Monday, December 28, 2009

Mad

Angry, irritated or maybe just plain upset. I have no clue where this blog post will get me, but figured maybe if I try to type it out, I will feel better.

I am mad because late last night I had a break down, I ended up in Nolan's room and laid in the middle of the floor with Chris and just cried. I needed that cry, but so many feelings come flooding back. Why in the heck am I crying in my son's nursery with out him? Shouldn't he be with us and we are consoling him from his tears? Shouldn't I be holding him instead of Chris holding me?
(Just great, TV in the background is playing the Silent Night commercial(Pampers) with the sleeping babies- how ironic)
What would our life be like if he was still here? Questions that I always think about, but last night I just had to cry them out.


Then I wonder, will we ever fill this room with a crib and rocker? IT DRIVES ME NUTS! I wish I knew...I wish I knew that my body will not give up next time. I wish that when you had a positive pregnancy test, it meant a guaranteed healthy baby to bring home. But as we learned, that's not the case and since being in this journey I have met so many other women that have lost their babies to causes I never even pondered. So I am now more aware than I have ever been before of other things and I know that doesn't help.

I am praying SO hard that 2010 brings us our dream, the same dream that was shattered in 2009. I wish 2009 didn't turn out this way.

2009 was suppose to be the BEST year for Chris and I. Even better than 2008 when we got married. We were starting our family. I guess I never ever expected to be 'this' Mom, the one who is trying to relive the moments I got with my son instead of having new moments with him. I am in a transition of trying to live without him but carry his story and do things in his memory instead of dwelling on our loss. I don't know where it's going to take me, but I have a feeling I will be in touch with the NICU a lot in 2010. I need to give back for what they gave me, 3 days of hope that Doctors said was never possible.






9 comments:

Bluebird said...

Your posts always touch me so much because I know that I have thought the same thoghts and perhaps even written the same words. So, although I know it's rather presumptious and probably not true!, I feel like I can even hear those words from you that are not written, and feel the thoughts behind the computer screen.

And it hurts my heart and it makes me cry for you - and, selfishly, for me too! I wish things were different, I wish we knew what the future holds, I wish so many things.

For now, I'll simply wish you peace. ((Hugs)) sweet girl. Thinking of you and Chris both.

Courtney said...

2009 was awful for so many people. I do hope and have confidence that 2010 will bring great joy for all of us who were so hurt by 2009.

*hugs*

Shelli said...

I read your posts and not only do I feel for you, I hurt with you. I sincerely hope that the up coming new year brings all the joy and happiness that you and Chris both deserve.

On a lighter note, please know that I passed on a Blog Award to you because your blog has touched and/or inspired me in ways I'll never be able to explain to you. You can view the award at http://shellillynn.wordpress.com

Please know that you, Chris and baby Nolan are in my family's thoughts and prayers.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I cannot wait for this year to be over, it has been awful. I have lost two of my precious babies this year. I am hoping and praying the same thing, that 2010 brings a better year our way. And yes, I too wish with all of my heart that a positive pregnancy test meant a guarentee of bringing home our healthy live babies. *HUGS*

Jessica said...

2010 will be a better year. I believe that for all of us. *huge hugs*

ryansmom said...

My heart goes out to you. I understand what you are going through. I still break down and cry. Once I let it out I usually feel better. Whenever possible I try to be better over bitter and do things in memory of Ryan. Sometimes we just have to be mad. I'm praying that all your dreams come true in 2010. Please Heavenly Father bring peace and another chance to have a child on Earth to us grieving mothers.
Hugs to you and your husband.

Laura said...

such a heartfelt and beautiful post. I read your blog often and think of you and Nolan all the time *HUGS* Here's to a 2010 blessing!

Saffy said...

Oh hon, no words - just hugs >:D<

Mitzi G.!! said...

I am so sorry & really have no words to make you feel better; I just hope that 2010 fills you & Chris' lives with joy & happiness! You guys are always in my prayer...God Bless & Happy New Year!!