Approaching

I am having one of those nights. It started of great. Dinner with two of my best friends at Carrabbas we sat outside and had GREAT conversation. Then we all went to a movie and tears fell from all 3 of our cheeks and we walked out with black mascara eyes. Couldn’t have asked for a better cliché of a girl’s night out.

And now that I am home and in a quiet house, I’m sitting here overwhelmed with thoughts. It’s like the pop out of nowhere. There are so many going through my head and I’m not so sure where to start. And I can promise you the sad movie started it.

I think it may be the fact that this Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and it was suppose to be my first happy one. I was suppose to be relaxing and taking a break from the hussle and bussle of raising a child. Last year’s wasn’t so ideal, what was suppose to be an exciting day was a day spent on the couch in a dark living room crying. It was just days after we were told our unborn child would not live and he was sick. We were still waiting on the amniocentesis results and in all honestly I could not enjoy the moment like I should have.

Now on to this year, what do I celebrate? Will people even remember? I work that night so maybe sleeping all day and ignoring it will be the cure? NO! I should be enjoying the day with my Mom and celebrating the fact that I AM a Mom. So being at work on this particular day will be a hard one.  I just never expected my first Mother’s Day would be spent without my baby, never thought me. So while all the other Mom’s are relaxing away from their children at spas and hoity toity brunches, all I will be able to think about is how all I want is to be WITH my child for Mother’s Day. And I simply can’t be and it hurts.

Then shortly after that, is the fast approaching year. June. In one aspect I am excited to celebrate his life, but then in another way I am dreading June 11th. One year since we said good bye. It’s going to be hard to feel that same weather and replay that morning watching Nolan be worked on and having to give up on him and leaving the hospital empty armed just a few hours later when I was discharged.  Only to go home and start this journey of grief. The journey I never expected to take. The journey that made me a new person. The journey I lost best friends to and the journey that gave me a new normal. My style of writing changed. My personality changed, my smile changed.

Everything changed.

My world as I knew it was forever changed. I’ve been told my strength shines through in my writing, but I promise I don’t feel it. I just had the courage to feel it. I didn’t run from it. I couldn’t. As bad as I wanted to remain sleeping so I could dream a life that wasn’t mine. I couldn’t. I had to wake up and face the day when there was nothing there to break up the darkness. I knew I wasn’t alone but it felt like it. I grieved out loud, I shared my thoughts and for me it was therapy. It WAS my therapy. It was why I continued to write and continued to share our Nolan.

Now that it’s approaching a year, people that weren’t closely affected have moved on. They live their days with out this unbearable grief and I envy those. I miss how I used to feel, I call it a naive happiness.All while I have learned to deal with it, learned to accept it and cope with it best I can. It’s how I want to live. But I don’t live like that anymore. I do miss it.  But the farther it gets from Nolan actually being here I am so afraid people will forget. And that those dates are quickly approaching.

Night shift

Today, I got NO sleep. I tossed and turned to fall asleep.

When I finally did, the lawn guys came to do the lawn. The industrial mowers for our entire complex and blowers running at the same time- awesome. They leave, I fall back asleep. Oh wait, I had to leave my phone on because I was waiting on an important call from my Doctors. A little bit later, I get a friendly courteous call from my father in the Caribbean who just wanted to say “hi” from St Thomas. Bless his heart, but #1 I am still hating the fact I am not on that trip with them & #2 I’m half asleep and can’t barely comprehend what he was saying. He was too chipper for that hour of the day. LOL (sorry dad, but I felt half dead when you called and it was RIGHT after I feel back asleep for the 5th time)

Fall back asleep, text messages, Chris’ phone going off, dog barking, and then the office calls. Find out I have to wake up early to go stop by and there went my last 2 hours of sleep.

It’s days like this when I get no sleep that I hate working nightshift. 90% of the time, I love working nightshift, love my job and love the responsibility & the people make the nights 100% better. I really do love it. Just not today- not right now. I just want to crawl back into bed, back into my cave.

Your 2pm is my 2am. My 11am is your 11pm. It’s not rocket science although the delivery UPS man will look at you strange when you open the door half asleep and in your pajamas at 1pm and scare him away with your dragon breath. He always has the sarcastic tone when he asks for a signature. He asked for it, he needed a signature. I am not a lazy high school kid sleeping in, I just went to bed for your information. Thank god our room is a CAVE. It’s pitch black thank god to the layers of black out curtains I have up behind the blinds and in front of them too. You walk into our room and you would think it was 11:30 at night. That helps at least.

I eat a regular dinner when I wake up and eat breakfast when I get home. I love my fruit loops and apple jacks before I go to bed. This morning Chris and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast after I got off work and it was DELISH! I was hoping that plethora of food would put me fast asleep. I think it actually woke me up. I was DELERIOUS when we went to bed. I was trying to convince Chris my free card was Derek Sheppard and not Patrick Dempsey. Again, don’t ask.

 So if your ever wondering what I am up to just reverse everything, when your asleep I'm working when your working I'm asleep, it’s that easy. Nights I have off, Chris and I usually sit and watch OnDemand and lay around the couch with our laptops- exciting huh? It’s no fun when you run out of shows, and of of the 600 channels we have, only infomercials for the slap chop and magic bullet.

The occasional 4am Wal-Mart trip is always in store when we’re super bored.  I go to work when its light out and come home when its light out, I miss the night completely. If I need to get something done, I have to wait for it to open before going to be and in order to have a somewhat normal life I often get very little sleep I'm awake for 24 hrs straight a LOT of the time! So just know that when you see me yawn, or I’m a tad bit crabby just deal with me. I’m just not a morning person. Or would that be an ‘afternoon’ person? Hmmm.

But I do have to consider myself lucky. I only work 3 nights a week, Chris and I are on the same schedule and I love my job. I have to try to look in the good of everything. I could be sitting behind a desk 5 days a week and driving myself crazy, my ADD would be getting me in trouble. What?.. You told me to do what?! Sorry I was playing paper toss in the waste basket. I have a job that keeps me on my toes and keeps me entertained. Thank god.

Mama Necklace

When Heir to Blair posted on her blog she was hosting a giveaway on this beautiful necklace by Tali Gillette, I fell-in-LOVE.

I HAD to get one! I even turned to Chris and put a bug in his ear that this would be the coolest Mother’s Day present, knowing he would have no clue what to get…even though I’m happy with just a card. (Totally not expecting anything anyways) But this still would have been awesome.

I fell in love with Tali’s story and her inspiration for designing the necklace. What a classy way to show off your a Mama. As she mentioned women have a way of expressing milestones with jewelry from engagement rings to wedding bands, and now they have a Mama necklace.

I may be a different kind of Mom but either way, I have a son. I gave birth to him and he made us a family of 3. No one can take that experience away from us and even as short as his life way… I was still his Mama. And I want everyone to know I am a Mom too, but it’s something kind of hard to do in my spot. It’s something I struggle with on a daily basis. I want so badly to be recognized as a mom. But it is SO hard to do when you you don’t have the baby in tote and all the accessories to go with.

So anyways,

I entered Blairs contest with never expecting to win. There was a ton of other readers who also fell in love and wanted it just as badly and deserved it just as much. So when I got the message from Blair herself that I won the Mama necklace… I had tears. Actually we both did.

I will wear it with pride, and one day I hope, pray and dream I will be able to pass it on to my child when she is a Mama.

 

Thank you Tali & Blair!

 

Sweet Jesus: SPANX

Mama Spanx!

No worries here, when I am toting around my belly one day I will be sporting these totally unsexy and unflattering Spanx. Why you may ask? Because they are my damn security blanket. I have learned that I can not go with out. They hold me in and suck me in with little effort. Will I need that for my belly??…. HELL NO! I look forward to the days that I can wear maternity jeans again. But these suckers claim that they have

• Soft yarns stretch with your growing belly
• Provides lower back support
• Comfortably shapes the rear and thighs
• Body-shaping control that's comfy and flattering
• Wear as underwear to eliminate VPL (Visible Panty Lines)
• Perfect to wear every day under skirts and dresses

So how could I NOT get these!? I wish I would have known about them when I was pregnant before. So when I was perusing the spanx.com site the other night and found these suckers, I had an affair with them. But I am sure I will change my mind when I start those hourly bathroom trips. I can’t say that will be fun and will probably ditch them then. But they can’t hurt to try, right?

I thank the lord to my dear friend who introduced me to the slim living ways of Spanx about 2 years ago. Yes, it’s my secret that I shout to the world. I have gotten so used to them I can’t imagine not wearing them. I mean if I could wear them with my bathing suits, I WOULD! I seriously wear them EVERYDAY. Ok, not to work but you catch my drift. I just feel more secure, put  together and slim when I wear them.

I promise you, if your sick of that slight muffin top or hate sucking in, Spanx are the answer for you. Get over the fact that your wearing a spandex body suit, you’ll get over it when you look in the mirror and say… daaaaaammmn!

These are my newest pair! I was jumping up and down when I saw these! I can now wear them with shorts, shorter dresses (because nothing is more embarrassing that dancing at a wedding and getting “Low Low Low” with your nude colored biker shorts popping out. Sexy? I say not.

I think it’s about time that the people put the invention of Spanx up there with the light bulb and car! No lie!

 

Christina’s walk for Nolan

Thank you Christina for dedicating your walk this year to Nolan. I never imagined we would have raised over $1,000!!

Christina sent me some pictures, so there’s not much more to say other than THANK YOU! Oh and I wish the sun peeked through a little bit today, but it still looked like a GREAT turn out!

Again, THANK YOU everyone who donated and walk in Nolan’s memory today. I could never thank you enough.

$1,246

THANK YOU!

That’s $1,246 that went to saving other little babies just like Nolan. I am so excited that there are a lot of teams across the US walking for Nolan. It melts my heart that people are getting out there and making a difference with Nolan’s memory.

Thank you everyone! I can’t wait to share pictures from Christina’s walk for Nolan, and Team Kalli’s in Kansas!

I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow!

Walking Guilt

With the approaching walk for March of Dimes this weekend, I am starting to feel loads of guilt for not planning on being there participating. What is my problem? Why do I have such a huge fear of the kind? Is it the amounts of strollers filled with babies that Nolan should have been? Or is it all the shirts that show the NICU grad baby on it? What is it?!

All the blogs I follow of Moms of ‘my kind’ are picking up their shirts they all had made and writing about the upcoming walk. I’m just sad I couldn’t find my big girl panties on and go walk myself. I’m sure I wouldn’t be the only Mom without a stroller. Maybe it would have been a good place to connect with others. Maybe I should have thought about this sooner. Now I am scheduled to work during the walk. So is that my excuse now?

I am so thankful that I have 2 friends walking for Nolan. Christina, has walked the past few years and has dedicated this years walk to Nolan. I am looking forward to hearing all about it, see her shirt she has had made and see all the pictures from the walk on Saturday.

I just wish I had the emotional strength to go walk for something I feel so strongly about. It’s so much easier said than done. I know so much has been donated in Nolan’s name and that makes my heart melt that so many individuals remind me constantly how much they think of Nolan. Thank you everyone! I know me walking wouldn’t change all the money we had raised, but the reward would have been heart felt. Too bad I let my emotions win a lot of the battles. That’s okay though to be weak at some things, I can’t make it all happen. Right?

If you haven’t donated yet or were thinking about it, there is still time. Every dollar counts and every time a dollar is donated it reminds me how someone else thought of Nolan.

I am still pretty impressed we have raised $1,106. I hope to see it grow a little bigger come Saturday morning.

Amy’s Visit

I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand
Life is good today. Life is good today.

-Zac Brown Band

Amy’s flight landed at 10:45am and we we’re on the beach by noon with a cold beer (ok ok- a cooler full of beer). I sometimes forget how lucky I am to live so close to beaches. So I like when my friends come to visit and remind me that I live in a pretty decent place. 

  We spent the first few days basking in the sun, listening to music and having picnics. We tried to go swim with the dolphins that we’re with in swimming distance but the unexplained bite and screaming fiasco halted that. We assume that is was a crab that bit Amy but with both of us screaming and frantically running back to shore, I am SURE people thought it was a darn shark.’

We partied like we we’re back in college and I think I will need a week long detox to get out the skinny margarita’s, beer and long island ice teas we consumed. But we had a blast. I was sad to see Amy leave this morning, I guess it’s back to my usual routine… work, sleep and blog.

Countdown 5 weeks until 3 more best friends come to visit.

Risking it

I am one big ball of ADHD. Chris thinks it makes me funny except when things like this happen…

If anyone follows my twitter, you may have noticed this morning I tweeted

“I love taking risks”

I love my car. It’s perfect for me, it tells me how many miles I have until I am on E. But I have come to find out, I can procrastinate and stay on ‘0 miles’ for at least 2 trips to work & home.

Well……. this morning I remembered I am on my 5th trip and well, I just didn’t feel like stopping. I was over tired, craving an ambien and my bed and just wanted to get home. Plus no gas station was on the right hand side of the road, so I took a risk. Good reasons, right?

I made it home, slipped into a coma and forgot about it all.

Until, Chris and I hopped in my car to go run some errands later this afternoon. I was once again off in my own little world on my iphone while he was driving, not paying attention to him or him driving.

1 mile into our drive, our conversation went something like this:

Chris: (he was talking and I have no clue what he was saying- off in my own world) …… WTF?

Me: (looking down at my phone) Huh?

Chris: ASHLEY ANNE!

Me: What now?

Chris: You KILL me!

Me: (me not realizing the car is slowing down) Huh, why?

Chris: YOU DIDN”T FILL YOUR GAS UP?! Holy Hell you KILL me!

Me: Uh ooooooh, (starting to laugh uncontrollably) I toooooooooootally forgot that I was risking it this morning!

Chris: I swear, when you done popping out kids, you HAVE to go back on your Adderall!

So yes, we were pulled over on the side of the highway, no gas station near. But a phone call to Dad, we were saved. So we sat outside a Walgreens like bums as Chris is sitting there making fun of me. I just couldn’t stop laughing.

The Pringles, Rockstar and mini doughnuts held us over while my poor Dad had to truck 15 miles to come to our rescue!

Thanks DAD! You always come to the rescue in times like these!

The part that made this the best, I tweeted about it this morning.

As Chris said, life is never dull when your married to me! I guess I make life a little more interesting with my ADD!

Thank You

Thank you for all your comments and messages.  I feel a lot better after talking it out and blogging and even sleeping on it. I wish it was easier to explain. I know it’s easy to say.. “do what YOU want” but it’s not that easy in this case.

I promise something will still be done. I would never let it go unrecognized.

But the vision I had was just too much for us. I do look forward to sharing what we decided on. It will be very small in nature but big in love and perfect for Nolan.

As much as I would love to throw a big bash and have a big birthday cake and sing to him. I think our solution is better. It was actually my 2nd idea, I just had to convince Chris that it would be perfect and not too much. We like it, family likes it and Nolan would have loved it.

When I tend to vision things, I vision big. Most the time it works out, this time it didn’t. That’s okay though. I think in my mind, nothing was going tt be big enough or perfect enough for the lil guy. As much as I love to throw a good big party, this one is meant to be different.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and comments, it really helps when you know people understand and don’t hold it against you that you have these thoughts. It’s just part of that new normal, not self pity (been accused of that in the past). I promise that one.

Un-birthday?

What do you call a day that you celebrate your baby’s LIFE a year later when they aren’t even here to celebrate it? An un-birthday party? I don’t know, there’s no cake smashing or present opening. Apparently my idea for a ‘birthday party’ was morbid. It was my attempt for normalcy. An attempt to make a life no longer here be recognized.  I wanted something like this, but now I am second guessing it. Is this the type of thing only people that have lost their child is normal? Maybe that’s the case. It’s frustrating. Birthday party invitations that Danielle made for her son Wyatt. She actually gave me the idea for Nolan’s party. I didn’t think twice about it at the time.

I never got to use the baby shower invites that were made. It’s something that really bothers me. I know it’s silly, but I wish I got to experience those things. At the least, I was hoping on making some invitations, pick a theme, plan a party and to invite people over to celebrate our little miracle’s life.

Am I crazy? Delusional? What?!

What are people really saying? Are they all about it to my face in protection of my emotions? Most likely, I should know better by now. I’ve kind of gotten used to that. They don’t want to hurt your feelings when it comes to something so personal and emotional to someone.

I wanted a ‘party’, a get together, a day  that family & friends get together to remember a life that was so important to us. A life that should be here right now. A life that was told would never be. A life that I live for now. A life that I fight daily for people to remember. I just wanted a celebration of that life.

I am so sick of feeling abnormal. I am told I am so strong and blah blah blah. But I promise you, I’m really not. I just do what I have to do to get through each day, sometimes with a smile and sometimes with anger. I know it looks like I am strong from the outside, but I am also living one of those nightmares. I can’t run from it, I can’t play hide and go seek and it’s to big to put in my back pocket and return to deal with another day. I have to go one, live my life. Sometimes I do want to pretend like I could never live my life, because a year ago, I would have said the SAME thing to someone in my spot.

“Your so strong, I don’t know how you do it.”

For the past 10 months, I have done what I could to keep my mind sane, my emotions somewhat under control with class and share Nolan’s story with pride. I know I am not the only person out there in this world struggling with something upsetting. But in MY world, it feels like the end sometimes.

So when I get excited about something   regarding Nolan’s life only to be shot down, it breaks me apart, makes me feel excluded and it just reminds me once again, we’re not those type of parents.

So in all honesty, I am kind of embarrassed. I have been going around saying how excited I am to plan Nolan’s birthday party. How happy I was that people were hopefully going to come together and celebrate his little life. And now, all I can think about is what people REALLY think. It’s not a true birthday….

I guess it was just an excuse to feel normal.

We will do something, I guess it will be real small, no invitations, no balloons. I’ll bring him a cake with one candle. Just family and a lot of memories of Nolan.

Maybe this whole post is over reacting and I am just overly emotional this morning. In all reality, this is about us. Our family of 3 and what we both want and feel is right.

Invite

We meet friends on cruises. Every single one we go one, we get lucky and ALWAYS meet the coolest people.

Our engagement cruise, we met Ashley & Anthony, they live 10 minutes from us, Ashley & Chris went to the same high school and she was my go-to nurse when I was pregnant, why? Because she works the L & D at Nolan’s hospital. We are still awesome friends to this day, over 2 years later.

This last cruise in December, we met Erin & Mike. By complete chance, in the middle of the ocean on a beach in Barbados. They looked young (unlike 80% of the other cruisers), we chatted it up, had a few drinks and even swung off a bridge into the water together.

We bonded over our ‘fearful’ jump and knew we were destined to be best friends when she lost her headband in the jump. When her husband asked her why she was still looking under water for it 10 minuets later, she gave him the CRAZIEST look and said,

“Listen here buddy, back off I am mourning the loss of my headband!”

Yes. Someone else that is addicted to headbands like me. I LOVE HER!

We spent the rest of our cruise hanging out with Erin & Mike. We met for drinks every night before dinner, went to the shows together and got crazy in the club every night.  

We bonded over our love of headbands, cruising and our favorite casino game Monopoly.

So how can I resist booking a cruise when I get this email from Erin?

Reasons you need to go cruising with us!
A. I am awesome
B. Daily wake up calls from Lisa Bell your cruise director!
C. Dance parties with DJ Bill Phil!!!
D. I need a partner to play the addicting monopoly money eating game, who else am I going to get to sink $53 in the machine?
E.If you don't go I have to go alone...with just my husband.
F. Mike ..... dejay-ing topless!!
G. Balcony trivia is great for baby making!
H. FREE sushi at Vines!
I. A possible chance to buy a "piano cat" master piece... this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
P.s. did I mention I am awesome?

I think it’s time, we need to go on a cruise. It’s an addiction. We have never cruised in the summer months before so this would be a first. We need to find something quick because I am going crazy over here thinking of the relaxing bliss that awaits us. (Yes Mom, I know we were SUPPOSE to be going on a cruise with you guys at the end of this month, but had to cancel it- not by choice)

Now, I just need to win the lottery so I can quit my job to have time off…. so we can go. (sigh)

Nolan

How I spend time with my son.

Dear Nolan,

You would have been 10 months old today. Just a  year ago this week we found out you were a boy! Your Daddy was so happy!

Not a day goes by that I wonder what you would be like and how our lives would be different if you were still here with us.

I still can’t believe you would be 2 months away from having your 1st big birthday party. GOD, how I wish that was the case. But I do have plans for you little guy. Mommy is going to have a BIG birthday party with all our family and friends to celebrate the day that you entered this world and proved those Doctors wrong. We will celebrate your teeny little life.

So it looks like I’ll be a busy Mommy trying to plan the perfect birthday party for such an important little booger. I bet you a lot of people will come, at least I hope.

What do you think…red & blue sail boat theme or something else? Maybe I should branch out, but then it wouldn’t feel like you. Any-who, I promise to make it special either way.

On another note, I am sure you and Josey have come together up there in Heaven and your looking down on us. I just have to think you two were too special to stay with us. God must have saw something mighty special in you two to bring you up there so early. We need you both to look over Kerry’s sister Kimmy as she is also expecting and I am sure she is scared to death after watching the fight her sister just went through. Bless her heart.

I miss you Nolan. I wish the days wouldn’t go by so fast. It’s just one more day from seeing you. The further away from having you and I hate that. I want to wake up every morning and walk in your room and see you standing in your crib waiting for me. I think that’s what you would be doing by now, I guess I really don’t know what your 1o month old self would be doing, I don’t even know when milestones happen for any baby. It’s so frustrating.

I love you little guy, I’m sure your not so little anymore. Stay close to Josey and watch over Kerry and Kimmy in these coming months. They are both going to need you little angels watching over them.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mommy

P.S. Did I say how AWESOME your birthday party will be? Oh ya, I did! Just reminding you!

God Bless You Josey

Kerry fought and she did everything possible for baby Josey. She was in the hospital for 24 days fighting for Josey to grow while preeclampsia slowly shut her body down. She held on as long as possible.

This is what Josey’s Grandma Janet put on Facebook this morning,

“Little Josey was born tonight at 12:26 a.m., she weighed l lb. 1 oz. God took her to heaven before she was delivered. Thank you for all the prayers sent up for them. I love you all!”

She was a real beauty from what I have been told. I have no doubts that she was absolutely perfect. I look forward to Kerry telling me all about her perfect daughter.

God Bless you teeny tiny Josey. I know that your and Nolan are up there watching down on us. Wrap your arms around Kerry as she starts this difficult journey through grief, it’s a hard and long one. One I wish no one ever had to experience, it just isn’t fair.

Hoppy Easter

We just got home from spending Easter with our families under one roof. Something we haven’t had the chance to do in awhile. It was nice but it would have been better if Nolan was there. So I did my best to stay in the spirit and wore my bunny ears.

Then I came home and got this. Thank you Michelle for thinking of Nolan this Easter. It made my day that someone was thinking about him.

Happy Easter/Kerry/NILMDTS

I wish I could say it’s a Happy Easter for us. I know we are celebrating Jesus rising but it’s so hard to put that smile on today when you know your cousin is delivering their baby girl who is just too small. I am still holding hope that she is bigger than they estimated and Josey can have a fighting chance.

One thing that I hope she can do is get a hold of a NILMDTS photographer. It’s something I wish I had a chance to have. But since Nolan left us so unexpectedly and at 2am in the morning, it was never a thought. Since being in those shoes, and becoming an aspiring lifestyle photographer, it’s something that I really want to dip my toes in. Not right away because I am not ready emotionally but when the time comes I want to be that photographer that documents a baby’s life. Just as this photographer did, she lost her baby Eli in 2002 and since then has volunteered to take the most amazing pictures of baby’s as they leave us here on Earth. One day, that will be me.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sweet baby boy Nolan, I am thinking of you this Easter. I know your up there in Heaven with the star of the show Jesus. I know your in a better place than here on Earth but it doesn’t make me want you here any less. I wish we were dressing you up in a outfit with a little tie and taking you to church. Then off to Grandmas for Easter dinner. It would be the perfect Easter. A year ago I never would have thought we wouldn’t have our baby boy here on Easter. I don’t think some people realize how lucky they really are to wake up with their baby sleeping soundly in their crib on Easter morning. I wish that was us. I mean why would you think about that stuff?

Happy Easter everyone. Say a prayer for Kerry and baby Josey. They already started her induction and I hope today goes smooth and calm for her. It’s just so hard to celebrate Easter when things like this overshadow the celebration. It just shouldn’t be this way.

Kerry

My stomach is in knots and my heart is filled with tears as I sit here and attempt to comprehend how this awful disease can take the lives of 2 babies in the same family.

www.journeytojosey.blogspot.com

Kerry is being induced tomorrow morning, on Easter. It’s cruel and unfair but her body is quickly deteriorating and the focus is now on maternal life vs. fetal. Baby Josey is just too small for much to be done.

I’m here (not in KY like I wish I was), I am going to hold Kerry’s hand from afar.  I can only do so much, just because I have been through this doesn’t make it any easier on Kerry. I guess I am just someone she can turn to that ‘knows’ and we all know how valuable those women are that each have in our life after we lost our babies. I am going to do as much as I can with my heavy heart, even if it’s just to be able to listen.

I don’t have much more to say, I had a fun post about our trip to Disney all drafted up. But now it doesn’t seem so fun anymore. This is just heartbreaking.

Brave

I did it. Of course with some help of some prescription courage. I stepped back into HP today, I took the very same elevator I took all those months I was pregnant. I even went to the wrong floor on accident where the NICU was. I walked the same hallway I did for months. But you know what made it better? The people that work in that office. Vicki the ultrasound tech remembered me right away and talked to me a bit about Nolan. The girls at the front desk talked to me quite a bit too. They even said they still read my blog all the time, that just melted my heart. And when the pregnant women came in and started the chit chat with each other, they rescued me and got me back in a room so I didn't have to listen to them.

My test results came back normal and my ultrasound showed what is was suppose to. So Dr Fish and I have a plan of action for the next coming months. I’m really hoping it works. I am so sick of running away from pregnant people and feeling left behind, it hurts more than I can explain. We want to give Nolan a little brother or sister so badly.

Dr Fish did think it was very odd that Kerry is going through the SAME exact thing in slow motion. We maybe think that there is something genetic that is an unknown and may not even be a test for. She advised me to call back the MFM I saw back in Sept and inform him of this. He may have a different perspective now. It’s just too ironic. I am also planning on going for a consultation with her best friend who is a perinatologist in Nashville. She already knows a lot of my story and it wouldn’t hurt to get her opinion. I guess Kerry and I would be an interesting case study for some Dr’s to take a look at. You never know.

Kerry is still trucking along, so keep those prayers coming.