Friday, November 6, 2009

Unsure feelings

In one aspect, I am starting to feel so happy and excited. But then in another aspect I am completely stressed out and unsure of what I want to do. I have a lot of decisions to make in the coming weeks.

The cruise is getting closer and closer-thank god. Chris and I need to get away, relax, reflect and enjoy our time together. We deserve this. Now if I can just get a handle on this stress I would feel a tad bit better.

I am getting worried about this time of year. I have completely weaned myself off the meds I have been on since losing Nolan (they did wonders). At first I was surprising myself with the strength I was holding. But the past 2-3 weeks have been emotionally draining. I am sure it doesn't help having ADD so I am constantly switching thoughts in my head. BUT, I am doing good. Good as a Mom can be that doesn't have her son with her anymore. Honestly though, I have been 'feeling' my emotions more. The meds sure did mask them and sometimes I think it masked them too much. It's gotten a little hard watching friends babies slowly grow out of infants it makes me hurt for Nolan so much. I try to sit back and dream about what Nolan would be like, but the thoughts just make me sad. These are the last few weeks before I start reliving the months I was pregnant. It also happens to be the holiday times. Ahhhh, let this time pass quickly please. I am praying. My friends who are around me all the time, see my improvement and that makes me happy but I want to feel 'normal' again.

I miss the old me. No doubt about it. The Ashley that was carefree and loved life. I know some friends miss her too. Trust me, the old Ashley even loved going to work and talking to friends and co-workers. But lately I kinda just feel on social auto pilot and like a black sheep. I look forward to the day I am wearing Old Ashley shoes again, I know that day will come, it has to right?

I cried the other morning on the way home from work, a deep cry. One I sat in my car for minutes before I even pulled away. I turned on Nolan's song and cried. I just kept thinking about how all the stresses in my life currently or any of the problems I am experiencing right now... they wouldn't even exist IF Nolan was still here. None of them. I just want him back.

I just have to remember... I'm alive. Everyday I wake up, I have to lay there and think what's missing. Trust me, it takes a nanosecond to remember what our new life is about. Did this really happen to us? Am I sure it's not a bad nightmare? BUT, despite everything.. I crawl out of bed and remind myself, I'm alive and for now I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.


cmatsukes said...

I think you are getting better Ash I really do because I went through this with Michael and my Mom still grieving for my Mom yes I know it was not a child but a loss of any life is precious. You are on the right track you will get there it is a slow process. But you will get there I dont know if you saw my facebook page but we got some happiness on the 5th Makayla your happiness will come soon I know it will have fun on your cruise you do deserve concentrate on each other. Hugs and Love

Brie said...


Yes, you're alive..and you're doing this..You're getting through the hours, days, weeks and months since Nolan's death. You're doing it, mom. Surviving.

I think when grief hits, it's hard to see the big picture. It's easier to think about the here and now and the losses we've endured and what's been taken from us.

But, you HAVE to give yourself credit. You are getting through it all, day by day, step by step..because this is all any of us who have lost our children CAN do.

I don't "know" you personally, but I see myself in so many of the blogs you post, and thank you for your honesty and bluntness. Many times you are able to articulate into writing what I am unable to.

Just keep taking it step by step..and remember, we are alive, and well ( for the most part) (=

Bluebird said...

You are doing remarkably, dear friend. I'm very proud of you.


jamie said...

You are doing so great. You seem to have a good balance between honoring and talking about Nolan and moving on with the future.

You're not "stuck" - but you're not glossing over everything that happened either.

You are amazing!

I know what you mean about the old us shoes. I love work so much - but some people I am just not close to anymore since coming back. It is a constant reminder of how different everything should be. I hope someday things start to feel normal again for both of us.

You deserve some happy cruise breaks from life for a bit- you know I have always been not interested in cruises but your love of them has inspired me to try to get the hubby to go on one in a year :) I'm so looking forward to it!