Monday, August 1, 2011

I read emotion

It's 5:04 in the morning. I am wide awake- yet it's not an unusual time for me to be awake considering my work schedule. But I stayed awake yesterday after getting off work, only taking a small cat nap, meaning I should be in a deep slumber praying the baby decides to sleep in.

Instead, I have tossed and turned since 1:34am when I woke up to the voices of the Kardashian sisters on our bedroom TV. Oops, forgot to turn that off last night. I last remember blog hopping from my ipad with the TV on in the background. Husband passed out 2 seconds after he hit the pillow. I dozed off mid read on a blog, probably the 10th one I had found last night. I have been discovering new reads to add to my reader every night. I look at it as starting a new novel, that's my reading material, blogs.

How in the world did I ever get sucked into blog land? I have never written in my life. Book reports, essays and speeches were not up my alley. I am sure I barely passed any writing intensive courses in high school and college. Hence why my career is a critical thinking, scientific jumble of a mess. I think I would jump off a skyscraper if I had to write reports, essays and things of that nature of my career. To add to that, I have never been a reader. Sure I read gossip magazines, the occasional easy to read book and sift through pages and pretend like I am interested in the aisles of Barnes and Noble. So how did I ever find myself writing a blog, non the less have readers that want to read it? How in the heck do I focus long enough to read the amount of blogs I do? What pulls me in?

Emotion. True emotion. Emotion about loss, emotion about a new family, adoption, a sickness, weightloss.... the list goes on and on....

This blog was intended to keep my family involved in the fun updates of our first pregnancy. Maybe even be a tid bit to share with our future child. Never did I expect to pour my feelings and dig deep into my heart and tap it all out on a keyboard. Something I never ever loved to do, found any pleasure in at all in the past- ended up being my therapy at a time I found no help from anything else. My fingers gracefully dancing on the keyboard and the tapping sound of my fingers hitting the keys was better than any therapy or drug could buy. I didn't have to think, I just typed.

In reverse, I found myself pulled into other's lives. I wanted to read emotion, feel their story. I quickly started adding blogs to my reader and became addicted to blogs. Me, read?! Yes!
When we first found out of Nolan's growth restriction in utero, I came home and scoured the Internet for a story. I wanted to find the golden story of hope. Someone that had been in my shoes and had a hopeful outcome. That was my way of finding hope in our situation, I found many of blogs because those particular people shared their story, just as I found myself doing. The following month after we lost Nolan, I found myself scouring blog land for others who have lost their child. I needed not to feel alone.

Before I even knew it, I landed myself in a community in blog land. One that any normal person would never search for, in fact the normal person would never even fathom. But one blog would lead to another blog which would link to another blog and this is where I became part of the BLM blogging community.

BLM= Baby Loss Mom
Sad. Right?

I mean, I never knew there was an "official" name for us mothers.
So here I am, 2 years later and to this day I will be part of this community.

Tonight, while I was laying in bed I was thinking about these blogs and the women I have met over the 2 years and realized how lucky I am that I have been connected to them. I am still friends with most of the original blogs I started reading that very week I came home empty armed. I was thinking about how crazy it is that we all somehow fell upon each others blog and how without this technology we never would have had each other.
Who ever thought that I would find comfort, joy and friendship out of something I used to loathe doing.

At the ripe age of 28, I learned I love to write. I love to share my story because I hope that the words I have so diligently typed out over the past 2.5 years may just be of comfort to someone new. Funny how 10 years ago, I would have DREADED typing anything out that didn't consist of an AIM instant message.

Blogging is my therapy. Blogging has become a hobby, a meeting place and most of all a community that has brought all walks of life together. In the past week i have found myself stumbling upon some new blogs that have caught my interest in one way or another. Each on has emotion and a powerful story to tell. I am curious, what is your favorite blog to read that tells a story? The one that you look forward to every new post?


Maribeth said...

I also wondered how on earth did I become a long term blogger? I did not excel at writing in school, and I'm actually rather shy in person.
But suddenly, I was writing, sharing weird and funny and sad stories about my life. I had three readers in the beginning, and now I have probably close to 50.
But I do not write for them, (well I do somewhat) but I write because, for me this is a form of therapy.
I have not lost a baby, but I did lose my six year old daughter to a drunk driver.
I'm so happy to have found your blog. I enjoy reading about your family and we both have Princess Cruises in common! ;o)

Jill said...

So beautifully written Ashley! As I finished your blog entry tears just strolled down my face. Today marks, how many months and that Naomi has been gone. And lately? I have been missing her a TON! I have been very emotional and I jsut cant pick up why or where its coming from.

I HATE the fact I am in this group, yet I am so thankful to have met so many wonderful woman and families through it all and I am so glad to have met YOU! :)

I also think blogging in a therapy for me as well and has helped alot since the passing of Naomi. I remember googling after I lost her and the first site I came acorss was That was where everything started for me. And then and then blog land. Which I love because I too am sucked into it all! Its like my daily newspaper too, just as facebook is.

Love you Ash! I always always look forward to reading your blog entries. You are such an AWESOME writer!! I think you could SO write a book! :)

PS. Have you ever checked out A Momma's Desires and Pacifiers blog!? SHE IS HILARIOUS!!! AND so real tells it like it is. I definitely think you should be a follower of hers! Let me know what you think! Her and her whole family is just adorable! Shes full of laughter, snakes and all kinds of stories! :)

Brie said...

I have been reading the words you write since June of 2009, just after losing my little you, I found myself scouring the Internet/blog land in hopes of finding someone's story who made it through their grief in one piece. I needed hope...but instead, I found support. Imfound others like us, who knew the deep pain of loss and more importantly, the social dance we were facednwith upon getting back into "life". Your blog has been one of my faces, because of your candid honesty...and now it has provided me with hope as well...reading of your adventures in mothering CC. So thank you for continuing to write!

Lisette said...

It is crazy to be sucked into this blogging thing but without it I think I would be lost. I have also met so many wonderful mom's out there who I can really relate to including you!
I follow way to many but kind of fallen behind a bit since Emma was born but not a day goes by that I don't think of all the BLM's.

Kourtney said...

I check yours and Heir to Blair every day. I have been reading both of yours for over 2 years. I never imagined myself reading a blog either and I don't have much in common with either of you other than the fact that we are moms of boys, but I love to read both of them :) Thanks for pouring out your feelings and sharing them with the world - I enjoy reading your words! :)

johannanurse said...

you are my one and only! I love your blog and tell all fellow BLMs about it. God has given you a gift, Ash. You are making Him proud. Love you! Johanna

Kimberly&Jason said...

I can only thank you for sharing your pain, sorrow, love, joy, and reality of being a BLM. When we received the diagnosis at 19 weeks for our daughter that she would not live outside the womb - my experience mirrors yours. My husband and I scoured the Internet for hours on end trying to find SOMEthing to tell us that everything was going to be okay. What I did find helpful was reading others experiences (including yours) who had lost babies to help us decide how to proceed. Finding out what other families did that we thought could help us and what they did that we just couldn't bring ourselves to do. I found that besides having a place to keep family informed, we wanted a place to have our experience out there too - so to maybe help someone else make tough decisions. I hate the fact that I've made new friends through losing our babies, but I am deeply grateful that so many are willing to share their grief - I don't feel so alone! Your Blog is wonderful - keep writing!!

Holly said...

I grateful the community exists. It's been so helpful and I'm so glad to have found women who understand and that I can call my friends.