Monday, July 5, 2010

I am excited.

I am excited.
I am hopeful.
I am thankful.

But I am also very guarded. Rightfully so.

I know at 14 weeks pregnant with Nolan I had nursery plans in order, names being thrown around, baby shower ideas brewing and I was searching high and low for the perfect baby crib. I'm sure my friends we're sick of me talking about the pregnancy and the new baby.
I was just so.damn.excited!
I couldn't WAIT to go scanner crazy at Babies R Us, I couldn't wait to sign up for every email about my baby's development I just couldn't wait to get my hands on anything 'baby'. I couldn't help but vision what are life was about to become. Because again, I was so excited.

But this time, it's so different. It's a different excitement. Like a 'thankful, hopeful, I am praying to make it past 32 weeks but I know what can happen' excited. In all honesty, it's a guarded excited. When people ask me my due date, I really don't know how to answer because I will never get to that date. We're hoping for 32 weeks, then 36. We will deliver at 36. Shoot I am praying to get past 26 for crying out loud. I just tell people I hope to make it through October.

I am not running to Babies R Us and starting registries. I am not really thinking too far ahead of myself. I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched. I am afraid to buy anything baby. I don't want nor expect a baby shower. I am not planning a 'baby moon' because it's not smart for me to travel at such a critical time, nor would my Dr let me. I'm not writing a birth plan because I didn't need it last time. My birth plan will say,

"Do whatever to keep this baby safe and get him/her here safely"

I guess I am not worrying about the petty things I may have thought about before. Maybe in time when I feel more safe, I will. But for the time being I am just enjoying every second I am getting in this so far so good pregnancy. I am lucky to be back in this spot and I am thankful for every second I get.

I'm playing it careful. That is what works for me. I know all too well that bad things happen to good people. Bad things can happen at any time, 6 weeks, 13 weeks, 26 weeks and 40 weeks. I'm quite this time around, I am humbled and so what...who cares.

I am excited. My close friends and family know this and see this. They are the ones I feel comfortable talking 'future' plans with. I am attached to this baby already and that scares me because I know how quickly that can be taken away. I don't know how I could handle a loss again.

So for the time being, I live ultrasound to ultrasound (every 2 weeks) and pray for good news. I think about getting through these next few months. I am anxious to know if this little one is a boy or girl. I hope I have a big ole pregnant belly for Halloween. I hope I have something huge to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. I hope that come December 10th, I have 3 awesome people with me in the OR. Chris, Dr Fish and Ashley V (who doesn't get a choice but to be my OR nurse) and I hope that a few days or weeks later we can have the biggest 'Meet & Greet Baby Shower' ever.
A celebration of sorts.

These are pretty much the only things I care about right now. No nursery, no cribs, strollers, coming home outfits or bottle choices for this mama. I just want to stay pregnant until December and THEN we can worry about all that extra mumbo jumbo later.


Lori said...

Feeling you on so, so much of that!!!!!

Angie said...

I am excited for you. :)

ryansmom said...

I'm still praying for you and your little one.

Busted Kate said...

Feel you completely. There should be a whole guide on pregnancy after loss. Keeping you in my prayers!

krousehouse said...

I have been right where you are, and I know how incredibly exhilarating each of those milestones can be, and how much anxiety goes into the wait...and how not everyone understands that you are excited about every moment, even though you are not filling the house with baby clothes and yearning for your shower. I pray you reach every goal with success and happiness.

Lisette said...

I am very happy for you. i pray little baby continues to grow healthy in your belly. ((HUGS))

Bluebird said...

You know I understand! That sounds like the best birth plan I can think of :)

Wishing and hoping and praying you toward the best Meet and Greet ever!!!

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Krissy said...

I'm praying for you but also excited for you. I was high risk pregnancies with both of my girls due to a loss when I was a teenager and I know the feeling. Praying and hoping every night. Just remember, take the time out to enjoy your pregnancy even through all of the fears. I worried myself through my first pregnancy and it goes so quickly. If you need any advice, don't hesitate to e-mail me


I've been through it all and maybe can at least offer some emotional support. :)

Mrs.F said...

I am so excited for you & I continue to pray for you & baby!

tiffany said...

Ashley I can totally relate. With my first pre-e pregnancy in 2005 I spent a ridiculous amount of time deciding what color wood to do the baby's room in...did the changing table match the was so lame and it felt so pointless after pre-e and HELLP at 28 weeks and ending up myself in ICU! As I may have mentioned with this pregnancy, I did practically NOTHING to prep the baby's room. A friend asked what theme I was doing. It was seriously the last thing on my mind. Same as you - just bake a healthy baby.

Even now at 10 days old, the room is so bare. But I don't care. Neither does the baby.

Hang in there hon, you have every right to deal with it the way you feel best.


Anonymous said...

I know this feeling. I started a registry this time, but waited till I was after when we lost Jonathan. I am trying to remain hopeful, but like yourself forty weeks seems so far away and wonder if I even have a chance at making it that far *hugs*

Brie said...

I so needed to read that right now. I went back to your blog today because what you felt last year at this point so poignantly puts how I feel at this exct moment, into words. Thank you for not making me feel not so alone or crazy.