Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I have had lots of things going on. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I made a tough decision at work this week to leave night shift temporarily and go to a mid shift. I have been a night shifter for years now and it's something I love. I love the freedom, I love having Dr's trust at 3am when we call them, I love the people and love the money. But it was starting to be too much for this pregnancy to handle. I wasn't eating right, my sleep schedules were way off which usually is nothing, personality differences added stress and I have to treat this pregnancy different. I am losing money but at this rate, my health is over any extra money I can make. It's time for me to be selfish and I know this is not forever. I'll miss having my own assignments, because now instead I am a float to all the other therapist but it will be a much needed break on myself. In time, after we get a nice big baby home and safe, I can return to nights and maybe be weaned into the NICU. But right now, this is what is healthy for me and I am pretty darn excited about it.

Emotionally I am hanging in there, I met a girl who I have known for awhile but I feel God brought her into my life now. She is a beautiful, loving, lost young women. I have known her for a few years now but her story hits home a lot closer since losing Nolan. She too also lost a baby at 23 days old in the NICU. A beautiful baby girl named Nadia. I have spent so much time talking to her the past 2 weeks about grieving, hope, praying. This girl lost everything after she lost her baby, her house, her job, her husband...everything. She had some friends who weren't the greatest of influences and has now been battling a drug habit because it was how she self medicated at the time. Now she is working on becoming clean, facing the grief and moving her life forward. I gave her a copy of "I Will Carry You" and she said she already started it. I told her I was here for her to listen and help her the best I could. I connected her with a wonderful therapist that helped me. So I am hoping and praying that I get to watch her grow back into herself and get healthy. I told her something that a very special someone told me,

"You can grieve how ever you want to and don't let others tell you how to grieve- it's a personal journey, but as long as you are not hurting yourself"

I just want to help her, I want her to have the support and resources I had. I want to see her genuinely smile again. I know you can do it D! I have so much faith in you!

We had our first appointment with MFM yesterday. I was nervous and hopeful for it. I will always see them as the "bad news Dr" given the fact they told me Nolan was sick and would die in utero, and to go home and grieve. (nice huh)

So I wasn't sure what to expect yesterday. Chris and my Mom both couldn't get out of work at the last minute so Val and my good friend Ashley (OB nurse) came with me. The baby is doing so so so so good so far. The little one is measuring 3 DAYS ahead of schedule at 12 weeks 6 days. The fluid so far looks normal and I couldn't have been happier. I am still not sure what to think of how the MFM part of it went. I think I am just spoiled with my OB, she makes me feel protected and watched and this guy kind of gave me the opposite. Thankfully I had Ashley there who understood more of what I wasn't listening to. I guess I was only hearing what I didn't want to hear so I was pretty upset leaving the appointment. I guess I expected more.

I have another ultrasound, it's my "every 2 weeks" scan on Fri with my favorite ultrasound tech so we will see what his growth looks like then. Until then, rest and healthy diet. I sure am growing, I was convinced it was all chunk until the tech was all over my belly looking at this kid, I came home and noticed I am starting to have that bump. Kind of starting to feel real.

But it's ok. I have one awesome OB who in the end, she matters, she cares and I feel 110% comfortable with her. I'm always going to have to expect grim reports from MFM, I just wish I could find one of those AWESOME ones that some of you are able to find. They seem hard to find.


Lauren said...

I'm glad to hear that the baby is ahead of schedule and healthy! That is wonderful news. I think you made the right decision to stop work nights for now. Like you said, you can always go back, but for now your health and the baby's health is most important.


Alex said...

I'm so happy to hear everything is going well! It doesn't surprise me though.. you have an amazing little boy watching over you and his little brother/sister :)


Brie said...

Even though you aren't blogging as much these days, I think about you every day, and wonder how you're managing. I am proud of you for taking some of the stress out the equation with work & relationships and all. That's not always an easy decision.

Too bad about the business-only MFM..I would think that they would be a it more caring actually...seeing as most the families they treat, have had a loss or complication in their history. Ah well, so long as he is good at what he does, and Nolan's baby sibling is kept as safe as can be...I suppose that is the most important thing. Xoxoxo

Angie said...

I love my MFM but I don't love the hospital and especially the NICU team, so I'm actually thinking of switching. But yeah, one of the MFM's I call "Dr.Prick".

Glad you are still measuring ahead! And good call on switching shifts.

Cecilia said...

I can agree with you on the MFM part. Our visit with them was okay I guess, but in some ways it was like talking to a machine. Maybe they are just conditioned from dealing with so many hard things?

Yea for little one measuring ahead of schedule!

Lisette said...

Hooray that the baby is ahead of schedule. Glad to hear everything is going well. Can't wait to see those baby bump pictures.

I pray your friend gets her life back together soon. You are an awesome friend and a blessing to her.

Michelle said...

Happy to hear that your little is doing so well! You are such an inspiration for so many with taking this girl under your wings and helping her through her grieving. She really needs you right now.


babyrndeb said...

wish you could find an awesome MGM guy...we've got a couple out here...but that is a LONG way to travel!!
I struggled with going to days a few years back also - I held a management position on nights but needed to go to days since I was a single mom and was going to have two girls in high school (I ddin't feel it was good for them to be home at night alone....too much temptation) I too worried about losing that atonamy and the loss of finanaces ~ but as God would have it - I never noticed a difference! In fact I think I make more now than I did on nights and I sure feel more 'normal'
Best of luck to you as you make your decisions!!

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I don't comment often but I'm really glad to hear things are going well for you!

Mina said...

I'm happy to hear everything is going well!

ryansmom said...

Glad to hear you're being selfish. You know your body best so do what you need to do. I'll keep your friend "D" in my thoughts and prayers. She is lucky to have a friend like you. I'm also excited to hear that the little one is growing ahead of schedule. Both of you are in my prayers as well. Take care of yourself.

cmatsukes said...

Good to hear the good news I think you are making a good decision with the nights thing. You can always go back to it. I do miss you on FB though, but you have to do what is right for you. Please keep us updated on your blog. Hugs Aunt Chris.

Maggie said...

You're amazing

johannanurse said...

Gosh, Ive felt like a "blog stalker" checking everyday to see when you would post a new entry! Glad to hear you are working with and talking to "D". That is probably therapy for the both of you. As far as MFM, I would only see Dr. Mc. I refused appts with all the others. He was very kind and caring with me. Dr F is one in a million and I am so glad we both have her. And Im soooo proud of Baby D for growing! Grow Baby Grow! Love ya!

Bluebird said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I'm sorry I've been so horrible about reading and commenting lately, but please know how special you are to me. (I know that sounds *really* creepy, I hope you take it as intended!)

So glad things are going well.

Ruby said...

how great that you can lend a hand to someone you know is having a rough time just as you are. its great when others can help i think it helps heal you as well.

Saffy said...

Brilliant news on baby's growth!! My MFM is what I called the "doom and gloom merchant" - but I'll tell you what, she got us thru it and you'll know what I mean when I say that seeing her smile widely for the first time gave a new meaning to happy. Yeah. I take my hat off to MFM's - what a job.

Your story about that poor lady, ugh. Makes me want to give her a big cuddle.

Jessica said...

the problem with MFM's is that they are not accessible. I find my ob is much more accessible and yes, I feel spoiled with them. *hugs*

MissingYouAlways said...

her story sounds alot like mine as well. lost my job, husband and started drugs after my son passed..

luckily i stopped months ago.
but it was a battle.

I also stopped working this pregnancy. you have to go with your gut girl! if you feel its best for you and baby!


Betty said...

You got to do what you got to do as far as your health and job go. Saying a prayer for your friend. Grow baby grow!

Jill said...

You are so wonderful to help and talk with this girl. I always tell myself I wouldnt have made it this far without all of you guys and moms from inspire.com. Yes my family & friends were there, but I remember I pushed my family away right after losing my sweet Naomi, and just wanted to be with friends. You did the right thing about your working nights! I am more than sure you can go back to work nights there after having your sweet baby! I am always thinking about you Ashley, as lots of us are! We are all a big family.