What do you call a day that you celebrate your baby’s LIFE a year later when they aren’t even here to celebrate it? An un-birthday party? I don’t know, there’s no cake smashing or present opening. Apparently my idea for a ‘birthday party’ was morbid. It was my attempt for normalcy. An attempt to make a life no longer here be recognized. I wanted something like this, but now I am second guessing it. Is this the type of thing only people that have lost their child is normal? Maybe that’s the case. It’s frustrating. Birthday party invitations that Danielle made for her son Wyatt. She actually gave me the idea for Nolan’s party. I didn’t think twice about it at the time.
I never got to use the baby shower invites that were made. It’s something that really bothers me. I know it’s silly, but I wish I got to experience those things. At the least, I was hoping on making some invitations, pick a theme, plan a party and to invite people over to celebrate our little miracle’s life.
Am I crazy? Delusional? What?!
What are people really saying? Are they all about it to my face in protection of my emotions? Most likely, I should know better by now. I’ve kind of gotten used to that. They don’t want to hurt your feelings when it comes to something so personal and emotional to someone.
I wanted a ‘party’, a get together, a day that family & friends get together to remember a life that was so important to us. A life that should be here right now. A life that was told would never be. A life that I live for now. A life that I fight daily for people to remember. I just wanted a celebration of that life.
I am so sick of feeling abnormal. I am told I am so strong and blah blah blah. But I promise you, I’m really not. I just do what I have to do to get through each day, sometimes with a smile and sometimes with anger. I know it looks like I am strong from the outside, but I am also living one of those nightmares. I can’t run from it, I can’t play hide and go seek and it’s to big to put in my back pocket and return to deal with another day. I have to go one, live my life. Sometimes I do want to pretend like I could never live my life, because a year ago, I would have said the SAME thing to someone in my spot.
“Your so strong, I don’t know how you do it.”
For the past 10 months, I have done what I could to keep my mind sane, my emotions somewhat under control with class and share Nolan’s story with pride. I know I am not the only person out there in this world struggling with something upsetting. But in MY world, it feels like the end sometimes.
So when I get excited about something regarding Nolan’s life only to be shot down, it breaks me apart, makes me feel excluded and it just reminds me once again, we’re not those type of parents.
So in all honesty, I am kind of embarrassed. I have been going around saying how excited I am to plan Nolan’s birthday party. How happy I was that people were hopefully going to come together and celebrate his little life. And now, all I can think about is what people REALLY think. It’s not a true birthday….
I guess it was just an excuse to feel normal.
We will do something, I guess it will be real small, no invitations, no balloons. I’ll bring him a cake with one candle. Just family and a lot of memories of Nolan.
Maybe this whole post is over reacting and I am just overly emotional this morning. In all reality, this is about us. Our family of 3 and what we both want and feel is right.