thoughts to myself. I think anyone who has lost their child at any age will feel that. Unfortunatly, it's not always perfect. I don't want people to pity me, feel sorry for me or feel censored around me (although I understand THAT part). I am not trying to win the war of loss here, nor am I trying to out do others in my battles- that's just plain stupid. I just want my normal naive life back. At times I miss my naive perspective because it was easier. But then I also have to remember through all the bad and hell of the past year, some good things have come out of it. I have learned to love harder than ever before, Chris and I have conquered what many seperate over and become closer, I have made AMAZING friendships even in the mist of losing a few and I appreciate life 100 times more than I did before. That goes for any life... old, young and brand new.
I write in my blog more on my bad days than my good days. In the future I hope the good out number the bad. But for now, blogging is therapy and 100% of the time when something is eating at me I feel relief after I post. That's just how I am, how I conduct my blog and what it is. I made that choice last June when I decided to keep writing in the mist of grief.
But I will apologize for my post yesterday, I could have gotten the same point across with more grace and class than I did (like here). But I will not apologize for my feelings, because that's what they are... true and unscripted. I now understand why so many grieving mothers have private or anonymous blogs, because sometimes our perspecties sound judgemental or crazy and well sometimes: they are. That's just how it is.