Saturday, December 5, 2009

Bah-Humbug

I wish I could love Christmas this year. I obviously know the reason to celebrate is more than Holiday cheer and decorations, but that's what triggers my sadness with the season. I miss my Christmas music playing, I miss my Christmas tree, I miss hanging lights and most of all I miss the joy the holidays bring. BUT, I just can't seem to find that joy right now. I just miss my baby.

I just wish Nolan was here, he would ALMOST be 6 months old and I am sure we would have some big family holiday plans. Instead of looking for an angel ornament for his first, I would be buying a baby's first Christmas ornament. I would be shopping for a cute Xmas onsie to wear on Christmas morning. But instead I am on a mission to find the perfect flowers to decorate his grave with. This sucks.

I don't want any Christmas presents this year, because nothing can be better than having our Nolan with us. I plan on working both Christmas Eve & Christmas Day just so I can go to work and escape from the emptiness. It's hard because I know people have moved on and forget that I am still very so much hurting. It's just a hard time of year and I have been told "The Year of Firsts" is the hardest. SO TRUE.

So it will be a quiet Christmas, and that's okay with me. I think it would be easier to sleep through it, but that would be too easy. Head up, step by step... hopefully one year Chris and I can rock our baby in our arms on Christmas morning. A couple can only wish and hope.

7 comments:

Lauren said...

I feel the same way. The holidays seem to be the hardest for me. The holidays will be here and pass before we know it though. Hoping you find happiness despite it all.

Saffy said...

Ashley, I do understand just how hard Christmas is without the baby who should be here to celebrate it with you and I send hugs your way. I don't know if this would be your 'cup of tea' but I made Christmas stockings for our baby's NICU for quite a number of christmases. It didn't take away the fact that our baby wasn't there to share it with us, but I felt that by making the stockings for the unit I was honoring his memory.

Holly said...

You should celebrate (or not celebrate) Christmas however you feel you need to.

Courtney said...

I totally understand. We are just not in the spirit. Granted, we plan on spending the day with our familys and remembering the boys. There will be no tree, no twinkle lights, just broken hearts. I wish it didn't have to be this way with any of us. I wish I could change this for all of us.

Thinking of you dear friend. *hugs*

The Blue Sparrow said...

I know how you feel, Im feeling the same way this year. Im skipping putting up my big tree this year and have instead put up a minature tree with all of B's decorations on it. I cant seem to find the joy in the season this year either. I miss my baby too much to celebrate. *HUGS*

Rachel H. said...

Thinking of you, and I can't imagine how the holidays must feel for you this year. As always, praying and thinking of you, and I'm hoping you'll have a little blessing in your life soon!

Jessica said...

I totally understand all of this....My tree is not up and it is not going up. I do have other kids, but we are not having it here. Oh the pain. If you need anything at all I am here. Check out my blog I wrote a few poems the last few days you may enjoy the Heaven's Kiss one. Love, & Hugs, Jessica