Sunday, November 8, 2009

Dear Nolan,

Happy 5 month birthday little guy. I guess I wouldn't consider you an infant anymore being that you would have been 5 months. I know you would still be pretty small, but still be 5 months! I miss you so much and I know I should write you more but your probably sick of hearing me say the same thing over and over again. I feel like a broken record most the time. I just want you to know that you are thought of often. There is not one moment that goes by that I don't think about you or how big you would be or what milestones you would be approaching.

I promised myself I would never look up what your milestones would be given a certain age.But I just can't help myself. So according to
  • You would be able to reach accurately for an object and hold your head steady when sitting upright.

  • You would be able to roll over in one direction.

  • You would pay attention to very small objects and be able to squeal with delight with spontaneously smiles.

Amazing to think with as small as you were, you would be able to do these things. God I wish I could have experienced this with you baby.

5 months ago right now, your grandma was begging me to take her up to meet you in the NICU. I made her wait all day because I didn't want her to meet you without me there. I guess you could say Mommy wasn't feeling so good after my surgery and had a hard time staying awake let alone get out of bed, so poor Gma had to wait a long time. You were the ONLY reason I got out of that bed. I would do anything now to sit with you every second and every minute you lived in the NICU. I regret not spending all that extra time with you more than anything. I took the time here you had for granted and thought I had all the time in the world to spend with you. I was selfish and took a lot of that time to heal. I knew you were in great hands and I didn't want to annoy your nurses with my presence. But now I look back on it and I know they would have let me sit there for hours upon hours if I wanted to. I even remember them asking me if I wanted a chair, but I declined and just used my IV pole to stay steady.

My favorite thing about watching you was when you would kick your little legs like crazy. You had so much life to you. There was not a doubt that you were weak, at least you didn't show it. You held on to your daddy's finger and kicked your huge feet against my hands. I just wish I could go back and feel that one more time. You were so real, more real than anything in this world and as time passes, I feel like those moments are slipping away. Not the moments of you, but the details of the moment. I guess all that matters is you.
Nolan, I just want you back here with me and your Daddy. Your Daddy misses you SO much. He is always talking about you. He visits you all the time and every time he leaves, he gives you a kiss with his hand. He misses you Nolan, you made his day when you came out crying. A 6'7" tall man who is one not to share his emotions, he shed tears. You melted that mans heart and I know if you were still here you would have you wrapped around his huge fingers.

I love you Nolan. I am trying to live my new normal and I know you are the one helping me get though it. But some days are harder than others and on those days I think extra about you. I have had a few rough weeks and all I can think about is how I wouldn't be dealing with any of this had you been able to stay here. Here with your Mommy and Daddy. We leave on our cruise in your memory in 16 days and as much as I am excited for it, I wish we weren't going because it would mean you were here. Our next cruise was planned for when you were 6 months old and your Grandmas and Grandpa's, Aunts and Uncle were all going to come. But it's amazing how things can change in a blink of an eye.

I pray that your keeping an eye out for a very special brother or sister to send our way in the coming months. I know you will keep him/her safe through out the pregnancy, I know you know how hard we fought for you and will do the same in the future. I love you baby boy, I am sure you are growing like a weed up there in Heaven. I am sure you are being well taken care of.

I promise Nolan, I will live every second of everyday just for you.
Your Mommy

P.S. Just listen Nolan, it's like I am singing you a lulluby. This is a perfect song, no words to describe it. I love you.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you


Courtney said...

Oh Ashley, I too am so sorry that we had to meet on such heartbreaking similar terms. Knowing that our sons were born healthy and that this terrible syndrome hurt them and took them away. It breaks my heart over and over again.

This was a beautiful letter to your son.

Thank you for stopping by. I hope to learn more about you and your beautiful family.


oli said...

I do not know you but came across your blog. I had to just share my thoughts.
You are a beautiful mother...

Lianne said...

Oh, what a sweetheart. Those tiny little feet kicking like a warrior. I wish I could have seen my son move at least once in the outside world... Nolan is such a perfect name. How did you come about deciding it, and what does it mean?

Leslie said...


Do you read the mom's blog from that youtube video? She is the wife of a Christian Music Singer and she blogged literally everyday from the time she found out her daughter wouldn't survive after birth...and still does to this day.

If you do not know about her blog here it is:

I think you might find some comfort from her words and experiences...

Leslie (rebekah's sister)