Monday, November 2, 2009

One down, Few more to go

Halloween was awful. No way to sugar coat it, it was just plain awful. I wasn't even expecting it to be as bad as it was. The plans I made to distract me fell through so I found myself with Valorie going trick o treating with her and the boys. It sounds so simple and harmless but it wasn't. Strollers and infants dressed up walking right in front of us. Grrrr. The only thing that got me through the night was reminding myself that next year I WILL be walking with a stroller or a dressed up belly. I have to stay positive, right?

I can't believe we are approaching 5 months. 5 months we have been with out Nolan. Time has passed faster than I imagined and I am A-OK with that. These past few months have not been very pleasant needless to say. I lost Nolan, got behind in finances due to being out of work, Dad, Valorie, Cyrus and losing a few very close friends who failed to let me grieve or made me feel guilty about it. All of it makes me so sad.

But in the wake of everything, I have had a lot of good things happen to us that I should be thankful for. A lot of these get overshadowed by the overwhelming loss of Nolan and I need to address them. I have met many new people in the past few months- some that I never would have met if Chris never dragged me out of the house those nights. Some here in Ft Myers and some online. We just started meeting new people and sometimes it was easier to hang out with them because it was just something 'new'. I was able to talk all about Nolan, and these friends have been
absolutely amazing and continue to ask about him or share his story. I love it.

I am so excited and so thankful that we are going to Epcot this week to meet a very close friend that I have been friends with for over 2 years and never met in person (lol...crazy huh) We met while planning our weddings off of this online wedding board and have talked everyday since then. So Chris and I are driving up to Orlando to hang out with Reilly & her Husband for Food & Wine @ Epcot.

Then 3 weeks from tomorrow, we will be sailing away on the Ruby Princess for 10 days. We NEED to get away and relax with everything that has happened recently. Of course in retrospect, we shouldn't be going since if Nolan was here, we would be waiting to take him on his first cruise and wait until 2010. But, we are going for Nolan. This cruise is in honor of our little man and I promise to enjoy every second for him.

Only a few days after getting back from that, we have to fly to Cincy for my Dads Open Heart. We did book a nice hotel downtown for 2 of the nights over our anniversary (a few days after the actual surgery). I know my Dad feels bad we are there over our anniversary and this is what he would want us to do. Go out and have a nice dinner just to escape from the hospital. But at least our hotel is close to UC and Dad should be doing better by then. Lets hope, right? I have 100% confidence that Dad is going to do GREAT. I don't care how BIG and RISKY this surgery is, I have hope, something that has been absent in my life lately. He is in better shape than he was 7 weeks ago when he almost had the emergent surgery. So yes, I even purchased our tickets back home, because I know he will be ready to either be discharged or he will be doing just fine enough for us to leave.

Wow, this is a long blog. I guess I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I don't always write when the positive things are happening because quite frankly I am out trying to enjoy the moment when I have them. I do write a lot when I am upset or stuff is on my mind because to me, it's my therapy. Trust me, I am never looking for pity...just sharing my thoughts.

We are going to the luminary service tonight tonight at church. I am sure it is going to be absolutely beautiful and I am sure there will be a few tears shed. My Mom and I redecorated his flowers and his spot just for the service. I had to make sure it looked all nice and new. I even made a new laminated picture of him to replace his old one with.

Why do I have a laminated picture of him attached to his flowers you may ask? Well it started at his funeral. Valorie made it for me and I didn't have the heart to take it home after the service. I just wanted to leave his perfect picture with him. It was easier when we went to visit him, because I liked looking at his picture when I prayed to him or talked to him. I don't have years of memories that I can reflect on like you do when you lose an elder or adult. I have 2.5 short days, and for most of that I was high on pain meds and the memories get cloudy to me. So for me, it's easier to see his little face look at me when I talk to him. This is what I made...

This picture just shows how truely small he was. Unless you met him in person, like the few people that got to, it hard to realize how small he was. The nurses hands in the picures really do show you though.

God he was so perfect, everything about him... EVERYTHING. And as a stranger wrote to me today..
" You will never get over this, time doesn't heal like they all say or want, how can it when you lose something you loved more than yourself"


Rachel H. said...

Great post! And so many things coming up for you guys to keep your mind on your future and all the good things to come! Thinking of you! And love his site...I love the fall flowers and pumpkin!

Jen J. said...

That photo of little Nolan is so precious. You are such a strong woman & I continue to pray for you & Chris everyday.

Bluebird said...

Such true words. All of them.

gen said...

I have been following your blog since the day Nolan was born, your friends from the bump posted your blog on 3rd trimester asking for prayers for Nolan. I prayed for Nolan so hard and when he passed I mourned for him also. I still mourn for Nolan. I normally do not follow blogs or would ever feel compelled to contact someone that I don’t know, but I had to let you know how much Nolan means to me. It is hard to explain and I do not want to come of insensitive, but Nolan made me a better mother. Thank you for sharing Nolan with me, he touched my heart deeply. I hope your days become happy once again and wish you and your husband peace.