I am hopeful.
I am thankful.
But I am also very guarded. Rightfully so.
I know at 14 weeks pregnant with Nolan I had nursery plans in order, names being thrown around, baby shower ideas brewing and I was searching high and low for the perfect baby crib. I'm sure my friends we're sick of me talking about the pregnancy and the new baby.
I was just so.damn.excited!
I couldn't WAIT to go scanner crazy at Babies R Us, I couldn't wait to sign up for every email about my baby's development I just couldn't wait to get my hands on anything 'baby'. I couldn't help but vision what are life was about to become. Because again, I was so excited.
But this time, it's so different. It's a different excitement. Like a 'thankful, hopeful, I am praying to make it past 32 weeks but I know what can happen' excited. In all honesty, it's a guarded excited. When people ask me my due date, I really don't know how to answer because I will never get to that date. We're hoping for 32 weeks, then 36. We will deliver at 36. Shoot I am praying to get past 26 for crying out loud. I just tell people I hope to make it through October.
I am not running to Babies R Us and starting registries. I am not really thinking too far ahead of myself. I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched. I am afraid to buy anything baby. I don't want nor expect a baby shower. I am not planning a 'baby moon' because it's not smart for me to travel at such a critical time, nor would my Dr let me. I'm not writing a birth plan because I didn't need it last time. My birth plan will say,
"Do whatever to keep this baby safe and get him/her here safely"
I guess I am not worrying about the petty things I may have thought about before. Maybe in time when I feel more safe, I will. But for the time being I am just enjoying every second I am getting in this so far so good pregnancy. I am lucky to be back in this spot and I am thankful for every second I get.
I'm playing it careful. That is what works for me. I know all too well that bad things happen to good people. Bad things can happen at any time, 6 weeks, 13 weeks, 26 weeks and 40 weeks. I'm quite this time around, I am humbled and so what...who cares.
I am excited. My close friends and family know this and see this. They are the ones I feel comfortable talking 'future' plans with. I am attached to this baby already and that scares me because I know how quickly that can be taken away. I don't know how I could handle a loss again.
So for the time being, I live ultrasound to ultrasound (every 2 weeks) and pray for good news. I think about getting through these next few months. I am anxious to know if this little one is a boy or girl. I hope I have a big ole pregnant belly for Halloween. I hope I have something huge to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. I hope that come December 10th, I have 3 awesome people with me in the OR. Chris, Dr Fish and Ashley V (who doesn't get a choice but to be my OR nurse) and I hope that a few days or weeks later we can have the biggest 'Meet & Greet Baby Shower' ever.
A celebration of sorts.
These are pretty much the only things I care about right now. No nursery, no cribs, strollers, coming home outfits or bottle choices for this mama. I just want to stay pregnant until December and THEN we can worry about all that extra mumbo jumbo later.