Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A blessing

When things like this happen, you feel very alone in the world. I felt like Chris and I had our world turned upside down and time stopped for us, while others where in the complete opposite. It's hard to relate with people after loosing your baby because you really do feel like your world is frozen in time. How would they ever understand anyways? They are experiencing the most exciting time in their lives while I sit here in my sorrows. You end up feeling very isolated.

But then when times were at their worst, a few blessings came into my life. When I lost Nolan, I joined a club I didn't ask to be in. I joined a club that no one thinks about until they are pushed into the club themselves. This club has no name because it's a
club that has no words but has feelings. Feelings that every single person in this club is familiar with... loosing your child.

Since Nolan passing, God has sent me a few very precious friends. One of them is
Amy and she is Kalli's mom. Kalli was a precious baby girl who was brought into this world for the same reasons Nolan was... Preeclampsia. Both Kalli and Nolan we born in week 26, and were almost the same size. Kalli was also a very brave little girl that fought so hard in the NICU. But just like Nolan, her little body couldn't put up the fight and she went to be with Nolan just 5 days after being born.

Amy was placed in my life and she is a true blessing to me. We have never met and never even knew of each others existence until a mutual friend brought us together. Amy lost Kalli just 4 weeks after I lost Nolan, so our friend asked if she could share my blog with her as maybe it would help her. We since have then connected on Facebook and have now shared a bond that only we can understand. I have someone to go through this journey of grieving with. She understands me, just as I understand her. Our stories are so similar down to the minute we both lost our babies, she also lost Kalli while watching her code right in front of her. I wish we could have met under different circumstances, but God put us together for a reason. We are here to get each other through this.

Amy, you are a blessing in my life and I know that Kalli and Nolan are holding hands up there in Heaven and looking down on us. I know this. We will hold our babies for eternity when it's our time to go, I have faith in this.
Father Bob talked about our "faith journey" this past Sunday at church, and I honestly believe I have started my journey when this happened. I don't go to church because I have to, I go because I want to now. I go because I have to have faith in what I believe in. I am going to do everything in my power to have faith that I know I am doing everything to get to Heaven and hold my baby when that day comes. Thank you God for placing Amy in my life who is on this VERY same faith journey, we can do this together since we both have the same exact views. As Amy said, you can't have to KNOW that we will be there one day.

"Keep walking, you may trip and so will I. I am just glad that I found you to catch me and you have me to catch you. Sometimes we will fall together and that is when our babies will hold us tight"

That was one of Amy's sweet messages left of my facebook on one of my harder days. I love you Amy!

I am thankful for the friends that I have been connected with since June. As though I wish we could be friends under different circumstances. But these are the friends that "get it" these are the friends you can talk to that can actually say... "I know how you feel" They are the friends you can call and as bizarre as your feelings are, they can assure you that your feelings are normal, because they, themselves had the very same feelings. These friends are also the ones that give hope that with in time, it will get a little easier. Thank you for putting Johanna and Nikki in my life. Because of them, I know what I am going through is normal not I am not going crazy.

I have also come across MANY other baby loss mama's that have blogs. These blogs are ones I would never think about reading before this journey, but now I can't get enough of them. I have been introduced to the world of loss. As we are all in the same spot. Maybe different reasons caused us to be here, but we all have one thing in common, we have a baby in Heaven. And we all have the same questions, fears, hopes and prayers. I couldn't imagine going through this alone, and as we all know the world is not perfect. I am thankful for being connected to these new friends because they really know that our good days are just days the pain is dull.


Rachel H. said...

Such a blessing that you have someone with such a similar story around the same time that can walk through this with you...I'm praying for both of you!

cmatsukes said...

Ashley I am glad you have these friends to share this with it does help I feel Janet A. helps me with my moms passing. But remember a mom in heaven is just the reverse of your feelings My mom did not want to leave her babies behind she wanted so much to stay with us her babies, so I hope when I too can go to heaven and be with my mom again and all my relatives and also My Michael. I hope it will get easier for you I know you cant get over it I know I wont get over any of my losses they are always with me. Hugs Aunt Chris.

Alison said...

Noone understands what we are going through better than another loss mama. I have met a wonderful person as well who went through almost the same thing as me. Our stories are very similar except for our babies outcomes were a bit different. She has now gone on to have her rainbow baby and because of her, I feel like I can keep trucking forward. She has been a wonderful friend to chat with and to have given me support as well. I have never met her either, but next month I will meet her and two other loss mamas who I know and who have had their rainbow babies as well. I admit that it will be hard to see those babies, but those babies represent hope and courage. I need that hope right now!! I really do understand what you mean about your friend.