I wish I could love Christmas this year. I obviously know the reason to celebrate is more than Holiday cheer and decorations, but that's what triggers my sadness with the season. I miss my Christmas music playing, I miss my Christmas tree, I miss hanging lights and most of all I miss the joy the holidays bring. BUT, I just can't seem to find that joy right now. I just miss my baby.
I just wish Nolan was here, he would ALMOST be 6 months old and I am sure we would have some big family holiday plans. Instead of looking for an angel ornament for his first, I would be buying a baby's first Christmas ornament. I would be shopping for a cute Xmas onsie to wear on Christmas morning. But instead I am on a mission to find the perfect flowers to decorate his grave with. This sucks.
I don't want any Christmas presents this year, because nothing can be better than having our Nolan with us. I plan on working both Christmas Eve & Christmas Day just so I can go to work and escape from the emptiness. It's hard because I know people have moved on and forget that I am still very so much hurting. It's just a hard time of year and I have been told "The Year of Firsts" is the hardest. SO TRUE.
So it will be a quiet Christmas, and that's okay with me. I think it would be easier to sleep through it, but that would be too easy. Head up, step by step... hopefully one year Chris and I can rock our baby in our arms on Christmas morning. A couple can only wish and hope.