Sunday, October 25, 2009

1 more month

One more month until our cruise in honor of Nolan. One more month until we are able to try again. One more month until we start to hit all the year of 'firsts' with Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE. I am leaving out Halloween since that is this week. I HATE Halloween this year. I should be dressing up Nolan in cute infant costumes and taking ridiculous amounts of pictures. But instead, I will hide out in my house hoping no trick o treaters ring the doorbell. Geesh I sound like a mean old lady, and I really am not.

As far as trying again... we are ready, we have accepted the fact that no matter what no 'new' baby will ever fix missing Nolan, neither will it bring him back. But we will be able to accept a new addition to our family and see it as a sweet blessing from Nolan. On the other hand, the thoughts of having to go through this all over again is exhausting. Yes, at least they know what to look for and ect, BUT Preeclampsia is unpreventable and untreatable, only delivery of baby takes it away. They can ward off high blood pressures sometimes but it doesn't always help. So any pregnancy, have it be soon or not.. worries the living hell out of me. I just have to have faith that God will be good to us and I will bring a baby home next time. I still can't believe I am living this new life right now, never ever thought me.

I think I am just frustrated with life and little things that never bothered me before, I find myself being bitter over. Maybe it has something to do with me weaning off the meds. Which by the way, I am so proud of myself.... I haven't been on my 'meds' for 2 weeks now. I wanted to have them out of my system by time we tried again. And given it being an emotionally exhausting week, I think I have held on quite well. It was real hard to see Valorie so worried, upset and scared because I know her EXACT feelings at that moment. It was the same feelings I woke up with every morning that Nolan lived in the NICU. So watching Valorie's emotions totally brought me back to all the worry, anxiety and hope I felt with Nolan. I prayed so hard that she would NEVER EVER feel the pain I felt after Nolan's 3 days. Thank goodness Cyrus had a successful surgery and is healing quite well.

2009 can kiss my ass. I had to put it bluntly. I thought 2009 was going to be our happiest year ever! I was so excited that we FINALLY got to start our family. We FINALLY got married and that's all we were waiting for. Yes we were very lucky to get pregnant right away and hope we have that luck once again, but I never thought 6 months later I would be on deaths doorway with a very very premature son.
-Never did I think I would lose my son
-Never did I think my child would die before me
-Never did I think I would spend my summer grieving
-Never did I think my best friends son would have so many heart complications
-Never did I think My Dad would get so sick
-Never did I think I would feel jealous of pregnancies and newborns
-Never did I think Val would get sick and have to have surgery too
-Never did I think we would be babyless on all these upcoming holidays.
-Never did I think I would meet my new BEST FRIEND Amy, wish I never did.

(It's Amy's due date today, please send some prayers her way. Kalli was so beautiful and I wish more than anything besides Nolan that she was here and Amy could dress her up in her Halloween costume) Is that too much to ask?

Amy sent me this sweet poem

His little soul has touched us all
He didn't need to stay
His spirit touched each one of us
Before it sailed away

We all know souls arrive on earth
with special roles to fill
And his has fully played it's part
His memory guides us still

He had a ver special soul
He stayed but just awhile
So if, or when you are feeling sad
Recall him with a smile

For then you will know inside your heart
The reason why he's gone
And never feel too empty that
His role down here is done

His spirit touched each one of us
No other ever could
Forever will we cherish him
The way we know we should

So please please please let 2010 be good to us, Valorie and Amy. PLEASE.


cmatsukes said...

I know what you are saying 2009 was a sad year for me too. Losing my mother, Having been touched by Nolan and you losing him too and also Johns accident and surgery too so yes goodbye 2009 I am sure 2010 will be better for all of us. I hope you dads surgery goes well too I know it is coming up shortly.

Rachel H. said...

It's been a tough year, but I'm sure that next year will be much better for you guys! Enjoy your cruise and hope that good things come out of it as a result of the fun you had! :)

Alison said...

Oh Ashley, I hear you. My husband and I are going away this weekend to escape Halloween. We are going to our favorite bed and breakfast on Cape Cod. It will be nice to get away and just be. I am not looking forward to Christmas at all. Sigh.....I am glad you are ready to try again and I wish you lots of luck. I also agree with you, 2009 needs to be over.

Miche said...

It has been a rough year for you. Take care and hopefully it will be over soon without any new events.

I feel your pain on the holidays but we wlll make it through.

Bluebird said...

Hey sweet girl :) Sorry I'm so behind getting caught up. I have a few more of your posts to read still! But I had to stop here and just say that I GET IT. I get the fear. I get that even the thought of pregnancy after preeclampsia is particularly terrifying (if I do say so myself) because there really is a chance it can happen again! I get that. It's a horrible feeling and I'm sorry you have to experience it.