Crashing down

I feel like the world as I used to know it is crashing down. I sit here and have so many thoughts racing through my head. Once again, the grief comes when you least expect it and it floods my brain with so many emotions. I'm sure the hype of the Duggar special started all these emotions. I just started thinking about 'our story' and all the emotions that came with that day.

I'm sick of grief, I am sick of feeling like something is constantly being dangled over my head. I am so tired of waking up and remember what my new normal is. I am exhausted from thinking what Nolan would look like or being doing right now. I wonder what Chris' and I routine would be. Just sick of wondering. I want to be experiencing!!!

I'm so tired of feeling like I need to keep the strong face. I am barely hanging on most days, but society wants to see that I am moving on and being strong. Geesh, all my readers even say how strong I am and I try to hold that and lie to myself that I am, but I really am not. I'm not.

Want to know what else I am so tired of?
Sad music. Half these songs I never would have known of if we never lost Nolan. But now that's my comfort. I would so much rather be listening to lullaby's and nursery rhymes.

I am sick of wondering when it will be our time to enjoy and have a family at home. It consumes my thoughts if we will ever get there. I shouldn't even have these, Nolan should be home with us. It's not the getting pregnant part, it's the 'nourishing' the baby while it's in my stomache will it ever make it to 36 weeks part. It's exhausting to think of.

I am sad that I avoid listening to Nolan's song at all costs to avoid the emotion. I can't even watch his video on my sidebar because I am so afraid of that breakdown. I should be watching his video all the time, its the only memory I have.

I'm so over avoiding other babies, but until we have our own in our arms, it will be that way. I hate it.
I'm so tired of feeling like the elephant in the room at work. I am tired of being "that girl" that lost her baby" I want to be happy like all my other friends with babies.
I'm sick of feeling jealous of what we don't have.

I'm sad that I have not gone back to visit Nolan since that one day last week. I am so afraid to go back and see no flowers, no life and no color at his site that I know I will fall into more tears if I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I just remind myself that MAYBE the church is getting ready to set up the statue and everything that we had arranged but I still haven't called to confirm.

I miss Nolan. I can't even put into words what this feels like. I look at his pictures and dammit, he was so perfect. Why him? Why us? He was a perfectly formed baby, I grew him- it's just amazing.

I am just so tired of grief. Tired of it being part of my life and every time I think I am feeling a little better, it shows up in odd ways. I'm so tired of feeling left behind and left out.

I'm going to go finish crying myself a river and get it all out for the time being. I tried to write it out because it usually helps, but tonight... I'm only half way there.

The Duggars

Preeclampsia.

I hate that word, HATE IT!

And as all you know, Michelle Duggar just went through this with #19, Josie at 25 weeks. Her story is so close to mine and all other mothers who have experienced this awful disease. It's a deadly and silent disease that claims the lives of so many mothers and babies.

(Nolan's birth story here)

Josie's emergent arrival will be shown on 19 Kids and Counting: Special Duggar Delivery tomorrow night covering the birth of this baby and the awful disease preeclampsia. Just watching the previews makes my eyes water up. The fear in Jim Bob's voice and the urgentness surrounding Michelle brings me back to the morning of June 8th.

I am undecided about watching it or not. Although, I am so excited that they are allowing TLC to cover this allowing to give more awareness to Pre-e, but it will be personally emotional to watch it.

Thankfully, their lil micro-preemie, only a little bit bigger than Nolan is striving in the NICU and has a hopeful and positive outcome. Thank the lord. I just wish I had the same story and Nolan could have done the same.

I guess I just don't understand why me? Why did we end up here? How could preeclampsia strike a healthy young women (me)? It goes to show you how serious this disease is and how much more awareness needs to be done. Seriously, I never knew what it was until the week before Nolan was born.

So to the Pre-e Moms, are you going to watch this?

EDIT!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM & SILAS!
Niki, a fellow pre-e Mom and mother to Myles just gave birth via surrogate(her cousin) to 2 beautiful and healthy baby boys! Niki is the FIRST person I connected with after we lost Nolan. I met her through the preeclampsia.org foundation and her son Myles had a strikingly similar story to Nolan.
So congrats Niki! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for you!
To visit her blog go here : My Journey to Myles & Beyond

Pot Roast Thoughts

I think I just mastered the Pot Roast in the crock pot. I am not for certain yet but the aroma and quick bite of one of the carrots has me drooling for more. So what am I waiting for? Chris to get home from work at 6am. So my pot roast has been cooking since 10pm last night and should be finished just about when he walks in the door.

Now I am sitting here in the dark counting down the last few hours until Chris gets home. I have entertained the idea how I should be hanging out with a little guy named Nolan instead of watching movie after movie all alone and making midnight pot roasts. Like, shouldn't I be feeding him off and on through the night? Wait no... he would be older?...right? Babies that age sleep though the night? God, I don't even know and I am a freaking Mom! Why don't I know?... Because I never got to bring him home to find out. To watch him grow, learn his habits and enjoy the simple things. I am a Mom that doesn't know how to do 'Mom' things. What does a 7 month old do? Dare I google and find out, I think I will pass on that one. Will I ever find out what a 7 month old does? Who knows, but the unknown gives more anxiety than you can think of.

See how a simple midnight pot roast can bring the overwhelming emptiness that occupies my thoughts. Here I am rambling about my thoughts, partially because I felt inclined to blog since I am watching that Julia & Julie movie, you know the one about blogging. I guess you got what was on my mind once again, random.

March of Dimes

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Did you notice my newest addition to my sidebar?!

My friend Christina is walking in the March of Dimes, as she does every year, but this year is a little different. She is walking for Nolan. Bless her heart for thinking of us and dedicating her walk to Nolan. Thank You Christina, I just didn't have the emotional strength to participate this year myself.

So I kindly ask you to throw in a dollar or ten and do it for Nolan. I thank you all in advance and I look forward to seeing every dollar add up. It means more babies saved, less families feeling this hurt.

Let's see how much we can raise!!

Dear Nolan,

I can't even begin to tell you how I am feeling right now. Your Daddy and I went to go visit you at the memorial garden today and noticed all your flowers are gone, your pinwheel, everything. Tears flooded my face and I couldn't help but think out empty your place looked. I knew in time that we wouldn't be able to decorate your special spot when the garden was more full. But I wasn't ready for this yet, wasn't expecting it and was caught off guard.

Every month I look forward to making your flowers or finding the perfect decoration. It's the only control I have. I can't go to Carters and find the cute outfits or perfect first pair of shoes. I can't buy new stuff to give you. I know you wouldn't care about it all anyways because it's all materialistic things, but it helps me cope. The things I never would have take for granted if you were still here.

I hope that your flowers come back, maybe I just happened to visit on a day that they are getting ready to do ground work. I'm not real sure baby, I just wish I knew because I wasn't prepared to see your spot empty. The whole place looked empty and it just breaks my heart.
I promise to find a way to do something, I'm not real sure what it will be. I know you probably don't care either way, but I do.

I love you munchin, more than a vase of flowers and pinwheel can ever show you.
Love,
Your Mommy

Blog friends

I met a blogger friend in person the other day, Lauren. We met at Starbucks and talked about our babies while sipping on Lattes. I can't say it enough, it's just so much easier to talk to someone who has been through the heartache unfortunatly. I don't feel awkward talking about the raw feelings I wrote about the past few months because she has been through the SAME EXACT THING. I didn't feel like I was putting someone in an awkward position when I talk about Nolan, his death or anything of the sort.

It was just nice to be fully comfortable talking about my son. I mean, I will ALWAYS take the chance to talk about Nolan but I always try to talk only about his life vs his death and the followings. It's just easier.

Thank you Lauren for the great coffee date and the good conversation about our babies and future pregnancy worries. I wish we never had this date, I really do. She should be planning her babies (4- yes 4 babies) first birthday party and I should be, well... just with Nolan.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. A good friend from high school is coming to Florida to stay with us. I'm super excited and have tons of fun things planned. So I am sure I will be MIA for a few days but promise to post some pictures when I come back.

99 Balloons

99 Balloons (youtube it)
Ever watch this?
Well I am in tears. (Chris just looked over at me sobbing and had the most clueless face- I hadn't cried like that in awhile) I have watched it before but watching it this time had a whole new meaning.
The way the Dad speaks of his wife....that was ME, just not 99 days...it was 3 days. But 3 days better than none.
I was the proudest Mom, showed Nolan off to everyone. He was our miracle, a miracle our MFM Doctors were saying wouldn't happen. And just as the Dad said in the video. She compared those moments to those of your son becoming the President or winning the Heisman Trophy.

Special Friends

Thank You Lisa (Jasper's Mommy) for thinking of Nolan and sending me this picture. It just makes me smile when I know others think of Nolan and remember him.

I'm excited for tomorrow, I am meeting with Lauren from Lauren's Blog for coffee. It will be our first time meeting. I hate that we are even meeting for the one reason that brought us together. She is a Mom to 4 beautiful angels, her "Greenbeans" and we have shared the same path in the past year. I look forward to meeting you Lauren, can't wait!

Our Cruise: Part II

St Thomas. It's one of our favorite islands to go to, great shopping, cheap rum...oh and we got engaged last time we visited. On our last visit we took an excursion to St Johns. Chris got down on one knew on the empty beach in St Johns and popped the question.

So when we knew we were coming back, we planned to take that same catamaran excursion to Honeymoon Beach, St Johns. It was just as beautiful as I remembered it the first time. So with out further a do, pictures!


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This time there's a wedding band...wooo!
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Also on this cruise, we...

Relaxed A LOT! Lots of pool side drinks, laying out in the sun and many visits to the thermal suite in the spa.

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One of our favorite places to wind down was our own balcony. We would eat lunch out there every day, have wine before dinner every night and just sit back and relax.

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Oh and how can I forget about ALL THE FOOD! We were lucky enough to be chosen to join the Chef's Table one night. The night starts out in the galley's (the kitchen) where they serve you drinks and you get to watch all the caos of dinner hour. They serve a few of the Chefs appitizers and then bring you out to a special table where the main Chef cooks your entire meal. It was AWESOME! Delicious food, bottomless wine glass and amazing deserts. I couldn't ask for a better night in the dining room. I hope we get the chance to do it again.

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And of course you can't go on a cruise if you don't plan on living it up. We met great new friends and spent tons of time going to dinner, hanging out at the pool, going to shows, getting hypnotized and dancing in Skywalkers Nightclub until the wee hours of dawn.

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Our Cruise: Long overdue!

So I started this post one night and I totally forgot about it. I have been meaning to post about our cruise back in Dec. Gosh darn me. So here we go.

Our cruise left from Ft Lauderdale on the Ruby Princess, the same ship that we were married on just a year ago. It was nice to go back on the ship and have so many GOOD memories to think about. We went and had a drink out on the deck we were married on. So we set sail for Princess Cays Bahammas. We went to the beach and I wrote Nolan's name in the sand.Chris & I sailing away!

Trying to get Nolan's name in the sand in Princess Cays, Bahamas

Waking up in St Kitts

Acting like a fool in St Kitts

The Ruby docked in Antigua

We went to a fun beach in Barbados. They had this swing and I just HAD to jump of it!

In St Lucia we went on an all day excursion with Cosol Tours. It was absolutely amazing! We went to a banana plantation, had lunch over looking the ocean from a mountain top, saw a beautiful waterfall, an active volcano, took a water taxi to a beach in between The Pitnons and on top of all that had free beer and rum punch ALL DAY! I will admit we were feeling pretty toasty by the end of the day. We met some awesome new friends and had an absolute blast. I have to say, we look forward to going back to St Lucia one day!

Banana Plantation

At the beach in between the Pitnons

Trying to win at Bingo to pay off our cruise tab! Too bad it didn't work.

Getting crazy in Antigua with awesome new friends

Dinner at the Crown Grill on formal night.

So this is only half of the pictures and since blogger is a pain when it comes to adding pictures, I will make this part I of our cruise post.