In one aspect, I am starting to feel so happy and excited. But then in another aspect I am completely stressed out and unsure of what I want to do. I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming weeks.
The cruise is getting closer and closer-thank god. Chris and I need to get away, relax, reflect and enjoy our time together. We deserve this. Now if I can just get a handle on this stress I would feel a tad bit better.
I am getting worried about this time of year. I have completely weaned myself off the meds I have been on since losing Nolan (they did wonders). At first I was surprising myself with the strength I was holding. But the past 2-3 weeks have been emotionally draining. I am sure it doesn't help having ADD so I am constantly switching thoughts in my head. BUT, I am doing good. Good as a Mom can be that doesn't have her son with her anymore. Honestly though, I have been 'feeling' my emotions more. The meds sure did mask them and sometimes I think it masked them too much. It's gotten a little hard watching friends babies slowly grow out of infants it makes me hurt for Nolan so much. I try to sit back and dream about what Nolan would be like, but the thoughts just make me sad. These are the last few weeks before I start reliving the months I was pregnant. It also happens to be the holiday times. Ahhhh, let this time pass quickly please. I am praying. My friends who are around me all the time, see my improvement and that makes me happy but I want to feel 'normal' again.
I miss the old me. No doubt about it. The Ashley that was carefree and loved life. I know some friends miss her too. Trust me, the old Ashley even loved going to work and talking to friends and co-workers. But lately I kinda just feel on social auto pilot and like a black sheep. I look forward to the day I am wearing Old Ashley shoes again, I know that day will come, it has to right?
I cried the other morning on the way home from work, a deep cry. One I sat in my car for minutes before I even pulled away. I turned on Nolan's song and cried. I just kept thinking about how all the stresses in my life currently or any of the problems I am experiencing right now... they wouldn't even exist IF Nolan was still here. None of them. I just want him back.
I just have to remember... I'm alive. Everyday I wake up, I have to lay there and think what's missing. Trust me, it takes a nanosecond to remember what our new life is about. Did this really happen to us? Am I sure it's not a bad nightmare? BUT, despite everything.. I crawl out of bed and remind myself, I'm alive and for now I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.