I am real sad and on the verge of tears. I know I was until the holidays, but that was for the pure fact that it meant our 6 months were up. I was even excited to see the Christmas stuff in the stores early because it meant it was right around the corner.
But just now I realized how sad Christmas makes me now. With the numerous commercials, holiday music on Grey's Anatomy tonight (what triggered this all) I hate Christmas and everything that comes with it this year. Nolan should be here, it should be his first Christmas. I should be singing him Silent Night and rocking him to sleep.
I'm the girl that has our up before thanksgiving, the 24 hour Christmas radio station programmed in my car and decorations all over the place. I love this time of year. This is is just so different. This year, no tree, no downloading my Xmas playlist on my ipod and no family dinners. I would rather just go to work and pretend it's a normal day. Thankfully, I live in Florida so at least it never 'feels' like Christmas to me and I am usually fighting to make it seem like it.
So I am sitting here watching the Christmas episode of Greys and it hit me... As bad as I wanted Christmas to come, it's now the one thing . The Christmas music they were playing made it all the more real.
I hate that I don't love everything about Christmas this year. I love the music, the decorations, commercials and now it's one big fat trigger of emptiness.
So if you have your baby, have children or are pregnant this holiday season, enjoy it. Embrace it. I would do anything not to have an empty holiday with just Chris and I.