Angry, irritated or maybe just plain upset. I have no clue where this blog post will get me, but figured maybe if I try to type it out, I will feel better.
I am mad because late last night I had a break down, I ended up in Nolan's room and laid in the middle of the floor with Chris and just cried. I needed that cry, but so many feelings come flooding back. Why in the heck am I crying in my son's nursery with out him? Shouldn't he be with us and we are consoling him from his tears? Shouldn't I be holding him instead of Chris holding me?
(Just great, TV in the background is playing the Silent Night commercial(Pampers) with the sleeping babies- how ironic)
What would our life be like if he was still here? Questions that I always think about, but last night I just had to cry them out.
Then I wonder, will we ever fill this room with a crib and rocker? IT DRIVES ME NUTS! I wish I knew...I wish I knew that my body will not give up next time. I wish that when you had a positive pregnancy test, it meant a guaranteed healthy baby to bring home. But as we learned, that's not the case and since being in this journey I have met so many other women that have lost their babies to causes I never even pondered. So I am now more aware than I have ever been before of other things and I know that doesn't help.
I am praying SO hard that 2010 brings us our dream, the same dream that was shattered in 2009. I wish 2009 didn't turn out this way.
2009 was suppose to be the BEST year for Chris and I. Even better than 2008 when we got married. We were starting our family. I guess I never ever expected to be 'this' Mom, the one who is trying to relive the moments I got with my son instead of having new moments with him. I am in a transition of trying to live without him but carry his story and do things in his memory instead of dwelling on our loss. I don't know where it's going to take me, but I have a feeling I will be in touch with the NICU a lot in 2010. I need to give back for what they gave me, 3 days of hope that Doctors said was never possible.