Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hitting Home

You want to think bad things don't happen twice to good people. You want to think that when a person goes through one life changing bad thing, they can not endure anymore because they will not be dealt with those cards again. Right?

That's how I feel people view this pregnancy. I hear it all the time now, things such as,

"Stay positive"
"Stop stressing"
"I know this is the one"
"Nothing is going to go bad, you already went through enough"

Sure, I would LOVE to believe those things, I really would. And in fact, I have been staying positive and I have been doing good considering our situation. But when it all comes down to it, there is a reality. And it really hit home last week. Just as Amy wrote in her guest blog just one week before she was admitted.

I talked to Amy, FINALLY. I talked to her for a long time about her, Kooper, her week stay, her delivery, her feelings, Kalli, similarities and how scary it is that we can get sick again and that we don't get a guarantee to go to full term. We don't get a "Get our of Jail" free card because we lost a baby.

I just wonder, am I next? I mean I am only 15 weeks away from when I delivered Nolan. I will be OVER THE MOON if this baby stays ahead of schedule because that means no severe IUGR. But I do fully understand the severity of pre-eclampsia and how it can bear it's ugly head at any time and that I am at a HUGE risk, just like Amy was. I am under some of the best care just like Amy, I am watching my body like a hawk, just like Amy and I know with my OB, MFM I am as safe as I can be just like Amy. I know to listen to my body, I know things can happen and I know not to hesitate if I feel something is off. I am just praying, hoping and wishing that this baby is non-IUGR and I can make it past 26 weeks. It's a scary thought, but with Amy delivering Kooper this week... it all really just sums up how unpredictable this disease is. In our case, what is the point of a due date?! Honestly.

It just feels like your a ticking time bomb, no other way to describe it. And Amy has been telling me from day 1 that's how she has felt this whole time.

On a lighter note,

Amy is doing well, and Kooper is holding strong for a 2lb baby. She is relieved that they saved him before her body got sicker. He is in a safe place and she knows that and she feels relieved. We are both SO thankful that he isn't growth restricted and that in itself makes a HUGE difference. She plans on starting a new caringbridge site sometime today for baby Kooper and when she gets that up and running, I will for sure share with you all.

We are just so thankful he arrived safely, kicking, crying and has some of the best NICU care there is. Kick all that mumbo jumbo, 'arriving early stuff' because in the end... he made it here in the first place. He is a miracle baby, just like Kalli. Good job mama, you did so well and I am so proud of your fight for Kooper.
Kooper Robert James W.
2lbs 1oz

Picture compliments of Amy's cousin Mindy

If there was one baby I would like to see grow from a preemie size, with a birthday so close to Nolan's.... it would be Kooper. I admit this will not be easy, but I feel so connected already. Bless your little heart Kooper, you have so many people routing for you and 2 perfect little angels watching over you. Now grow baby, GROW!


Cecilia said...

He's precious!

manuelsmommy said...

I've just recently come to know of your blog and I don't believe I've ever commented before...I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this second pregnancy is for you! No matter what anyone says, you have to always be thinking, "what if". I saw it with my sister, after she losts her triplet sons, with her next pregnancy. As a mother, I'm sure I'd be feeling the same way if I experienced what you and have your husband have gone through. I will be praying that everything goes well for you!!! I will also be praying for Kalli's little brother. What a beautiful little boy!

Love and prayers,
Christina Gomez

Lisette said...

Kooper is so precious, praying he grows and grows.
I wish we had a free card, so we didn't have to stress so much but that is not realistic. God is in control and we just need to believe that he knows what he is doing. I am praying for you as well my dear. I want to see you with baby in arms.

Melissa said...

Such a sweet little baby. I hope that the next weeks go by without anything happening and you get WAY past where you got to last time.

MissingYouAlways said...

my boyfriend keeps telling me "This pregnancy is going to be fine, nothing is going to go wrong" yada yada.
but when you have lost a baby in the past. you are ALWAYS going to worry.
when I was pregnant with Jordan I was so naive thinking nothing could possibly go wrong. now here I am getting my first u/s and scared of all the things that COULD be wrong. not the same joy and care free feeling I felt my first pregnancy.
and honestly the "nothing bad will happen this time" comments make me angry because I KNOW it can happen again.

I will be praying for baby kooper and his family, and for you and your lil bean as well.

Lori said...

Praying for that precious little one...and you are right--as well-meaning as it is to hear people say, "Don't worry, this one will be ok,"

You know in your heart, it may not.

And so you pray for the strength to make it through whatever.

Thinking of you.

Mitzi G. said...

I don't know where you get your strenght but I wish I had even an ounce of it.

I will keep you all in my prayers & Koop is such a cutie; he may be a little guy but I bet he is a fighter!!!

daisybv2 said...

Praying for Amy and baby Kooper I am so sorry to hear of both you and Amy's losses. I have a son who is 18 months old and was born at 27w4d he is perfect. Stay strong and little Kooper will be perfect too.

Thinking of Both of you guys

ryansmom said...

Keeping you, Amy, and precious Kooper in my thoughts and prayers.

Maddie said...

You said it best - Grow, Kooper, Grow.

And I find the well-meaning comments difficult to deal with as well because of what we know. Hang in there and I'm hoping you get to a good gestation.

Maddie x

Saffy said...

Kooper looks GREAT!!! Go 2lb of fighting spirit :)

Ashley, I would NEVER give you those trite 'things will be different' lines because we know that PE has its own mind and it does feel like a time bomb (I remember feeling like I was screaming inside my own head with fear). However, you're under brilliant care, are on meds that you didn't have last time and are hyper vigilant. Really there is no more that you could be doing. I really hope that the fact that baby is measuring well is making you feel a touch of confidence? Hopefully when you have that 24 week scan and your lovely little baby is growing nice and big, and your arterial doppler scan goes smoothly, you'll be able to breathe a small sigh :) That's my eternal hope for all PE mommies carrying their precious rainbow cargo.

Hugs to you, Amy and precious little Kooper >:D<

Betty said...

Keeping you, Amy and little Kooper in my prayers. (((Hugs)))

Holly said...

Praying Kooper keeps growing and that he thrives.

I def don't feel I get a 'free pass'. Quite the opposite. I am very acutely aware that it can happen again and it feels like my odds are higher even though I know they aren't. Reality really sucks sometimes!

Erin said...

Prayers for Kooper's strength & growth!! He is so handsome!

Maggie said...

Kooper is a precious baby! And I'm thinking of you Ashley. Hang in there! You're always on my mind. :)

Courtney said...

Is relieved that you finally put something on here about Amy's baby! I am glad to hear that the little guy is doing so well, I say a little pray everyday for having been able to have healthy babies to term. God works in amazing ways and I believe that little boy will have a strong fight in him with the help of his big sister hands in heaven. God is Good and we need to keep on praying for this little guy!
I have enjoyed reading your blog Ashley and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts as you go through your pregnancy nothing is stronger then prayers!

Carly said...


I know this situation all to well. As you know I lost my first little guy 1.2lbs. who was a 26wks. and I now have one little guy at home (he was a 3 lber. at 32 wks.) Both of my boys were born way too early because of severe pree. I am here for you and Amy both if either of you want to talk, as I have been where you both are now. I am praying so hard for Amy, baby Kooper (so cute!), and of course for you and your family.

Candace said...

I've just recently stumbled across your blog and I just wanted to stop being a "lurker" and tell you how much I admire you and your husband and how much I respect your strength through everything that you've been through. I say daily prayers for you and yours and wish you much health and happiness in your current pregnancy. I look forward to hearing more from your blog!

Jessica said...

he is beautiful!!

I definitely get your feelings. I feel like a ticking time bomb every day.