Saturday, January 16, 2010

Dear Nolan,

A year ago this week, I was 6 weeks pregnant with you. You were the size of a raspberry or blueberry or something like that. I was getting cravings, popping out of my normal size jeans and craving the wine I couldn't have and was out of energy. Just a year ago, I was clueless. A year ago, I was naive. A year ago, I thought in 9 months we would be rocking you to sleep, staying in on the weekends and making our world circle around you.

But a year later, your nursery is a memory room and remains empty. Your clothes and toys are carefully packed and hidden in the back of your closet. Your name is spoken of in memories and not stories. Our world now circles around keeping your memory alive. A year later, I crave being pregnant with you again. I crave the happy first few months, the months when we had no clue how sick you were. I crave that excitement and hope that you carry with you when your pregnant.

I remember I ate, breathed, and talked baby for months. We were just SO EXCITED about our arrival. We had been planning you (well a baby) for over a year. Every baby I saw gave me baby fever and we were so excited that we were going to be able to start that journey in 2009. I can't even begin to tell you how much you were wanted before you were even a twinkle in our eyes.

I miss you Nolan. I get so mad that I don't have the blog I was suppose to have with you. You know the blogs that show pictures and videos of you growing. We would be writing posts with funny stories about you or new adventures you went on. Instead, I have 9 posts of our life. It just seems too short. I still can't believe that you would be 7 months old right now.

Mommy has had a rough week and I need you to bring me some strength or something of those sorts. I just have so much going through my head and I can't stop thinking about you. I keep thinking about how in an instant your world can turn upside down- as we all learned. (Gosh, I just thought of all those people in Haiti as I typed that). I love you little guy, miss you and I think about you all the time. Send Mommy some comfort & strength and maybe a little- ok big- present sometime soon.

Miss you munchkin.
Love,
Your Mommy

6 comments:

The Blue Sparrow said...

*HUGS*

cmatsukes said...

I hope you get your bundle of joy healthy and happy soon.

Kerri said...

I want to say that I love reading your blog! I am so sorry for your loss, but, you are such a STRONG woman. I was wondering how you did your signature for your blog? I really like it.
If you can, can you email me?
kerrirn99@aol.com
Stay strong. I can't imagine your grief, but you are always in my prayers!

Jessica said...

beautiful words to your beautiful boy.

Mikael@starter home to dream home said...

I have tears running down my face! I once lost a baby, early in my pregnancy. I can only imagine the pain you feel. I am so sorry. Let yourself grieve.
I am glad that my little, insignificant, blog brings a smile to your face (if you could only see the "behind the scenes" with every renovation, now that would make you laugh).
Mikael

Holly said...

You never would have imagined at that point in your life that things could have taken the course that they did.