Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Half of my heart

Half of my heart has a grip on our situation, and the other half is unspoken for. I haven't written a blog recently because I really can't figure out how I feel. On some days, I am doing fairly decent and on other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.
In by no means am I happy, carefree and anxiety free. I have just taught myself to get through my days with less pain in public and learn to appreciate what I do have.

I do have one of the biggest blessings God granted me with, a perfect little boy named Nolan who has moved mountains with his strength. I have a husband that loves me no matter what and stands by me in some of the most trying times we have been through. On my worst days, just his presence can make me feel better, call me cheesy but it's true. If we can get through this in our first year of marriage, I am pretty darn proud of ourselves and I am confident we can tackle anything. I have a wonderful family and I couldn't ask for better and some of the best friends a girl can ask for.

And I can't go with out mentioning, God blessed me with Amy (Kalli's Mom). Someone who is walking this path with me, unfortunately. She is the ONE person that knows what it feels like to go from pure bliss to watching your baby flat line right in front of you. We both watched our babies come into this world too early because of Pre-E, watched them fight, experience them leave this world as we stood and watched all the Dr's, RN's & RT's fight for them, and the one person that knows what it feels like to hold your baby for the first time when they cold and heartless. I know I talk about her all the time and I say the same thing over and over again. But I can't seem to express how much she means to me. We could just be 2 mothers with empty arms, living in 2 different states experiencing this pain in a world of our own and never know of each others existence. Instead, a mutual connection brought us together and we have been each others shoulders to cry on, yell at and talk about the few days we had with our angels. I talk to her every.single.night. and can't imagine going through this with out her. She is one of my bestest friends and we will forever be holding each others hands through life. I love you Amy. Thank you Amy, because of you I have been able to heal a little easier.

Back to my original thought, half my heart has accepted and the other half is...well, just there. It changes it's mind everyday how it feels. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am a mother to a special little boy. I fought for him, shared his story with the world and now need to focus on the good he brought into this world. He taught many many many people all over the world lessons. Some lessons I will never know of and some that have been shared with me. Why God chose our family to share with the world I will never know. In a way, I wish no one ever knew of our family because it would mean we were 'normal' going about everyday life and Nolan would be striving at home. Instead, I will try to make the most of what good came to our life..

A perfect little fighter with a lot to say but no chance to say it himself. Just his presence in this world did enough.

I love you Nolan, you will always be the strength I need to make it in this world and I only wish for one more day.


Rachel H. said...

Love your posts, and I love how you are communicating your feelings and allowing yourself to get it out there! I think that's so helpful! As always, I'm thinking of you! :)

Bluebird said...

I know, how I wish to be normal, too. I wish I never had to speak for my kids - I wish that they could speak for themselves. It's heartbreaking. But know that I am so, so proud of you for fighting for him and for speaking for him. And I feel confident that he would be too :) You're an incredible mother to a very special little boy. Even though sometimes I know it's hard to remember.

krousehouse said...

Hi, I ran across your bump post...want you to have hope, even though it is so hard. I know, my situation is so much like yours. It's been just over a year, and my heart still hurts every day. But, bright lights stand out, and I am pregnant again, with so much hope this time will be different. My heart goes out to you...

Holly said...

It really does help to have that close friend who knows exactly what you are going through. I'm glad you have her.

kcrussellphotography said...

I have often found myself saying I wish my son had lived a moment so I could have heard him cry. I don't know which is harder. But what I do know is the loss is so very real, and so very painful. You still had hope for your son after he was born that he could make it. There was no hope for my baby, he was gone before I even got to say hello. I think that what you experienced with your baby is more then most people could bare. Saying hello to say goodbye. I can't imagine the pain you carry with you. I know your son will have a legacy in this world and you can help others with similar stories through their darkest hours. Thank you for sharing his life with us. It is sad that us mothers connect under such circumstances but we are a community of amazingly strong woman who have endured a loss that will never leave us. Blessings to your family.