Saturday, November 7, 2009

Secret Garden (October)

The Secret Garden

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 5 months since we lost Nolan and to tell you the truth everyday is different. Right now in
this moment, I feel angry and hopeless. I have cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 2 months, but I am starting to feel it more since the shock is wearing off and reality sets in. But I 'feel' better.. I laugh more, I am more in tuned with others, and I get out and enjoy more. But when the moments of reality hits, I just seem to feel it more.

I think I am angry because I want answers. Isn't that simple enough to ask for? I am angry because I didn't spend more time with Nolan when he was alive. I am angry because I wonder if any of this could have been prevented, even though they tell me no way. I am angry because I have been told to get 'help I need' and that I live in a 'dark world'. I'm angry at that because I know I am doing SO much better then I was even just 1 month ago. I am just angry because all the stress and problems I have with friends or work wouldn't even be a sparkle in my eye if Nolan was still here.

But then when the anger subsides, I am pleasantly surprised with how well I am doing.They say there are those 5 stages of grief and boy do I feel them all and all at different times. I am learning what a grief journey is really all about. I guess you could say I never put much thought to it because I never really had to go through it.

As far as the future, I want to say I have endless amounts of hope and faith but I just don't. That's probably because I had so much hope with Nolan and look where we ended up. I am afraid of never bringing a baby of our own home. I am afraid we will never enjoy that blissful carefree pregnancy. I still have jealousy lurking in the shadows of other pregnancies & babies and I really don't think that will ever go away until we bring a little brother or sister home. I will still avoid baby talk with others even when we get pregnant again, that's just how it will be.

I have found some peace, it comes in small bits here and there. People say they see a huge improvement in me. I try my best to fulfill everyday to it's fullest. I have gone out and traveled, met new friends, connected with old and am functioning at work. I have met some wonderful 'new' friends who live in the 'dark world' (insert sarcastic voice here) and have found them to be my therapy since we are each in a different part of this journey and I have also helped a few through the beginning of their journey. To me, this blog & other Mother's who know this pain have been my biggest help. Because on your worst days, they don't hold it against you for hurting....they just 'get it'

I am looking forward to joining a bereavement group at my church that is starting this month. I am not all sure what it all involves but it wouldn't hurt to try it. I also want to reach out to new loss Mom's in the NICU at our hospital. I think it is what Nolan would want me to do, help others. I'm to that point that I feel like I can help a new Mom get through those first few weeks. Without Johanna telling me my feelings are completely normal and valid, I think I would have gone crazy. She was just coming up on the 2 year anniversary of losing her baby, Eli and she promised me it does get easier, but that pain is always there. I am finding out, she is 100% right.

One step in front of the other, deep breath, don't be afraid to smile when crying and remember... I
am alive.


Rachel H. said...

I know that it can't be easy, but as always, I'm praying for you and your family and thinking of you and knowing that everything will work out! :)

Brie said...

Huge hug to you Ashley.

Angel Sophia's Mommy said...

Reading your story makes me so sad because I too hear the words of "get help" or "put it behind you" from people who are trying to say the right thing but are saying something that is totally WRONG. Just remember that you dont have to do anything that makes you forget Nolan! He was real and he was born and he LIVED! Even though it wasnt the life most people expect, he still did it and for that he should be honored and remembered!!! My prayers are with you and I am glad you are part of this community where we can all bond over this horrible reality that is now our new "normal"

Thinking of you and Baby Nolan!!!!!

Saffy said...

Reaching out to newly bereaved moms at your NICU sounds like a lovely thing to do, and a nice way to honor Nolan's life. I make christmas stockings for a NICU each year and like to think of that as my way of giving back for all they did for us.
Ignore the people who are giving you advice about your grief unless of course they are a professional or have walked in your shoes - I've ranted in the past that people shouldn't try and understand what it's like unless they've been there ;)

Once A Mother said...

Huge hugs. I can relate to so much that you wrote. I share your same reasons for being angry. Sending you prayers for peace in your heart.

Holly said...

You're right about every day being different. Some days you just can't predict how it's gonna be. I think it will be wonderful for you to help in the NICU with loss parents. I am sure those that will be helped will be much appreciative. Helping others is a great therapy.