Halfway?

As of today at 13 weeks, I am halfway there.

26 weeks is when I came down with preeclampsia and delivered Nolan.

I’m not so sure what to think about it. I am hoping to get further than 26 weeks, I like to pretend I’ll have an normal pregnancy but the reality is it can happen at anytime.

Actually, I just want to have a non-IUGR baby make it to 24 weeks. That baby would already be bigger than our little guy Nolan. I think the next few scans are the most crucial for us. It will tell us if we are heading in a similar direction that we did with Nolan.

SO KEEP GROWING BABY!

Every week is a week closer. Hopefully 18 weeks is my true halfway mark considering I am c-sectioned at 36 weeks. Lets hope and pray I breeze through 2nd trimester since I never made it out of 2nd tri last time. It sure would be nice to see 3rd trimester this time.

It just makes me wonder, when? When will be my halfway?

On a brighter note, I have another ultrasound this morning. It’s the 2nd of the week and I am not complaining. I have to look on the bright side of being high risk, lots and lots of peeks at this baby.

Todays Thoughts

Today I am pregnant and I am thankful and love our new baby.

Today I have a baby growing ahead of schedule and that makes me smile.

Today I am starting to look at things a little more positive. (Well at least at this very moment)

Today, I in visioned what it will be like having a normal birth, room full of visitors passing around our baby and no NICU stay.

Today I wonder if this little one is a boy or girl and I get excited thinking about it.

Today I am just thankful I feel happy.

Today the nerves are set aside and I remember that I am thankful things are heading in the right direction. (for now)

Today I also understand how high risk I am and I am going to enjoy every second I get trying to have a naive blissful pregnancy. (May it be while only for the few minutes I write this post)

But tomorrow can be a whole new story. But I wanted to write this out so I can come back and read how I feel when things just seem right.

Lots

I have had lots of things going on. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I made a tough decision at work this week to leave night shift temporarily and go to a mid shift. I have been a night shifter for years now and it's something I love. I love the freedom, I love having Dr's trust at 3am when we call them, I love the people and love the money. But it was starting to be too much for this pregnancy to handle. I wasn't eating right, my sleep schedules were way off which usually is nothing, personality differences added stress and I have to treat this pregnancy different. I am losing money but at this rate, my health is over any extra money I can make. It's time for me to be selfish and I know this is not forever. I'll miss having my own assignments, because now instead I am a float to all the other therapist but it will be a much needed break on myself. In time, after we get a nice big baby home and safe, I can return to nights and maybe be weaned into the NICU. But right now, this is what is healthy for me and I am pretty darn excited about it.

Emotionally I am hanging in there, I met a girl who I have known for awhile but I feel God brought her into my life now. She is a beautiful, loving, lost young women. I have known her for a few years now but her story hits home a lot closer since losing Nolan. She too also lost a baby at 23 days old in the NICU. A beautiful baby girl named Nadia. I have spent so much time talking to her the past 2 weeks about grieving, hope, praying. This girl lost everything after she lost her baby, her house, her job, her husband...everything. She had some friends who weren't the greatest of influences and has now been battling a drug habit because it was how she self medicated at the time. Now she is working on becoming clean, facing the grief and moving her life forward. I gave her a copy of "I Will Carry You" and she said she already started it. I told her I was here for her to listen and help her the best I could. I connected her with a wonderful therapist that helped me. So I am hoping and praying that I get to watch her grow back into herself and get healthy. I told her something that a very special someone told me,

"You can grieve how ever you want to and don't let others tell you how to grieve- it's a personal journey, but as long as you are not hurting yourself"

I just want to help her, I want her to have the support and resources I had. I want to see her genuinely smile again. I know you can do it D! I have so much faith in you!

We had our first appointment with MFM yesterday. I was nervous and hopeful for it. I will always see them as the "bad news Dr" given the fact they told me Nolan was sick and would die in utero, and to go home and grieve. (nice huh)

So I wasn't sure what to expect yesterday. Chris and my Mom both couldn't get out of work at the last minute so Val and my good friend Ashley (OB nurse) came with me. The baby is doing so so so so good so far. The little one is measuring 3 DAYS ahead of schedule at 12 weeks 6 days. The fluid so far looks normal and I couldn't have been happier. I am still not sure what to think of how the MFM part of it went. I think I am just spoiled with my OB, she makes me feel protected and watched and this guy kind of gave me the opposite. Thankfully I had Ashley there who understood more of what I wasn't listening to. I guess I was only hearing what I didn't want to hear so I was pretty upset leaving the appointment. I guess I expected more.

I have another ultrasound, it's my "every 2 weeks" scan on Fri with my favorite ultrasound tech so we will see what his growth looks like then. Until then, rest and healthy diet. I sure am growing, I was convinced it was all chunk until the tech was all over my belly looking at this kid, I came home and noticed I am starting to have that bump. Kind of starting to feel real.

But it's ok. I have one awesome OB who in the end, she matters, she cares and I feel 110% comfortable with her. I'm always going to have to expect grim reports from MFM, I just wish I could find one of those AWESOME ones that some of you are able to find. They seem hard to find.

Kooper's Caringbridge site

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kooperwelch

Hitting Home

You want to think bad things don't happen twice to good people. You want to think that when a person goes through one life changing bad thing, they can not endure anymore because they will not be dealt with those cards again. Right?

That's how I feel people view this pregnancy. I hear it all the time now, things such as,

"Stay positive"

"Stop stressing"

"I know this is the one"

"Nothing is going to go bad, you already went through enough"

Sure, I would LOVE to believe those things, I really would. And in fact, I have been staying positive and I have been doing good considering our situation. But when it all comes down to it, there is a reality. And it really hit home last week. Just as Amy wrote in her guest blog just one week before she was admitted.

I talked to Amy, FINALLY. I talked to her for a long time about her, Kooper, her week stay, her delivery, her feelings, Kalli, similarities and how scary it is that we can get sick again and that we don't get a guarantee to go to full term. We don't get a "Get our of Jail" free card because we lost a baby.

I just wonder, am I next? I mean I am only 15 weeks away from when I delivered Nolan. I will be OVER THE MOON if this baby stays ahead of schedule because that means no severe IUGR. But I do fully understand the severity of pre-eclampsia and how it can bear it's ugly head at any time and that I am at a HUGE risk, just like Amy was. I am under some of the best care just like Amy, I am watching my body like a hawk, just like Amy and I know with my OB, MFM I am as safe as I can be just like Amy. I know to listen to my body, I know things can happen and I know not to hesitate if I feel something is off. I am just praying, hoping and wishing that this baby is non-IUGR and I can make it past 26 weeks. It's a scary thought, but with Amy delivering Kooper this week... it all really just sums up how unpredictable this disease is. In our case, what is the point of a due date?! Honestly.

It just feels like your a ticking time bomb, no other way to describe it. And Amy has been telling me from day 1 that's how she has felt this whole time.

On a lighter note,

Amy is doing well, and Kooper is holding strong for a 2lb baby. She is relieved that they saved him before her body got sicker. He is in a safe place and she knows that and she feels relieved. We are both SO thankful that he isn't growth restricted and that in itself makes a HUGE difference. She plans on starting a new caringbridge site sometime today for baby Kooper and when she gets that up and running, I will for sure share with you all.

We are just so thankful he arrived safely, kicking, crying and has some of the best NICU care there is. Kick all that mumbo jumbo, 'arriving early stuff' because in the end... he made it here in the first place. He is a miracle baby, just like Kalli. Good job mama, you did so well and I am so proud of your fight for Kooper.

Kooper Robert James W.

2lbs 1oz

Picture compliments of Amy's cousin Mindy

If there was one baby I would like to see grow from a preemie size, with a birthday so close to Nolan's.... it would be Kooper. I admit this will not be easy, but I feel so connected already. Bless your little heart Kooper, you have so many people routing for you and 2 perfect little angels watching over you. Now grow baby, GROW!

Kalli's Baby Brother

Please send Amy & Scott a million prayers today and in the coming weeks and months.

Baby Kooper was born at 27 weeks today.

Amy's BP went back up and the decided to deliver the baby, she had a baby boy. They are still working on him and I'm still waiting to hear how big he is. Amy is doing okay according to her cousin, just waking up but sore from surgery.

I hate pre-eclampsia. It's unpredictable, can strike twice and bear it's ugly head when ever it wants no matter all the precautions that are taken.

Bless Amy's Family with lots of love and prayers, they will need it.

Nolan’s 1st Birthday

It was a good day and I knew it would be. Out of the entire week, I was looking forward to celebrating his birthday the most because it was his life. A life one Dr assured me wouldn’t happen. The hardest parts of the day were in the morning when I was replaying everything in my head. At this ‘time last year’, I was being prepped for OR, at ‘this time’ last year I was getting my spinal… ect ect. After that passed I was fine. Then later on at the very end of the day, it really hit me that Nolan isn’t here like he should be to celebrate. So I did have a break down, but the Glee episode made it all better. So what the heck did we do for his birthday?

We spent the day out on the boat.

     

Had a family dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise.

   The cupcakes I made the night before with my Mom, dad and Aunt. Turned out pretty awesome huh? Even though I accidently licked super glue vs frosting, that was fun.

My favorite part of the day was singing Happy Birthday to Nolan. It was a bittersweet moment and it brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness for a life we were given but tears of sadness because it seemed so ass backwards singing to our baby at a gravesite.

 

(Like my awesome anchor/rope headband, my best friend made it just for me and said it’s a ‘one and only’. But that was until I demanded her to make one for a giveaway- so that will be next week. FUN)

We all released balloons after with little notes to Nolan and loved ones in Heaven.

   In all, it was a great day of celebration. I love my lil guy and I wanted the best birthday party I could give him. I think he would be proud.

Today

Today, I walked into the same doors I so sadly left one year ago today. But this time, I walked out with new ultrasound pictures of our growing little one and a smile instead of tears.

I won't lie, it was hard. My stomach was in knots and I was a mess but I got through it. As soon as I heard the heartbeat I cried, tears of happiness. The baby is still measuring ahead and had a perfect heartbeat of 171. The baby was moving all over the place and we got some good pictures.

So I survived today so far, and I am so glad we did our ultrasound today. It really made me be thankful on a day that it's so hard to be.

So now we're going to visit Nolan and release the butterflies my good friend sent us today. Hopefully the rain holds off and we can get some good pictures.

Keep the prayers coming for Amy, she is holding steady but is very sick. I'll update more when I hear from her again.