Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sigh

“Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were an hour old I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."

Gosh this is so true. I posted new pictures on my locker at work last night. I got some new ones printed and just had to add them. After looking at them, all I want to do is scoop Nolan up and hold him, squeeze him tight to my chest. He is so darn cute and it’s hard to believe that we can’t do that given the fact of how real he was.

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I just miss him so much. I miss that happiness I felt when he was alive in the NICU. I miss it all. Next week I have to go to see Dr F in the office we went to for all of Nolan’s visits. I have to see the same ultrasound tech and I know it’s going to be emotionally draining. I haven't been back to that office since the last day Nolan was alive. The last time I stepped foot in there was to give the tech and secretary his blog to watch Nolan grow since they knew us so well with our every other day visits before he was born. (The office is in the hospital Nolan was born and I have been going to the other office ever since then)

Now I have to go back to the place that our nightmare happened. I’m dreading it. A year ago, I was counting down the days to our next ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or girl. Now it’s so different. I have SO much anxiety stepping foot in the place I left empty handed.

7 comments:

Maggie said...

Hugs to you! I'm actually switching doctors so I'll never have to go back to that 'place' again. It's so very hard. I'll be thinking of you! XO

Lisette said...

I am so sorry you have go back there. Praying for strength to help you get through this. ((HUGS))

belle said...

(((HUGS< HUGS< HUGS)))

Saffy said...

You're one brave, strong woman so I know you'll do fine on the day. Back to 'that place' sure is a stretch though. I hope it goes well and there's no waiting (to drag it out).

Stephanie said...

I know I don't know you, but I read your blog regularly. I don't remember now who linked me up to you, but I'm a "regular". Anyway, I saw this today, and it made me think of you. I know it's weird since I don't know you, but...I'm here anyway. It's 70% off today, too.
http://www.coldwatercreek.com/Products/Detail.aspx?productid=49126&ensembleid=55280&colorid=000&refLink=decorative-items.aspx

Katherine, Jerrod and Elizabeth said...

I think about you every day. Everytime I see an anchor I think of you. James Avery has a new charm that is an anchor cross. You are a strong and brave woman. I wish I had half of the strength that you have.

EvansMommy said...

Ashley, I'm not sure that I've ever left you a comment but I have been reading your blog for quite some time. I think of you often. I live in Lubbock, TX and will be participating in the March for Babies on April 17th. I wanted to let you know that I have chosen to walk in memory of Nolan and Jillian (Megan's daughter from afterjillian.com)

I could not find a way to contact you in private, but if you'd like to get in touch my email is bree.price@hotmail.com I will try to get a picture at the walk and send it to you if you'd like!