Monday, October 19, 2009


Is it too much to ask for a guaranteed healthy pregnancy next time? Is it too much to ask God for a break this time. I thought we did everything the right way, and look at our outcome. I did everything in my power to fight for Nolan, but look where it got us.

Sad thing is, I may be able to get pregnant, but according to the specialist... we will never know if my body will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy and that scares me to death. Sure go ahead and try again, but in 6 months will I be reliving this nightmare with another baby once again?

All Chris and I want is our Nolan and we can't have that. So next best thing is to bring a little sister or brother into the world and actually be able to carry him or her home in a car seat, put them in their crib, do feedings at 3am in the morning and most of all, watch a miracle grow right in front of our eyes.

I will never ever take pregnancy lightly, nor will I understand why certain things happen. I have witnessed first hand that the world is not fair and it doesn't matter if you do all right or all wrong. I guess I need to ask that powerful question when I get to Heaven one day.


Niki said...

I know you won't take it for granted sweetie! I just wish you didn't have to worry or wonder how things will be next time. I just wish that your sweet Nolan was snuggling with you at this very moment. It is just so unfair. ((HUGS))

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

I am sending you tons of super sticky baby dust.

My heart is heavy for you.....

Much love and prayer,


Rachel H. said...

Have faith that you will be able to carry a normal, healthy baby to full term next time. I'm praying for you, and I know that it will work out as God has plans for it to.

cmatsukes said...

I hope you can carry your next baby to term. But dont forget about your other options like adoption. John said he had wonderful parents he was adopted at 3 months old and never knew anyone else but them. He has never looked back or wanted to he had such wonderful parents. I know any child you & Chris would be his or her parents wont look back either remember anyone can have a child it takes parents to raise it. John said he has also loved his parents as his own and always thought of them that way. He rarley even mentions he was adopted. So just a thought it is Chris and yours Decison. Remember it would be your child.

cmatsukes said...

Johns Mother told him later when he was older the first time she held him in her arms she was hooked and always felt that he was meant to be for her and his father, since she was unable to have children but longed for one.
So just thought I would share that with you. I know Mike and I had thought of that but with Mikes illness We deceided it would not be fair to a child, so that is why we decided to stay childless, I wish I would have now adopted a child because I feel that emptyness sometimes. So just wanted to share that with you John wanted to share that with you too.

jamie said...

I know you worries - and it is soooo hard. I hope hope HOPE things turn out differently for both of us. It stinks not knowing.

Saffy said...

Hi Ashley, I just found your blog via Niki's :)
My son was born at 25+1 with IUGR because of nasty old PE. He fought the fight for 19 days and it broke our hearts when he passed.
The reason I'm commenting here is to let you know that sometimes things can go right even though it can be really scary taking the plunge. It took us 7 years to pluck up the courage to give it another crack but with serious meds on board (we love lovenox and aspirin in particular) and what felt like a million medical appts, we had a 34 weeker and no sign of PE! I'll be honest and say that I was terrified until we got to about 29 weeks - so not the milk and honey pregnancy of Hollywood by any stretch...but we got there - although not quite a full termer we skipped thru NICU in 12 days with a big non-IUGR baby. It really does happen - so I'm sending you a HUGE dose of baby dust and wish you all the very very best :)