Sunday, August 16, 2009

This week

I am back at work tonight for the first time. They gave me an easy assignment so it's not too bad. But I feel like a zombie walking through the halls. A few people have asked how I am doing and that's sweet of them to ask. It means a lot. I just feel out of place. I feel like I should still be walking the hallways pregnant. I shouldn't be coming back from maternity leave babyless. My baby is in heaven and not in his crib where he should be.

This week is a hard week, it's probably going to be the happiest week in some of my friends lives, but I am finding my heart ache so much with this week approaching. This isn't their fault at all and I hope they can fully understand, but I hate feeling this way. I just can't help it. BUT, I do know that I am not alone in this feelings and after talking to other mamas in my same position, they have all felt the same too. So I know it's a totally normal feeling and part of grieving a loss of a baby so early in pregnancy. I just want my Nolan.

Dear Nolan,
Ahhhh where do I start? I hope you are enjoying yourself up there in heaven. I am sure Grandma is rocking you to sleep every night. I hope you have met up with Kalli, Eli & Myles and I know you babies are all looking down on your grieving parents. But I just wish more than anything is you could be here with us. I wasn't ready for you to go.

I went back to work tonight baby, it's the first time back since being on bedrest a few weeks before you were born. I fought so hard to keep you growing. I wish I would have taken it easy more and maybe that would have helped. There are so many things I wish I could do differently.

Your room is almost finished, we just have to go pick up your nautical chart and find a chair to put in the room. But none of this could be done until Mommy had a paycheck again. Sometimes I pretend like you are still here and I open the door as if you were crying for me, but then when I open it, I am quickly reminded that you are not there. There isn't even a crib, I just daydream.

I was looking at your pictures today while I was picking out to bring some to work. I want to hang you on my locker and I am so amazed every time I look at your picture. You are SO perfect looking and so beautiful. I wish I could figure out why you couldn't;t stay here with us. I still go in and out of shock that the past 2.5 months have happened. I see your perfect face and wish I could go back to those 3 days you were here and spend more time with you. I am so afraid of loosing the few memories I have.

I miss you so much baby. All the little signs you send me are perfect. I am convinced the yellow butterfly is you visiting. I just wish you weren't a butterfly and you were in my arms. I could then show you all the butterflies of the world. I love you so much and no pregnant mom will EVER understand the love for a child they will have until they have that baby in their arms. I mean I loved you so much, but that first time I met you I fell in love with you 100 fold. That's why it makes this so much harder. I met you, you squeezed my finger, you calmed down when I talked to you, you kicked your feet against my hands. I just wish I could have that back.

I need you to give me a bunch of strength this week. It's a hard week for Mommy because all your friends are being born. One was going to be your future girlfriend and the other was going to be your play mate. I will always look at them and think of you and how big you would be, or what milestones you would be doing. I can't help it.

You keep searching for your perfect little brother or sister up there in heaven. But don't send them before the Dr will allow. We know he/she will be so perfectly hand picked just by you.

I love you baby and I wish more than ANYTHING right now that you could be in my arms and I could kiss your cheeks.

Your Mommy


Morgan said...

I hope your first night back goes well!!

Kimberly said...

Ashley I hope work is going well for you. Such a beautiful letter to Nolan. (((hugs)))

Nicole said...

Ashley, {{{Big Hugs}}}

I hope work is going well. I agree with Kim, that letter is beautiful and touching.

jamie said...

I hope work is being tolerable for you right now. Returning to work in a hospital was especially tough for me.