Sunday, March 14, 2010

Food for thought

A thought.. it's something that has been lurking in my head lately so why not try to type it out...

I AM a MOM. I always feel like I have to remind myself. I have come across so many bloggers
that are part of these communities known as Mommy Blogs, where they talk about their experiences and such and such. I really like blogging too and have done the same but I don't fit in. I can't add my site to a Top Mommy blog because quite honestly, I don't write about how I am mothering a child. I have no advice to give, no product reviews to write about and no new pictures to show of little ones. Yet, I can share my battle with grief and tell you how it is to live day by day, hour by hour wishing this pain would go away, learning to live a new normal and try to keep your babies story alive- I'm good at that. One example of this is on they have this section for "Real Moms. Real Stories"
Ironic that they add this to the Pregnancy Loss/Miscarriage board- Where's the knife?

You think they would ever consider my story, naw probably not. It would scare the living crap out of people- I don't want to do that
. I admit, I have a scary story but the part that I gave birth to a 13 ounce miracle who made it 3 days makes it pretty real and makes me a MOM. Right?

  It hit the other night when I went to add my blog to a list and it asked what category my blog is in...

Parenting (life with kids)
ect ect

I don't have a life with kids but yet I am a Mother? Where would I fit in? Parenting (life without kids)?

I feel like I am in a constant battle reminding myself that I am a Mom, a mother to a 13 ounce little boy. The only time I feel like his Mom is when people talk about him or ask about him. It made my night last night when one of the x-ray
tech at work looked at his picture on my name badge and asked if he could look at my little boy.
OF COURSE you can, that's right.. he was MY little boy. I had a little son.
Maybe this is all coming to terms that I am just a different kind of Mom. Does that mean when I have a baby in my arms I become the real Mom? or a living Mom? I don't know.. this all probably sounds crazy but it's stuff I think about.

I guess I am just in an identity crisis. I hold no grudge against those in the desired club, many are my friends. But I just so badly want to feel part of them too. I just feel like the kid left out in recess, or the last kid to be picked on a team. Get it?

So in attempts to connect with other Moms and feel like part of the club that is socially acceptable I figured it wouldn't hurt to join this twitter thing. Maybe it will help. (forgive me, I am still learning how to use this darn thing)

I am ashamed to admit, I like Twitter. I PROMISED and swore up and down that I would never get it, but it has slowly grown on me. So since I am always up to follow new people I had to post this when I read it on
TaterTwins blog this morning.

Check out the Yo Tweets Twaffic
Exchange CARNIVAL-
Twitter Icon
1. Click on my twitter Icon above. Follow me!
2. Shout me a hello on twitter. @smashrt
I follow!! #yotweeps
Then I'll know you followed and I'll reciprocate. SO EASY to do this way! Especially if you use tweetdeck
3. Do YOU want more tweeps?
Blog about it.

4. Also for more tweeps, click on the dude above.


Jessica said...

It is such an identity crisis and I think thats why we all get each other so is is in this community that we are treated like real moms. We hear and read our chilren's names on a regular basis. *hugs*

I still don't get Twitter LOL.

Jaime said...

I love that you got to show Nolan, (your son!!) off to a fellow employee!

It doesn't come often but I do get a little twinge of excitement when someone asks about Claire. The acknowledgment of her little life makes me so happy!

If only more people could understand how much we want to talk about our kiddos instead of taking the "I don't want to upset her" route life would be a little easier for us all.

Ahh, Twitter! I signed up the day Oprah decided too... my interest lasted about a month. It was fascinating to see celebrities talk about the everyday nothingness but I gave up after a while. Maybe it's time to get back at it and see what's new!

Have a great day, Mama Ashley!!

Jamie said...

My daughter was born and lost on March 19th, 2009. I remember when Mother's Day rolled around, shortly after... everyone kind of side eyed me and didn't say a word. And while I didn't show it, I felt robbed.

And then MY mom gave me a beautiful card and flowers. And instead of crying, like everyone seemed to expect, I just finally felt like someone recognized me for what I was. Even if it was only a day.

MommaPebz said...

aww hun, I found you through the #yotweeps twitter hicky & I am SO glad I did!

We miscarried our baby boy at 1 day shy of 19 weeks this past September. I struggle too, with trying to give our boy his rightful place in our family, but not quite sure how to do it. I am a mom (I have a 6 year old little girl), but I also had a son, even if we never officially got to meet him.

you are in my prayers, & just remember that God has a reason behind everything that happens, even if it doesn't make sense at the time!

belle said...

dear ashley..... you HAVE a son :) not had (may i be so bold???) you ARE a mom and a beautiful, loving, caring one that honors the memory of your son and his short life by all that you say and do! no one can ever take your precious nolan away from you and no matter how many children you hold in your arms in the future, no one will ever replace that amazing little one that came first.

parenting a dead baby is such a unique thing.... i have 4 living ones and 4 dead ones.... and i still have an identity crisis over it too. i too want to scream the names of my missing children from the tops of the roofs! it is a knife in the heart every time someone asks me how many kids i have! if i say 4, i am dishonest and de-valuing my little ones gone gone home, if i say 8 then i have to explain and deal with the looks of confusion and blank stares.... i've even had people ARGUE with me that i don't have 8!?!?!?! seriously! my own family!

hugs to you today. you are a wonderful mom to a beautiful son and his name is NOLAN!

Jayme said...

Being a dead baby mom is SO HARD. I can't imagine if I had no living kids, since I struggle with where I fit in too, and I do have some that are here.

I also thought I'd hate twitter, and stayed away even after signing up ages ago... and recently got sucked in.

Maggie said...

I definitely feel like I don't fit in sometimes. I think one of the reasons I like this community so much is it's a constant reminder that we ARE all Moms to our babies even if they aren't here with us. (((HUGS)))
p.s. I don't get Twitter either. I'm on there to check posts from Conan O'Brien and that's about it! :)

Brie said...

I hear ya! I often feel left out, or that I can't join in a conversation just because of my experience. I love when people ask me about my little girl, or talk abotu her like it's NOT a touchy subject.

I can't expect anyone who has never been in my shoes to understand the thin line between "am I?" or "aren't I, a mom?" that I constantly teeter on the edge of.

We ARE moms. We gave birth, and we LOVE our children, alive or not.

Saffy said...

I get it. The whole not quite fitting because you don't fit into one of the prescribed boxes of mummyhood - I remember one mum-to- be saying to me that she didn't want to hang out with me while she was pregnant because she was worried that I was bad luck and might jinx her (WTF?)

You are a mummy, you'll always be a mummy. One who fought so hard for her baby. Even if you go on to have other children, Nolan will always be your first, precious, sweet child.

I think we're lucky to live in this age when the internet can connect a community of people with similar, shared experiences. A community where your Nolan's life is celebrated and acknowledged - and your role of mummy is confirmed. It doesn't take the hurt away, but it helps with the feelings of loneliness and isolation. Big hugs.

As for Twitter - yeah, I'm lovin it. Far more than Facebook.

Christinie said...

You are a MOM! I agree with the identity crisis. I am fortunate enough to have some of my children here on earth with me. I always say I have 6 children. Two birth and one fosterchild here, 3 in heaven. People don't like it and get uncomfortable. I don't care. You shouldn't either. You are Nolan's mom. You love him he loves you.

Lisette said...

Thinking of you and your precious Nolan. Sending you big ((hugs)).

The Blue Sparrow said...

I relate to this identity crisis so much. I am constantly reminding myself that I am a mom and that just because my babies are no longer here doesnt negate that fact. I breathed life into them in my womb, they were real. I am a real mom! The only difference between us and those other "real moms" is that we mother our babies from afar. I like to think that we feel and appreciate more deeply because of this fact. *HUGS*

Jesse and Monica said...

I have a healthy 4.5 month so I can hardly identify with mothers who have suffered the loss of a child. But I would like you to know that it is because of you and your unimaginable loss that I am aware to the fact that there are too many babies who fight to survive and too many babies who do fight but still don't make it. It is because of your loss that makes me want to make a difference by someway or somehow. It is because of Nolan that I have made my first donation of the March of Dimes website. It is because of his short life that I will be participating in the march next year.

God bless Ashley! You are so strong!

kanishk said...

.it is is in this community that we are treated like real moms.
Work From Home

Tara said...

Ashley, I can't imagine what you've been through. I'm not married and I have never had any kids. My mom miscarried twins before I was born and I know she still feels that grief 30 years later. I don't know if that makes you feel worse or better. I suspect, having read your blog, that you will feel better knowing that you'll never forget your baby, even if the memories can be sad.

When I first considered your feelings of "Am I a Mom?" I thought of course you were but I know that it's harder for you to see that in between the times when people ask about Nolan. But remember, if your parents pass, you never stop being a daughter. If your sibling dies, you don't stop being a sister. So just because your precious boy passed doesn't make you any less of a mom. You're obviously a great mom and the fact that you honor Nolan with this blog and in your life speaks volumes about you.

And as someone else said, it looks like you've created a great community of REAL Moms with your blog and The Bump would be lucky to have your insight and contribution.

I know we don't know each other but I hope this helps a little. Hang in there.

Messy Mommy said...

I wish I had the perfect words to say to you. Fortunately I've never had to go through what you're going through. You have a strength I could only dream of. Praying for you. I've started a weekly Prayer is Power post every Sunday, and I'd like to start featuring others' stories about how the power of prayer has affected their lives. Would you be interested in writing about that? Thanks and my prayers are with you.

carrie said...

You are DEFINITELY a mom, and your story brought tears to my eyes. I lost my lila grace at 3months old. It's the hardest thing to lose a child... I send love and hugs your way.
luv, carrie b.