Blog Parade

1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?

This is a hard question considering I live the night shift life. Luckily so does Chris so our schedules are similar. Waking up is hard because I have to remember the reality of what our new life is. So I will have to go with my favorite part is ANY part that I am smiling. If I am smiling, laughing or having a good time I have to consider it golden. Those feelings don't come as easily as they used to. Sometimes that time of the day is 2am during our lunch at work and laughing with co-workers, sometimes it's anytime during prime time when Chris and I are hanging out, or in the afternoon when I get to spend time with my best friend. Any time of the day I am smiling, is my favorite time of the day.

2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?

Funfetti cupcakes. I LOVE these! I would have had them for my wedding cake if Chris would have let me! No joke!

3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?

I would wish to have Nolan. Call me selfish but I wanted to enjoy Nolan for a lifetime. I wanted to learn his likes and dislikes. I looked forward to learning how I was as a Mom. I was excited to have a family. All I would wish is to have Nolan here in our arms.

I miss him in every way. I wish I didn't have to visit a memorial to visit him. I wish I could just walk in his room, his nautical nursery and pick him up out of his crib and sooth him. I wish i was writing a blog just to share our family and friends and we grew. I wish things weren't they 
way they are. I wish I never felt this pain of losing a child.


Actually I wish NO ONE ever had to feel this pain.

 4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?

The fact that my cameras and cell phones commit suicide because I use them too much. I have gone through at least 5-6 cameras in the past 2 years. Oh and don't even get me started on my iphone. I am on the 3rd iphone in 9 months. It gets expensive replacing those suckers. The last one died to wine death. It was in my back pocket and my wine glass spilled into my lap and killed my poor phone. 

5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?

Hands down, Wizard of Oz. Gimme those Ruby Slippers, gingham blue dress and yellow brick road and day!


I even HAVE ruby slippers. Chris got them for me as a wedding gift and I wore them under my dress. Along with my Wizard of Oz garter. Make fun of me, I don't care but my bridesmaids even walked down the aisle to the piano version of somewhere over the rainbow.

I just always felt like Wizard of Oz was always a small part of me. I remember watching it over and over again when I was a little girl and I would pretend I was Dorthy. I just LOVE that movie!

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?

Photography. Some people may say I have this talent. But I KNOW its a HUGE work in progress. The editing alone is a talent and one I have been working hard to learn and master on my own. One day I hope I can have a small business capturing moments for others. Actually it's a dream of mine.

7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?

World Cruise. I have always said the reason I love cruising is because you get to see so many places and experience so many cultures in one trip but sleep in the same bed every night. So my dream would to travel the world in that fashion. I would have to go on the 100 day World Cruise, it's pretty pricey but when I win the lotto, I AM going.

8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?

Pop or maybe even some angry chick music.

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?

IKEA!

10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?

June 8th-June 11th 2009
I want to go back and live those days that Nolan was alive. A lot of the memories are blurred due to the fact that I was on many pain meds. I want to go back and spend every waking moment in the NICU and never leave his side.

11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?

Red

12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Dopey.
As mentioned before, I AM a space cadet.  I am known A LOT for my randomness, mostly due in fact because of my ADHD. My friends call me a space cadet , it's something I tend to embrace and take pride in. At least I can make people laugh at my stupidness.

 

13. What's the last album you listened to?

 Micheal Buble

14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?

I am terrified of all those Alien shows. I am convinced those UFO's are real and they are coming to get us one day! LOL! No seriously, I HATE anything to do with Aliens.
 

Blog Parade

stay tuned... formatting is messed up.

March of Dimes Giveaway

A little birdie told me we are going to have a real fun giveaway on this blog coming shortly. I am pretty excited about it and all of it is for the March of Dimes. So grab your penny banks, clean out the change in your car and wait for the giveaway post. I think ya'll will love this!

Ok, I just HAD to get that out! I should be posting the actual giveaway & details with in the next few days!!

About Me: Part 1

I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting all the questions, so keep them coming. I have gotten a lot so I wanted to start posting tonight. Plus it cures a little bit of writers block that I am going through.

1. How'd you and Chris meet? We know all about the proposal and wedding..but where/how'd you meet?

Ready for this? Best Buy. It was one of my many part time jobs and on my first day, I walked in and he was the first person I saw in a Best Buy shirt and asked him where I was suppose to go since it was my first day. HE claims he thought I was pretty darn cute while I was walking up to the store (I think he's all talk) Anyways, a few weeks later another co-worker mentioned Chris 'liked' me, so I took it to my advantage and I asked him to a Halloween party that a co-worker was throwing. I dressed up as a devil and he was a firefighter and we hit it off right away. OH, and get this... guess where we had our first dinner?... McDonalds! I was new to the area so it was an easy meeting place, and while we were there we decided on grabbing a bite to eat. Nice huh?

2. I was wondering who is that adorable boy in the picture with you and the anchors?

Meet Cyrus. He is my best friend, Vals son. He is one miracle boy himself. He is a 8 year old, full of energy, loves to be center of attention, loving little boy. He is just 5 months post op from his open heart surgery and if you met him, I promise you he would show you his scar and tell you all about it. He is pretty awesome.

3. Say you had a high profile public career (example - famous pr rep, musician, artist or even spoiled party crazy heiress) what would it be?

I would want to be a musician. Not only do I love to be center of attention (most the time) and think it would be awesome to have concerts and be on stage, but to be able to give the gift of music and write music that has so much meaning would be my dream. The paycheck would also be REAL nice, but I am sure the more on your paycheck...the more I would spend. Isn't that how it always works?

4. How did you decide on the name Nolan?

To make a real long story short. We fought over boy names like CRAZY (like here). We just couldn't agree. I came across the name Nolan before we knew he was sick and I just LOVED the name. Chris on the other hand was dead set on having a Jr.

So when we found out Nolan was 'sick' and measuring real small someone (my Mom I think) informed me that the name Nolan meant little fighter. So NOW we had to use that name, but Chris still was not budging.

Then it was in the crazy few minutes while I was being rushed through the hallways for my c-section I was crying and saying "We don't even have a name yet" and Chris responded..." Do you want to name him Nolan?"

HECK YES! I wasn't turning this opportunity down! So while in pre-op he picked the middle name of Michael. Michel is the arch angel of public services and my Uncles name so it just fit.

Nolan Michael Dowaliby

4. Thinking ahead...any future baby names? Will you use Nolan in any part of your next child's name?

If we are ever blessed with a baby girl, her name will be Linley Katherine. It's my sister's middle names. (Margaret Linley & Molly Katherine).

Boy name is a whole other ball game. We honestly haven't even thought about it. I'm sure it will be another battle if we have another boy, but unsure how I would feel about using Nolan's name. Just a personal choice.

5. Do you have an idea of how things will be different if you decide to get pregnant again?

Since I will be considered a high risk pregnancy form the start, I will have my normal OB (who I love) and an MFM. I have seen a few MFM since Nolan and they both had different opinions. But from the sounds of it, I will be monitored very closely, will be on a prophylactic dose of Lovenox (a injection blood thinner used to thin blood to prevent clots to the placenta). Since they never found a true answer on why this all happened, the most they can do is monitor closely and try the Lovenox.

There is no telling if I will get Pre-e again or not. I am at a huge risk for it, but it's really a game of the unknown.

6. What's the best thing anyone has said to you since losing Nolan...something that just comforted you and made you know that they really do care and understand how heartbreaking your loss has been?

I love this question and have been thinking about it quite a bit. so much things. There have been so many things that have been said, some even form complete strangers. There was one thing that stuck out in my mind and I want to share it.

This is part of an email that I often go back to when I am having a hard day, because it reminds me that everything I am going thorugh is NORMAL. This email came from a friend that was just an acquaintance but June 8, 2009.. we became sisters of a kind. She was the FIRST person that I could honestly relate my feelings to.

Dear Ashley,

First of all, I am so sorry. There are so many things I want to say to you and don't know where to begin. I will start and say this, "I know." I know how it hurts and I know your pain. I don't know what you're going through exactly at this moment, but I know it is a roller coaster of emotion. Some moments you sob, some moments you scream, some moments you just sit and stare. You do what ever it takes to get you through to the next minute, the next hour, the next day.

I really thought that I would sit and write you a big long email, but I really think I would rather talk to you. Whenever you want, you call me. There are some things I'd like to share with you. And, I will be here to listen to whatever you want to tell me. I know that we didn't know each other very well, but, now we have a bond. We will always have this common denominator. And, our situations are similar.

Ashley, grief is so hard. And, I will say this because I don't want it to wait until you call me, you grieve how you want to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. As long as you're not hurting yourself physically, you grieve the way you want to, the way you HAVE to. My heart just goes out to you and your husband and your parents. It's tough on the parents, especially your mom. She's grieving for the grandchild she lost and she's grieving for her baby, YOU. Please call me. And if you want to get together we can do that. I'll come over or whatever you need me to do. Or we can just talk a bit on the phone. Trust me, I know. Everyone's grief is different and I can share with you my thoughts and feelings and things I did to get me through to the next hour or day. My husband and I are off tomorrow and will be home so give me a call. I'm praying for you tonight.
Love,

a sister

(name left out for privacy)

Ask Ashley

How I have changed in the past few months.

* My favorite color went from pink to Red & Navy Blue
* I used to write my new last name while scribbling, but now I scribble Nolan
* My addiction to nursery planning and outfit shopping, I shop for anchors
* My blog roll used to be expecting mothers, now it's babyless mothers
* Used to listen to random music, now I search for music with meaning close to my heart
* I used to google my name to see what pops up, now I google Nolan to see what treasures I can find with his name.


I think I could go on and on. This just sparked my interest when I was shopping the other day and noticed I am drawn to anything red or blue and it used to be pink. So I started making a mental list of things that have changed and this is what I came up with.

So I have an idea. I want to do another "Get to know Ashley" post. These posts are always my favorites on other blogs. Feel free to email me or leave a comment asking any question and over the weekend I will make a post answering them all. It can be a question about Nolan, my life, my likes/dislikes... I don't care. I want to have fun with this, plus I have many new readers since being featured on Lynette's blog and would like to give them a chance to ask any questions.

You can email me at nolesgirl724@yahoo.com

Have fun with this guys!

Hoarding

Hi, my name is Ashley and I hoard anchors. My husband is convinced you will find me on the show Hoarders in 20 years buried in a pile of anchors. Well at least they will be able to figure out the root cause.

I just can't help myself. 

Today, I found these flip flops and if the price wasn't so high I would be sporting them as I type this. Looks like I will be on a sale watch. Yes, I had to make a statement and get my pedi with anchors today. Hey, Val encouraged it too!! Gosh I am lame, I know.

 

Disney wonders

I miss my baby. Plain and simple.

We went to Orlando this weekend to visit with a grade school/high school best friend and her husband and Mom and the whole time we were there, I couldn't help but think about what's missing. We should have had a stroller with us and we should have been passing the little guy around at lunch. I should have been able to buy him Mickey ears with the elastic neck thing to keep it on and his name written in cursive on the front.

Nolan

I'm sure it didn't help that we were at Disney where like 1 million strollers are around and little 2 year olds running around. Happy families were EVERYWHERE! It made me miss Nolan so much. I kept wondering if Chris and I will ever be able to bring a child to Disney. I mean, it's a valid thought and one that makes me sad because I am actually worrying about this.

I even turned to Chris at one point when a toddler boy was in front of us and said... "Do you think we will ever get to be those parents?"

I think what it comes down to is, I am just plain FRUSTRATED. I am frustrated with the 'what ifs', 'should have beens', 'would have beens' and ect ect. I just want my Nolan back, I just want him here and want to be living the naive life of a family of 3.

Will we ever be there? A family of 4? Only time, patience and praying will tell.

On another note, please keep Lauren my close blog friend in your prayers and thoughts today.

Monday Monday

I DO have a best friend, well I have many. I have one in Arizona, one in Kansas, 2 in Ohio and a lot in Florida. But I have one very special best friend, Valorie. I am so thankful that Valorie has been placed in my life. I know I have written about her before...

I remember when I first met her at work, I was a student and she took me to the ER for a trauma. I remember being so impressed with how well she handled herself, how quick she was on her feet and what a great teacher she was. I hoped that one day I could be as good as she is. A few months later I was hired and placed on night shift with her and it was the best thing that ever happened, I have learned SO much from her! Over the past 4 years of our friendship, we have grown so much. We both have gone through quite a bit in our lives recently. But we were there for each other through it all. I couldn't have picked a better shoulder to cry on and a better person to pick up on her bad days. Thank you Valorie. Thank you Valorie for planning the BEST bachelorette party in history! Thank You Valorie for taking all your extra time making my wedding extra special one detail at a time, oh and learning to lace up that beast of a dress!
Thank you Valorie for helping take care of me when I was sick.
Thank you Val for rushing to be at my side the morning Nolan was born.
Thank you Val for taking care of all my work things while I was gone.
I am so so so so happy that you were able to meet Nolan, funny thing is you were the last to meet him on the last night he was alive. How was that?
Thank you for being there in the NICU after driving 1000mph to be there the very second Nolan left us to intercept us with open arms.
Thank you for making Nolan's video for his service, it's the best memory I could have. Thank you for sitting with me hours on end while Chris was back at work and I was too scared to be alone.

Thank you for making me laugh, smile and enjoy life a little more when I hang out with you. I'm a lucky girl to have such a best friend.

I have some really awesome friends and would love to make a post about every single one of them because they are all THE BEST!

Sloppy Joes

I am not a cook nor do I try to say I can cook. I have written about this before and said i was going to make an effort this year to try harder to learn new dishes and get better at hanging out in the kitchen.

But, there is one thing I CAN make really really good..... Sloppy Joes! I just started following this simple recipe and I literally have family begging me to make it all the time. So last night, all our friends had off work so we had our first ever Sloppy Joe night!! We usually do rib night over at Val's but we decided to change it up and do my sloppy joes.

So here is what 10 lbs of Sloppy Joe and Wine Wednesday looks like.While the girls cooked, the boys play Wii. At least it keeps them out of the kitchen. It was nice to all be able to get together again with our busy schedules. It's rare that we get to do this. We ended up ending then night by the camp fire outside and it was the perfect night for a fire, it's been SO cold in Florida this week.
So now your wondering what this glorious recipe is huh? I mentioned last night that I might post it on the blog and they all cut me off saying "Noooooo! It's your recipe!!"

BUT, why not share a good thing?! So here ya go!!!

Ashley's Awesome Sloppy Joes!
1lb of ground beef
1 cup Ketchup
1/4 cup Water
2 TBS Brown Sugar
2 TSP Worcestershire Sauce
2 TSP prepared mustard
1/2 TSP of Garlic Powder
1/2 TSP of Onion Powder
1/2 TSP Salt

Brown the meat, drain, add all the ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 30-40 minutes.

I promise these are the yummiest Sloppy Joes EVER!

Marvolous Mondays

Such a great idea, taking a moment to really look on the positive of things and reflect on some good that is in our life. Lately, a lot of grief and anger has been lurking around me and sometimes it's easy to lose sight in some of the positive. Honestly, I have a LOT of positive things in my life that I am thankful for.

So to focus on some of the things I do have.

I have an awesome husband who embraces me and my many imperfections and high energy. We are the true definition of compete opposites but I wouldn't have it any other way.
We have a house, and a house that we are not struggling to keep. We are lucky to have a roof over our head in this economy and I am thankful for that.

I DO have a career that I love. Never in a million years did I think I would become a respiratory therapist, but my job is pretty rewarding and interesting. I look forward to moving to the NICU in the next few years and then I will love my job even more 10 fold.
Perfect husband, a roof over our heads, job security & fun career...what more can a girl ask for? We all know that answer but I have to remind myself that I do have these things and a special angel looking over us.

Piper's 5k! Success!

WE DID IT! We really ran a 5K!
(Well run...walk...run...walk...RUN)

I can't even begin to tell you how proud we are of each other. We crossed the finish line holding hands and a few tears were shed. So many people came out to support little Piper and so much money was raised for our NICU. I can't be any happier to be part of something that means so much to us. Enough money was raised to get the NICU the same incubator Nolan was in. I am so excited about this!(After a prayer and a few words from Piper's Mom, we we're off!!)

One of the best parts of the of the day was meeting Nolan's admitting nurse and seeing Nolan's social worker, Heather. It was just nice to see someone that knew how much of a miracle our Nolan was.

I also meant to tell you all, when Chris and I went to turn in our registration earlier this week we were lucky to meet Heather, Piper's Mom. She noticed my tattoo and asked if it was an anchor because ironically enough, she had JUST got her anchor tattoo on her wrist earlier that day for Piper. So 2 moms, both eternally grateful for the 3 days and 3 years we got to spend with our babies and we both have the SAME tattoo in the SAME spot for the SAME reason. Bizarre. Thank you NICU for making those 3 days & 3years possible for us.

Dear Nolan,

Your Dad text me tonight while he was at work and said

"It will be 30 years from now and it will still feel like yesterday, one of those things you will always remember"

It's been 8 months since we had to say good bye to you. Tonight, it's been 8 months since we watched you slip from our arms while the NICU worked so hard to keep you. You were tired Nolan, I understand that fight was so hard and you had so many odds against you.

But we got 3 days with you Nolan. I would take those 3 days over having 'no days' any day. We got to meet you, we got to learn your personality and we got to stare at you in amazement. You squeezed our hands and kicked like crazy when your Daddy and I talked to you. We met you and it was all possible because the NICU gave you a chance to fight your battle.

I'm running for you Nolan in a race this weekend. The race is in memory of a little girl named Piper that also fought hard in the NICU. Her Mommy and Daddy are raising money for the same NICU you were taken care of in. So cheer me on baby, I'll need it. I sure wasn't planning on signing up for a 5k for another 7 weeks and an emotional one at that. So because you fought so hard, I am going to do the same to give some other babies in that NICU more of a fighting chance.

I love you Nolan and I am THANKFUL for those 3 days we had you with us.
3 days, 3 years... they are both just too short, way too short. But I know either 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 years or 33 years. I am thankful I got to know you.

I love you little guy and I need to you to nudge me past that finish line on Saturday morning. We will probably come in last, but as long as we make it, I don't care.

Love,
Your Mommy

Piper's 5K! Count us in!

So remember here, just a few days ago when I posted this?

Ok well fast forward to today. I was on my way home from work when I heard on the radio that there was going to be a 5K held in memory of a special little girl named Piper and all proceeds will go to the Healthpark NICU. This is the NICU where Nolan was born and lived for 3 days. Just reading her story this morning put me in tears. I can not even imagine making it through the NICU roller coaster and then have this happen. I am deeply saddened for Piper's parents and family and want to be part of this run.


Piper was a beautiful little girl who was born 2 months early and was in the NICU. On December 25, 2009 at the age of 3 years old, Piper passed away unexpectedly. Her parents have set this 5K up in her memory and to raise money for her foundation at the NICU.

How can I turn this run down? Are Chris and I ready for a 5K? Heck no? We started training 3 weeks ago. BUT, I have to be at this run. I have to support another NICU baby. So what... we scheduled our 1st 5K 8 weeks too early, but I can't pass this up.


Granted we may run, walk, run, walk.. I know Nolan will be looking down on us and cheering us on. And I swear the second I get passed that finish line, I predict to be pretty emotional.

So encourage me guys.... We can do this! It's going to take a lot of emotional strength, but I think I have been through worse in the past 8 months, right?

To read about Piper, visit her 5K page here.

Grab some tissue's, your going to need them. They are raising money to buy one of the same incubators that Nolan was in, The Giraffe. They have already raised enough money for one, but let's get another. To donate visit Piper's 5K page to find out how. Or click here.

A gift

Amy (Kalli's Mom) is one of my bestest friends. She is the one who I have walked this journey with the closest besides Chris. We have spent countless nights talking, sharing feelings, anger, hopes, stories....everything under the sun.

So back in November when she asked if I had any special outfits I had for Nolan, I wasn't surprised at all. You have no idea how many outfits we had already bought for him. She asked me to send her my favorite outfit because she had something special in mind. But, I didn't have the heart or strength to pull out Nolan's tote and go through his outfits, I knew it would put me in a dark place.

While we were on the cruise, my best friend Valorie came over and went through his outfits. I told her to pick any of the anchor onsies or outfits because those were ALL my favorites. So she did just that and sent it to Amy.

Look what came in the mail this week....Ironically enough, the outfit she used to make this bear is the very first outfit we bought for Nolan. We got it from Babies R Us just a few hours after we found out he was a boy. Perfect outfit, perfect baby, perfect friend in this journey with me that knows exactly what touches a mommy's heart that lost their baby. Thank you Amy.

8 months

2/3 of a year since our Nolan was born. I love celebrating his month birthdays, it's a part of the healing I guess. Since I am working tonight, we didn't do anything special but I have been thinking of him non stop. I am thankful for everyone that remembers with us, it helps remind me that people are too thinking about him all the time which in turn reminds me that I am a Mom & that others recognize that.
Do you want to know what made me SO happy the other night? I was really bummed out because I had to get a new iphone and I lost all my pictures, contacts, notes, dates ect. I normally have it backed up but since restoring my computer this week I hadn't done that yet. There were 3 pictures that I have had saved on my phone that I took with my phone when Nolan was in the NICU and I LOST those. Actually the one in my blog header is one of them. So I was bumming and Chris said I'll send you what I have. He had one of three and then..... he had 2 I have never seen before. I think he took them the day he was born while I was in recovery or something. He didn't even have his goggles on yet. I can't even tell you how exciting it was to see a picture that I had not seen, I thought I have seen them all. It was just a little piece of Nolan that felt 'new'.

So 8 months ago, we became parents. 8 months ago was the happiest day of our life but the most scary at the same time. 8 months ago we met the most perfect 13 ounce miracle. So if you haven't yet, please consider donating to Nolan's March of Dimes walk. We were able to meet him 8 months ago because of the NICU and I want to give back. Every $1 counts. Thank you everyone for supporting Nolan and his walk!!
(Click on the March of Dimes box to the right to donate--------------->)

Mistake

Boy did I make a mistake.
Sitting home alone while Chris is at work and since nothing was on TV I ordered what I 'thought' was a romantic comedy off the OnDemand starring Jenifer Aniston. I mean, what movie is bad with her in it?!

Little did I know, the movie stars a character who helps grieving people that are grieving over a close loved one because he is also coping with the death of his wife. In one part of the movie, he struggles to help this one character who lost his son and when he was being challenged he stated..
"I'm not ready, he should be playing baseball with me not in a box in the ground"

Yup. I paid to watch a movie about the last thing I want to think about. Go me.

Couch 2 5K

I hate running! I think I would rather have dental work done.
I made a choice that I want to be as healthy as I can be for another pregnancy. So Chris and I both have been eating healthy, counting calories and RUNNING. A close friend suggested joining her in doing the Couch 2 5K program. They even have a nifty iphone app, and if you know me, I am a sucker for any app so I downloaded it right away.

This program claims that you will be able to run a 5K in 9 weeks comfortably. I have had 2 friends tell me they LOVE this program and it made them fall in love with running. I HIGHLY doubt this program will make me even remotely like running, so I am out to prove them wrong.

Chris is doing the program with me and so far we are week 2, day 2. It's not bad and every day it gets easier. I do feel better after wards and like I accomplished something good, but I still hate the act of running. So what makes it better?!... MUSIC.

You are talking to the girl that can do the Cha Cha Slide & Cupid Shuffle while running. Chris can tell when one of my favorites come on because he said I run differently and I do arm movements and everything. I think you would wonder whats wrong with me if you drove past me, seriously.

So I'll let you know in 8 weeks how this program did. IF we make it there, and we *like* running, I think we will book a 5K for real. How cool would that be?I had some more pictures, but my poor iphone has suffered wine death, so it's in a rice bath and I am hoping it gets better. If not, I will be spending a million dollars on a new one this weekend. But all my fun pictures of our morning workout where on my phone. This one is the only one from Chris' phone. Enjoy.

Meet You At The Sunset: Jan. Meeting

For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your child's memory?

Honestly, being that it was our first Christmas that Nolan should have been here, I pretty much ignored the holiday. I ignored all the hype, skipped the tree, ignored the Christmas music and worked both Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

My biggest thing that I was concerned with was finding the 'Perfect Ornament' for Nolan for 2009. I just kept getting frustrated trying to find the one that says "baby in heaven 2009" vs all the stroller and baby rattle ones. Luckily I had many friends help out and they gave Nolan some real sweet ones that defined our year. Some were personalized, some about angels and one with Nolan's picture on it.

I still went to church on Christmas morning with a co-worker that joined me, she visited Nolan with me since Chris was working day shift and couldn't come. It was the most lonely, quiet and heartbreaking Christmas I have ever felt. Since I chose to work both Eve & Day and Chris was on day shift, I didn't even see him for over 48 hours. I woke up to an empty house and went strait to work. Thankfully Chris and Aunt Mary came up to the hospital together to have a Christmas dinner in our break room with me.

Sometimes I think the anticipation was worse than the actual holiday, but maybe that's because I kept myself distracted at work. I just hope that this years Christmas is a bit less empty and a few more joyful things to celebrate.

Random Thoughts

• Real heart broken over a phone call I just received and not sure how I feel about it. Not sure what to think or how to react but hope that God gives me strength to see through it. Just feels like my grief started over again but in a different way.

• Surprised I finished Week #1 of Couch25K and started week #2 today
• Can't believe that The Bachelor gave Vienna a rose last night. Is he really that blind or is it a ploy to keep us all watching? Makes you wonder.
• Work has been emotionally exhausting the past 2 nights, glad I have the next few nights off and so does Chris.
  
• Wonder what Nolan is doing right now, is he still the same size in Heaven or is he growing?
• Am I out of tears yet? Gosh I feel so 'emo' the past 48 hours.
• Had a great time with Mom this weekend and glad they will be moving down next month. I miss them.
  
• Guess I'll go work on the blog I was originally working on this morning, it's a little happier that the last and maybe it will distract me from my current thoughts.
• Who's the guest judge on Idol tonight? Can't wait.
• I miss my best friend, I really do
• Still haven't watched The Duggars special, bad week to do so. Maybe I will just erase the darn thing for my mental sanity.
• Good things are in the future, a fun weekend ahead, getting all the bad out at the beginning of the week is this weeks plan I think