Monday, January 4, 2010


I am a MOM.

Sometimes I forget that I am- like a real MOM.

I think it's because I don't have a constant reminder looking back at me everyday and needing me.
I know I HAD Nolan, I know I am his Mother... but I often forget that I am a MOM.

I'm sure this makes no sense. It's just on my mind and it's bothering me. Maybe because I dreamed of the day I would be called a Mom. I think being the oldest of 4 kids helped this, I was the 3rd provider, especially being 5 years older then the other 3. It's in my blood and I so want to be a Mom just like mine. I guess I never expected to be this type of Mom, who does..???

I was over helping Val paint tonight and she was telling me a story about another couple they hang out with and all I could think about is... Is that the family that brought their newborn over to your house before Chris and I got married? I remember I was so EXCITED to hold the baby and Val was telling the Mom that I was itching to have our own.

I really did think we had our ducks in line. Our wedding would be awesome, we would get pregnant and have the perfect family and live happily ever after. I don't think I took into account that 'things' don't always go as planned.

Just as I remember doing clinical hours as a student in the NICU back in 2006. I remember the tiny tiny baby fighting, and remember when he coded and didn't make it. I remember being on the 'other side' and seeing the nurses and RT's prepare the family, put them in the family room, dress up the baby in it's only
outfit, taking 'that' picture and NOW I WAS THAT FAMILY.

That was really ME!

I was the one that watched my son code, prayed out loud the Our
Father & Hail Mary as they were doing compressions on OUR BABY. The family that sobbed at the bedside and had to make the split second decision to stop the code. The family that was walked to 'that room' with my heartless son in my arms.

THAT family that had to call all the family members in 2am to tell them to come say their final goodbye. THAT family that I know the nurses were just waiting for us to give Nolan back to them so they could take his final picture and rearrange all the details that I was once on the other side. We were THAT family.

Holy cow, THIS is my definition of MOTHER. I hope, pray and beg that the next time we never have to step foot in the NICU and that we get to walk (me wheel) out the doors of Healthpark with a baby in arms. Please please please pray with me as I hope this is how it works out next time.
I guess when I saw the family lose their baby in the NICU as a student, I NEVER EVER expected for it to be 'US' one day.

WOW. Life is so unpredictable.

But, in the end... we gave life.. We are parents. I am A MOM, Chris is a DAD. Just a different kind than we ever pictured.


Lauren said...

You are definately a mom. I'm sorry Nolan isn't here with you today, but you're still his mommy.


Courtney said...

It is a hard definition of a Mom that NO mother wants to have for herself but we ARE Mommies to our sons. Always have and ALWAYS will be.

It hurts so much to not have the constant reasons here with us that give us that very title.

*Thinking of you*

Jessica said...

You definately are a MOM. *huge hugs* Praying for all the babyloss mommas that one day we all get our rainbow.

Fanny said...

You are a mom. Nolan is always present in your thoughts, and in mine, as well as so many other people. He was and still is real.
I know that you will soon have your wishes, and get to take your baby home with you. I'll just keep praying and thinking of you everytime I see a baby.
If you ever have these thoughts again, I want you to remember; you are the kind of mom that fights for her child. You are the kind of mom that does everything she can to keep her child safe, and keeps him always in her heart. You are the kind of mom I would like to be one day. Strong, fighting, loving, and just amazing.

Brie said...

thanks for posting that Ashley..You are right on..You are a MOTHER, and CHRIS is a FATHER, and you two have a beautiful BABY together. I am so sorry that he is not still on earth with you two, and my fingers are crossed that all of us babyloss mama's bring one home in 2010.

Alex said...

I am a long time reader of your blog. You are so brave and so strong and I KNOW that Nolan picked you to be his mom because of how much you love him. He is always with you-and just because its not physical-doesn't mean it doesn't count. A mother is a mother for the love they feel for their child on the inside.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Wow, it was kinda hard to read this today because you reminded me that I am a mom too. And yes, I forget it alot because my babies aernt here with me and I never imagined being this kind of a mom either. But thank you for posting this, I think I needed to be reminded that I am. *HUGS*

Holly said...

No doubt you are a mommy! You never imagine things like this to happen to you. I was certain that I would never walk the road I have but here I am.

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

You are most certainly a mom, a wonderful mom to a precious angel. I think of you often even tho I don't "know" you. I pray for you and Chris as well. I will continue to as well.

Shannon said...

Absolutely you are a mom and Chris is a dad! I can't wait for you to announce that Nolan is going to be a big brother. I am praying for you and all moms like you that you will each bring home a baby this year.

Rachel H. said...

Love this post and as everyone says, you are definitely a Mom! Thinking of you always! And praying that 2010 is a great year for you!

ryansmom said...

My prayers are with you and Chris.

jludwig said...

Praying 2010 has only positive things to come! I saw this necklace on etsy and immediately thought of Nolan's Story...[]=tags&includes[]=title

~Denise~ said...

You are most definitely a mom, and if anyone would tell you otherwise...well, your readers will go after them.

Nolan had touched many lives, and will not be forgotten.

Love and hugs

Frye79 said...

That was beautiful, Ashley!

You are a wonderful MOTHER, and will always be a wonderful Mom.

You and Chris are the proudest parent's I've ever met.

Miche said...

Somehow I missed this post the other day when I stopped by. It is a good one.

Sometimes I think you are right we do forget we are moms and dads of our little ones even though they aren't here.

You are a wonderful MOMMY! Keep it up!

Also, I have your blessing ring in my possession :) I'll mail it soon PROMISE!