Lots

I have had lots of things going on. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I made a tough decision at work this week to leave night shift temporarily and go to a mid shift. I have been a night shifter for years now and it's something I love. I love the freedom, I love having Dr's trust at 3am when we call them, I love the people and love the money. But it was starting to be too much for this pregnancy to handle. I wasn't eating right, my sleep schedules were way off which usually is nothing, personality differences added stress and I have to treat this pregnancy different. I am losing money but at this rate, my health is over any extra money I can make. It's time for me to be selfish and I know this is not forever. I'll miss having my own assignments, because now instead I am a float to all the other therapist but it will be a much needed break on myself. In time, after we get a nice big baby home and safe, I can return to nights and maybe be weaned into the NICU. But right now, this is what is healthy for me and I am pretty darn excited about it.

Emotionally I am hanging in there, I met a girl who I have known for awhile but I feel God brought her into my life now. She is a beautiful, loving, lost young women. I have known her for a few years now but her story hits home a lot closer since losing Nolan. She too also lost a baby at 23 days old in the NICU. A beautiful baby girl named Nadia. I have spent so much time talking to her the past 2 weeks about grieving, hope, praying. This girl lost everything after she lost her baby, her house, her job, her husband...everything. She had some friends who weren't the greatest of influences and has now been battling a drug habit because it was how she self medicated at the time. Now she is working on becoming clean, facing the grief and moving her life forward. I gave her a copy of "I Will Carry You" and she said she already started it. I told her I was here for her to listen and help her the best I could. I connected her with a wonderful therapist that helped me. So I am hoping and praying that I get to watch her grow back into herself and get healthy. I told her something that a very special someone told me,

"You can grieve how ever you want to and don't let others tell you how to grieve- it's a personal journey, but as long as you are not hurting yourself"

I just want to help her, I want her to have the support and resources I had. I want to see her genuinely smile again. I know you can do it D! I have so much faith in you!

We had our first appointment with MFM yesterday. I was nervous and hopeful for it. I will always see them as the "bad news Dr" given the fact they told me Nolan was sick and would die in utero, and to go home and grieve. (nice huh)

So I wasn't sure what to expect yesterday. Chris and my Mom both couldn't get out of work at the last minute so Val and my good friend Ashley (OB nurse) came with me. The baby is doing so so so so good so far. The little one is measuring 3 DAYS ahead of schedule at 12 weeks 6 days. The fluid so far looks normal and I couldn't have been happier. I am still not sure what to think of how the MFM part of it went. I think I am just spoiled with my OB, she makes me feel protected and watched and this guy kind of gave me the opposite. Thankfully I had Ashley there who understood more of what I wasn't listening to. I guess I was only hearing what I didn't want to hear so I was pretty upset leaving the appointment. I guess I expected more.

I have another ultrasound, it's my "every 2 weeks" scan on Fri with my favorite ultrasound tech so we will see what his growth looks like then. Until then, rest and healthy diet. I sure am growing, I was convinced it was all chunk until the tech was all over my belly looking at this kid, I came home and noticed I am starting to have that bump. Kind of starting to feel real.

But it's ok. I have one awesome OB who in the end, she matters, she cares and I feel 110% comfortable with her. I'm always going to have to expect grim reports from MFM, I just wish I could find one of those AWESOME ones that some of you are able to find. They seem hard to find.