Friday, December 11, 2009

6 months ago

6 months ago today... My world was turned upside down, dreams were shattered and we started a journey we never ever expected to take.

6 months ago I lost my baby. My perfect and teeny tiny Nolan who we had so many hopes and dreams for.... left us. I can't even begin to tell you what I felt in those few days and weeks after because 6 months later it seems to be a blur. I don't remember who I talked to, who visited, cards that were sent or things I did. I somehow got through each day and found comfort writing in this blog. Which to this day, I am terrified to go back and read the months of June & July because I am so scared to 'feel' those feelings because I remember writing them so vividly.

6 months later, grieving is different. The days between tears get further apart and the piercing stabbing pain is not a frequent visitor as it used to be, although she shows up unexpected when it comes. I am not as jealous as I used to be of other pregnancies and babies, yet I am still very sensitive to babies born around Nolan's due date. It's hard to see them and correlate how big Nolan would be or look like. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is.

6 months later, I have a hard time with accepting the unknown. The unknown of why Nolan left, why my body failed and if Chris and I will ever have a baby to bring home. I have a hard time accepting the fact we visit our baby at his grave in a memorial garden and I shop for flowers to make arrangements instead of baby clothes and toys. I have a hard time accepting why God chose us to take this journey. Why why why?

6 months later I still find myself back in a pre-baby routine consisting of Chris and I going out on dates, working full time, up keeping our house and enjoying our marriage. I agree getting back into a daily routine helped to grieve but it also put some feelings on the back burner and when I am not distracted, they can strike at any time unexpectedly. Sometimes the pain is just at raw as the second I feel into Chris arms after we lost him standing by his incubator in the NICU. The feeling of overwhelming shock and pain come flooding back.

6 months later, I still wish and hope I will wake up from this nightmare. I wish I never met some of the women I have that have gone through a similar loss, but they have been my support and I am thankful I have them.

But 6 months later I am learning to regain some of that hope back. Hope that 2010 will be our year. Hope that Dad will heal, my parents house will sell, new job for Dad and a 2010 baby for Chris and I. 2010 has got to be our year. Positive thoughts and lots of hope and prayers.


Saffy said...

Lots and lots and lots of positive thoughts winging your way :)

cmatsukes said...

I hope that you are blessed with a baby in 2010 and a healthy term pergancy. And I can understand about seeing other babies really I can I always wanted to be a Mom but well we did not due to Mikes problems and I loved Mike more., But someday when you are comfortable with it take a look at my Great Niece Makayla she is a doll and doing well. But when I tell someone about her I always include Nolan he was my first Great Nephew and will always be. I will never forget him. And yes I feel the pain is less and less for me with my Mom too but anytime unexpectely it comes back like a river flooding that is ok it needs to get out no good to hold your feelings in. I think if I saw you in person today I would burst out again for Nolan and my Mom. Hugs

Morgan said...

I wish for you a blessed 2010 complete with a healthy family, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby in 2010 or early 2011. xoxoxox

Jen J. said...

Best wishes for a wonderful 2010 Ash!! PS - I am happy to hear your dad is doing well. :o)

Anonymous said...

*hugs* I feel alot of the same feelings and at the same place you are. We lost Jonathan about five and a half months ago.

Prayers and positive thoughts for a great 2010!!

Courtney said...

I remember the 6 month mark. It just blows my mind how fast a year of grieving can really go by. We are almost at 11 months.

I do hope for all of us that 2010 has nothing but good things in store.


Holly said...

Sending you positve thoughts. What a tough day. :( I am hoping that 2010 is so much better for many of us