Monday, March 8, 2010

Dear Nolan,

Happy 9 month birthday little guy.Talk about a Marvelous Monday if there ever was one.
9 months ago today, you made your appearance but not by choice.  I still can't believe you would have been 9 months old today, it just seems like yesterday you were born. 9 months is an eternity in my world, I didn't even carry you for 9 months. But here I am sitting here amazed that that I have made it this far.It's been hard living without you Nolan, very hard.

I still find any chance I can get to talk about you, the delivery itself or your short but miraculous life here on Earth. I almost look for chances. Just like tonight when we were out with friends, they were talking about child birth and I sometimes forget that I experienced part of that. It's not that I am forgetting YOU, it's the fear and urgent-ness (I know it's not a word) that happened that morning that overshadowed what I really went through.

I gave birth, I went through the motions...

I had the baby dopplers on, 2 blue circles that they had the hardest time finding your heartbeat because you were so dang tiny. We called family and especially your Grandparents at the last minute to tell them your name that we has just finalized seconds before that.

Your Dad was dressed up in OR blues and his poor feet didn't even fit into the booties. We know where you got your big feet from. Oh and in all the rush of everything, we almost for got a camera to bring into the OR. I guess when we were admitted, I never once in a million years would think that you would be arriving just a few hours later. Dad only brought my pillow, some pajamas and of course my laptop to the hospital that night. But thankfully Grandpa and Valorie remembered and had a camera delivered to Dad just in time to head back to the OR.

I remember feeling confident given the situation. I wasn't  scared about the spinal or even the surgery itself. I WAS scared about the foley catheter, I bothered the heck out of that poor nurse about making sure she put it in after I couldn't feel it. I remember Dr Fish having such a calm attitude even though she was probably just as nervous if not more than I was. I remember shaking uncontrollably after the anaesthesia had been administered, but the anesthesiologist reminding me that it was normal. I remember asking TONS of completely random questions to Dr Fish, but you could tell I was a bit loopy. Daddy claims I was pretty humorous and Dr Fish even commented on it a few weeks later.
I remember when Dr Fish took you out and I got to hear a squeak from you. The best sound ever and reassurance you were going to fight. I remember the OR nurse calling into the room your APGARS and Dr Fish saying you have better APGARS than some of her full term babies. What a proud moment for your Daddy and I. I don't remember much after that because the anesthesiologist gave me some nice meds to knock me out so I wasn't awake for the rest of the surgery. I know daddy came to see you right away.

I.gave.birth.to.you and I gave you life.
 It may have been one chaotic, rushed and scary delivery but it happened and it happened with loads of hope that you were going to make it. I am so thankful for all the Dr's, OR nurses, my poor nurses that morning on 2S, and the unbelievable NICU team that worked on you. One day, and I hope soon, I can be one of the respiratory therapists working on a baby for another Mom in my spot. It's what I went into respiratory for and now I have even more of a reason and a passion to go there.
I miss you Nolan and that will never change. I love you more than anything in this world and I wonder what life would be like everyday if you were still here. So for this Marvelous Monday, I have to admit that I am so thankful that I got this experience, I got to give birth to you, I got to meet you and got to have that hope for you. 
Just an hour after you were born

 Happy 9 month birthday sweet baby, I love you more than I can EVER express.
Love,
Your Mommy

15 comments:

Lana said...

happy 9 months little one - well done on making it this far Ashley! its a hell of a ride!

Andrea said...

Ashley,

Sending you love and may you forever feel the brush of Nolan's wings. Time helps in many ways, but hurts deeply as well. The way you honor your son is inspiring and you WILL is admirable. Yes, I admire you :)

Many HUGS,
Andrea
ps on a little side note: I saw your cute Guess Nautical thongs in Marshall's last week for $20

. said...

Saw this.... thought of you guys! (hugs)
http://www.landsend.co.uk/pp/Anchor-Necklace~6825_8.html?CM_MERCH=PGGT_3_from_0000390786_to_0000390845

Jill said...

Happy 9 months sweet Nolan! I love the pictures. Yes, you gave birth Ashley. You gave birth to a beautiful, amazing little boy.

Charity said...

What a lovely post Ashley... you have an amazing story.
Praying for you!
Blessings in Him,
Charity

Tony, Cindy, and Bailey said...

Inspirational and Beautiful

Bluebird said...

Ah, sweet girl. Thank you for sharing this with us. I "enjoyed," for lack of a better word, reading your story; your experience. I understand what you meant when you said that sometimes you forget that you experienced that (childbirth). I'm the same way. . . sometimes, when people around me are talking about it, I can do nothing but remember and I have to stop myself from chiming in! Because I do know that, while I experienced it, it was different. But sometimes I feel like they're talking around me, and it's not until later that I could have joined in. . .

I love the photo of you in the hospital - so brave and full of hope. And little Nolan with his awesome APGARs :)

Wish he were here.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Happy 9 months Nolan! *HUGS*

*Laura Angel said...

*tears* Happy 9 mo Nolan!

jamie said...

Happy 9 month B-day Nolan! You and Chris ARE definitely parents, it just stinks you can't "parent" everyday.

I love the pics - and I too was/ am still terrified of the foley. A fear that will never go away :)

Good job on this roller-coaster so far - you are doing amazing.

Maggie said...

Happy 9 months sweet little Nolan! Thanks for sharing. Such a beautiful story and post. XO

Lauren said...

Happy 9 months in Heaven, Sweet Nolan.

Big Hugs to you!!
Lauren

Holly said...

Happy 9 month birthday Nolan. You are so beautiful!

Eco-Friendly and Frugal said...

Happy 9 Months, Nolan!

kanishk said...

well done on making it this far Ashley! its a hell of a ride!
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