Wednesday, October 28, 2009


They say the year of "firsts" is the worst. I hadn't put much thought to it until last night and sure enough, the tears came once again. The whole Halloween thing has been bothering me lately. Everything about it...costumes in the stores, friends kids dressing up, baby filled pumpkin patches and a lot more. I am just not excited about it. I should be walking a stroller with all my friends with a dressed up little Nolan while their kids run door to door trick o treating. I was so excited for this especially since I had Nolan's first Halloween off from work, so I knew I would be able to attend this year. Well obviously, now it is the last thing I want to do.

Chris is driving to Tallahassee to visit his best friend and go to a Halloween party too, I was planning on tagging along but my spirits are just down and I think I would be better off staying home and hanging out with my Mom who will be in town for her last night. At this rate, I much rather be working... imagine that.

As for Thanksgiving.. well it's not bothering me too much since #1 we haven't had a big TG in the past few years anyways and #2 we happen to be booked for a cruise over TG this year. We didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize it when I booked the dates. So I guess this year will be spent sailing the seas and looking out in the horizon wondering how far my little Nolan really is.

Christmas, honestly.... how about you let me sleep through it. Chris is working both Eve & Christmas so not only will we not have Nolan here for his first Christmas, my family is not all here yet. I am hoping I get scheduled to work both just so I don't have to sit in my house or at my Aunt's in tears staring at an X-mas tree that Nolan should be sitting near and getting pictures.

Call me crazy, but I do think about these things. I would go to midnight mass, but once again, I'll be alone since Chris is working. I usually put up our Xmas tree early every year because I get bored at night and it's usually up before TG. This year we had planned on getting a real tree, since it was Chris' tradition growing up and he wanted to do it for Nolan's first Christmas. But in all honestly, I have no desire to even put up the fake one.. not even lights. This is SO not me. Bah-humbug.

The ONLY and ONE "holiday" I was looking forward to was New Year's Eve. I was pregnant last year and worked that night and celebrated with my coworkers. We actually found out the day before Dec 30th we were pregnant. Not sure why I am looking forward to this years, maybe because it's an adult type holiday, one we would leave Nolan with my parents for the night maybe but 99% of the reason is celebrating kissing 2009 GOODBYE. 2009 has been absolute HELL for us, my family and my best friend. I think I only enjoyed Jan-May 7th (happy pregnancy days) and June8-10th (Nolan was with us).

Other than that... I wish I could erase the rest out of my mind.

A rough pregnancy with Nolan
Losing Nolan

Dad loses Job

Dad gets very sick and needs open heart

finds out Cyrus needs Open Heart (His story here)

A week before Cyrus open heart, she gets appendicitis and has surgery.

I would normally say it can't get any worse, but I stopped saying that. Dad hasn't even had his surgery yet, we still have jobs and are "healthy" so I hope it stays that way. I'm just bumming because I found out I will be working on New Years Eve. It's just something I have to accept, too many people want it off for me to have it off, but I wish I could pay someone a million dollars to work for me. Then Val and I could still have our kiss 2009 goodbye NYE party. We had so many good ideas.

So now I am in the process of convincing everyone to have a change in plans and have a Welcome 2010 Party on January 1st 2010. Maybe that will be a better idea, now I need to convince ALL my friends to participate and work NYE with me so we can all have New Years Day off (we all work one or the other at work)

So who thinks it's a good idea to change our party plans? Who's in?


Mrs. Mother said...

Oh honey, I know what you mean about a bad year. My granny died in December 2007 and from then until December 2008, we had a terrible time. I won't go into all the details.

But, I will say holidays are the worst, especially the first ones. Big hugs to you. Once you get past them, things seem to get a bit easier.

cmatsukes said...

I know how you feel my mom passed away in July, then John had a car accident on 9/11 ended up with neck surgery just had on 10/19 now out of work and in a brace till end of January. Then my ex brother in laws sister was at shelleys shower got killed in a car accident on October 1st. So it has been a nightmare year for alot of people I think I hope too 2010 will be a good year as well. Hang in there, the light at the end of tunnel is still shining.

Chelsea and Robert Serna said...

Hi, I came across your blog on the Baby Center Community pages. Although, our stories are different I can relate to what you're going through. I'm really sorry for your loss...and I know what you mean about this year. I'm not looking forward to the holidays AT ALL...I just want this year to be over. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I will pray that this next year is a good year for all of us.