A year ago this week, I was 6 weeks pregnant with you. You were the size of a raspberry or blueberry or something like that. I was getting cravings, popping out of my normal size jeans and craving the wine I couldn't have and was out of energy. Just a year ago, I was clueless. A year ago, I was naive. A year ago, I thought in 9 months we would be rocking you to sleep, staying in on the weekends and making our world circle around you.
But a year later, your nursery is a memory room and remains empty. Your clothes and toys are carefully packed and hidden in the back of your closet. Your name is spoken of in memories and not stories. Our world now circles around keeping your memory alive. A year later, I crave being pregnant with you again. I crave the happy first few months, the months when we had no clue how sick you were. I crave that excitement and hope that you carry with you when your pregnant.
I remember I ate, breathed, and talked baby for months. We were just SO EXCITED about our arrival. We had been planning you (well a baby) for over a year. Every baby I saw gave me baby fever and we were so excited that we were going to be able to start that journey in 2009. I can't even begin to tell you how much you were wanted before you were even a twinkle in our eyes.
I miss you Nolan. I get so mad that I don't have the blog I was suppose to have with you. You know the blogs that show pictures and videos of you growing. We would be writing posts with funny stories about you or new adventures you went on. Instead, I have 9 posts of our life. It just seems too short. I still can't believe that you would be 7 months old right now.
Mommy has had a rough week and I need you to bring me some strength or something of those sorts. I just have so much going through my head and I can't stop thinking about you. I keep thinking about how in an instant your world can turn upside down- as we all learned. (Gosh, I just thought of all those people in Haiti as I typed that). I love you little guy, miss you and I think about you all the time. Send Mommy some comfort & strength and maybe a little- ok big- present sometime soon.
Miss you munchkin.